Gospel Shepherds

But anyway, we want to talk about shepherding our children this afternoon. So before we begin, let's just take a moment and bow for a word of prayer. God, we thank you that we can gather together freely. We thank you that we belong to you and that you are a God. And Father, that covenant reaches even to how we raise our children. And so we pray now that you would help us to have that kind of a gospel focus that would understand how to shepherd our children in the way of Christ.

Give us insight, we pray. Help us. And we'll thank you in Jesus' name. Amen. All right. Now, if you've got notes, make sure you keep them because I'm having doubts as to whether we're going to get through all this material today.

So make sure you keep your notes. All right. So let's talk about gospel shepherds. you find your two boys pounding each other in the yard after you pulled them and after you've pulled them apart you find out they were fighting over who's the first to get to ride the brand new bike and your response is you know it's wrong to fight like this so in order to teach you a lesson no one can ride the bike for a week all right now what's exactly what's really the issue here is it the bike or is it the fighting or is it something else your teenage daughter started starting to dress in ways that are verging on the immodest and so you challenge her on that and you say you know that you shouldn't be dressing that way we've raised you to know better than that and she replies but mom if I dress the way that you want me to, my friends will think I'm a geek.

I'm geeky enough to them already. Well, that's too bad, young lady. You march upstairs this instant and put on something that's decent. Now, what's really the issue here? Is it modesty? Is it popularity Is it rebellion Well this afternoon we want to talk about shepherding our children hearts Parenting in terms of shepherding Now we live in a day that promotes shortcuts and ten simple steps here and all that sort of thing and that's infected us as Christians.

And what we want is a formula for problem-free children, a formula that we can just plug in to help us deal with children so we can get on with our lives. But the Bible doesn't lead us to believe that. The Bible doesn't lead us to believe that raising our children for God is a matter of 10 steps to godliness. Parenting is more than spanking and teaching a few lessons in order to produce a certain kind of child.

Parenting is not a formulaic task like computer programming. It's more like the task of shepherding. All right. That's what we have to get into our minds. The whole concept of shepherding. OK.

Again, we live in a culture that just has 10 steps to this, get you there and so forth, where the Bible just doesn't do that. Because, you know, it's interesting. The Bible recognizes people as complex human beings. You know, what makes me really irritated is as someone who believes the Bible has answers for everything and that you counsel with the word of God, I get really tired of the world who looks at us and says, well, you're simplistic.

And I want to say every time, wait a minute, now, who's simplistic here? Someone comes in and says they're struggling with depression. I sit down and ask questions like, when does it start? Who? What triggers it? What's going on?

You need to tell me what you're thinking. And I listened to a long story. Whereas you give them a pill. You tell me who's being simplistic here. See, that's the way it is with our children, too. We live in a culture that says, oh, if kids doing this promise, this is it's all reduction of self-esteem or, oh, this or that.

And the Bible doesn't recognize that. The Bible says people are complex beings. And it takes more than that. And for our children it requires shepherding. Shepherding. So we have to get that in our minds.

So let's talk about shepherding this afternoon. You a shepherd because you our guide to your child life Let look at Proverbs chapter 1 Proverbs chapter 1. Verses 1 through 7. The Proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel. to know wisdom and instruction, to understand words of insight, to receive instruction in wise dealing, in righteousness, justice, and equity, to give prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the youth, let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance, to understand a proverb and a saying, the words of the wise and their riddles.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. Fools despise wisdom and instruction. When we look at the book of Proverbs, we see a book written specifically for preparing children for life. And notice in these verses and as well throughout the rest of the book that it's a guide to life and how to live in the fear of God. It's a guide. It's talking about things like wisdom, instruction, so that you know righteousness, justice and equity.

Those aren't things that can be reduced to formulas. This is a guide. It teaches us what to avoid and what to embrace. It carries a great number of promises and warnings. So you don't just spank for unacceptable behavior and teach a few lessons. It's not just spanking and teaching, getting a few lessons in, correcting some behavior, and they're ready to live life.

You act as a guide to all that your children will encounter in life. okay you're acting as a guide to all that your children will encounter in life so get in our minds this idea of a guide not boom boom boom but okay this is what you're facing what does the bible say how does what's wisdom from the bible in terms of that and that's shepherding that's shepherding you're a shepherd because you're helping your child understand himself and the world in which he lives Okay The problem with the formulaic approach is it talking about what you can do to your kids so life easy for you All right As opposed to I want my child to understand himself and to understand the world he lives in It a process in which he gains the correct assessment of himself and the world in which he lives You're helping him gain an assessment of who he is, gaining an assessment of the world in which he lives. My little shorthand way of saying it is, I want my children to understand who they are, who God is, and what the world is. Those three things themselves, God and the world.

They need to understand those things and you need to help him to understand himself as a creature made by God and for God. You see, can you see, this is going to change the way we parent. We're not just, I want you to behave, or not even I want you to be equipped, but I want you to understand how you fit and what the world's like and what God's like.

And what does God say about that? How should you respond? You've been made by God and for God. You want to help them understand the curse of sin in the world and its effects. Why does one kid pick on another? You know, we're not too often on the Internet.

Kid picks on my kid. The only thing I'm interested in at the moment is, OK, what am I supposed to do? But you know what it means also? It means going deeper and saying, why does that kid pick on you? okay why do some why do boys exclude this one or girls exclude this girl and why do they do things like kind of bring a girl in to make her feel part of the group and then do something nasty and make her feel terrible and then play that little game with her right why do they do things like that those are the sorts of questions you need to be asking and answering so that they understand why is there racial prejudice right do you have biblical answers for that you see you want them to understand things like the curse of sin so you you help him to understand that this is a god-created world and he can only understand it by using biblical categories again no formula there it's wow what kind of biblical categories come into play here what does the bible say that would help him understand what's going on in his life and what he needs to do in light of those those things so you're a shepherd because you're helping your child understand himself and the world in which he lives okay You're a shepherd because you help your child understand not only the what's of his behavior, but the why's as well.

In other words, you don't just want to tell him what's right. You want to find out why is he doing the things he do. Your son finds that he wants to punch the lights out of a guy who really annoys him at school. So you not only help him understand why violence is wrong. You don't just say, no, don't do that. God says it's wrong.

But you also want to help him understand why he has those feelings and why he's annoyed to begin with. You see, it's not just don't do that, that's wrong, but tell me what's going on in your head. What's so annoying about this kid? Why is that annoying to you? What do you think about that? You see, you want him to understand those things. finally you're a shepherd because there must be a richer interaction than merely telling your child what to do and what to think there's got to be something more than that there has to be open and honest communication that unfolds the meaning and the purpose of life it's not just direction it's not just telling him what to do it's not just direction but direction that leads to self-disclosure and the sharing of values.

What's important to him? Why is he feeling this way? Look at Proverbs chapter 13 for a moment. Proverbs chapter 13, verse 20. Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. as a wise parent your objective is not simply to discuss but to demonstrate the freshness and vitality of life lived in integrity before God and your family you want to be wise you want him to become wise you've got to show him what wisdom is alright alright now you've got to recognize the importance of shepherding so you a shepherd because these things are true now you need to see why it important why is it important to see those things Well first of all you have to understand the significance of the heart Let look up these passages Someone look up Proverbs chapter 4, verse 23.

Who will look that up? Seth. Mark 7, 21. Tina. Luke 6, 45. Levi.

OK, Proverbs 423, Mark 721, Luke 645. All right, let's hear these verses. Proverbs 423. All right. Above all else, guard your heart because it's the wellspring of life. OK, Mark 721.

I mean, Mark 721. I say that. Who's got Mark 721? Go ahead. Okay, so everything that happens on the outside starts on the inside, what Jesus is saying. Luke 6.45 All right.

Now these verses, and there's many, many more, the whole tenor of the Bible is that it's the heart. Now what's the heart? Let's nail that down. When the Bible speaks of the heart, it's not speaking of this organ. It's not speaking of emotions alone. It's speaking of the control center of your life.

This is the part of you, the inner man, that thinks, that values, that makes goals, that loves, that hates. Affections are in there or emotions are in there as well as all the other things It all that goes on on the inside And Jesus says that we have to understand the significance of the heart The heart determines behavior. It is the well from which everything else gushes.

What you say and what you do expresses the orientation of your heart. What your children say and do is a reflection of what is in their hearts. Okay? So, when you have your little girl, just like we saw at the beginning, Mom, if I dress like the way you want me to dress, everyone will think I'm a geek. I'm geeky enough to my friends. I don't want to be any more geeky.

All right? Now, right away we just want to say rebellion, but what's going on in the heart? Okay, what's going on there? What she wants to do or what she's doing is a reflection of what's going on on the inside. That's what you have to get to. You have to get to that.

All right? You know what? That little girl that you've just told go upstairs and get something decent on will go upstairs and put something else on. But has she changed any? She's changed her clothes. but what's driving her to want to dress that way has remained unchanged, right? What's going on in the inside is determining what's going on in the outside.

And so what they say and do is a reflection of what's in their hearts. So that brings us to the next point. And that is to say the basic issue is not behavior but what's going on in the heart. Now, we are often sidetracked by behavior since it's the behavior that alerts you to the need for correction. Behavior irritates us and calls attention to itself, and thus the goal too often in discipline is changed behavior.

And you often think you've changed your children, you've corrected your children when you've changed unacceptable behavior to the behavior that you appreciate. And it goes much deeper than that. You see Again very familiar passage James chapter 4 verses 1 through 3 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you Is it not this that your passions are at war within you You desire and do not have, so you murder.

You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly to spend it on your passions. See, James makes it clear that when the fight breaks out, something else is going on. Something inside of you wants something. That person's not giving it to you, so you're willing to fight.

So the fight is merely a manifestation of what's going on in the heart. The fight is an issue, but not the most basic issue. It is an issue, but it's not the most basic one. It's what's going on in the heart. Maybe I'll do this. Okay?

So, to really help your children, you've got to be concerned with the attitudes of the heart. the child's needs are much more profound than his aberrant behavior. Remember, what a child says and does reflects his heart. Let's turn to Matthew 15 for a moment. This is another one of those passages that deal with that, but this is important to see. Matthew 15, verse 7.

Jesus is talking to the Pharisees. I'll start out in verse 1. The Pharisees and the scribes came to Jesus from Jerusalem and said, Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders, for they do not wash their hands when they eat? He answered them, And why do you break the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For God commanded, Honor your father and your mother, and whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.

But you say, if anyone tells his father or his mother what you would have gained from me is given to God, he need not honor his father. So for the sake of your tradition, you have made void the words of God. You hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy of you when he said, this people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. in vain do they worship me teaching as doctrines the commandments of men you see what Isaiah prophesied what he said they may honor me with my lips but their hearts are far from me consider this then a changed behavior that does not from a changed heart is not commendable, but condemnable.

You can get a child that changes behavior, but if it's not stemming from a changed heart, it's condemnable, not commendable. Okay? Now, that's a hard statement to take. you can get your children to toe the line just because they don't want to get spanked but if you haven't taken the time to try to understand them and primarily to bring the gospel to bear you're not to be commended you're to be condemned for what you've done okay now you say whoa that's a lot okay well just stay with me Stay with me.

How does this affect correction and discipline? All right. How does this affect correction and discipline? Well, first of all, here's the first thing. You must require proper behavior since God's law demands it. See, I'm not saying, oh, don't correct their behavior.

Just start digging around in their heart until that changes. No, I'm not suggesting that you ignore the behavior. nor am I suggesting that you do nothing about the behavior until you understand exactly what's going on in the heart. That's not true either. What I'm trying to communicate is don't leave the matter there. Dealing with behavior is just the first step.

Okay? You do have to deal with the behavior. When one boy's slugging the other you don't want to take him aside and say well, I'm not going to tell him it's right or wrong until I can understand why they're doing it. No, you tell them to quit slugging each other and you deal with that and consequences for that behavior, but you don't stop there. You keep going.

Okay, you keep going. So you also then have to help your child to understand how his straying heart resulted in wrong behavior. alright so what you doing is not just you trying to help him understand not just you understand his heart help him to understand why he doing what he doing what going on Let me read you something. This is from Ted Tripp's Shepherding a Child's Heart.

Here's an example, okay? The children are playing and a fight breaks out over a particular toy. The classic response is, what's the classic response? Who had the toy first? That's what we do as parents. Okay, who had it first, right?

This response misses heart issues. Who had it first is an issue of justice. Justice operates in favor of the child who has the quicker draw. if we look at this situation in terms of the heart, the issue changes. See, it's not who had the toy first. And in fact, I think it's in this book where Ted talks about either one of his kids or one of Paul's kids, his brother's kids, his nephew, who walked into the toy room and went around and touched every toy.

Touched every toy. Said, I had them all first. Okay? So the whole line about who had the toy first is, what is that going to do? It's going to say, okay, if you're quicker than the other guy, then you win. Right?

And you're going to miss out now. Okay, so he goes on. He said, remember, if we look at this situation in terms of the heart, the issue changes. Now you have two offenders. Both children are displaying a hardness of heart toward the other. Both are being selfish.

Both children are saying, I don't care about your happiness. I'm only concerned about myself. I want this toy. It is the condition of my happiness. I will have it. I will have it and be happy regardless of what that means to you.

That's what both of them are thinking. You may have it first, but I want it now. Okay? In terms of issues of the heart, you have two sinning children. Two children are breaking God's law. Sure, the circumstances are different.

One is taking the toy and the other is keeping the advantage. The circumstances are different but the heart issue is the same I want my happiness even at your expense See See there a world of difference between the two You got to stop the fight but now you've got to make them both understand you're both wrong. Okay? How about the two boys and the bike?

We make the issue fighting, and so we say, so neither one of you can ride the bike. That's the end of it. Well, you haven't dealt with anything yet, because what's going on? They're both coveting. They're both coveting. That's the why.

The fulfillment is found in possessing something, not in serving somebody else. You see? The immodest teenage daughter. The issue is immodesty. That's the what. That's the behavior.

But you also have to accept the other issue. What is it? You know what she said to you in that exchange? I'm geeky. My friends think I'm geeky. What is she after?

You tell me. What is she after? Approval and acceptance. I'd rather have the smile of my friends than the smile of God. Okay? The fear of man.

What does the Bible say? The fear of man is a snare. Right? It's the fear of man. By the way, popularity is all about the fear of man. It's just the flip side of the coin.

All right? I've got to have your approval. Satisfaction is found not in delighting in God. Satisfaction has to be found in being accepted by this group, whatever the case may be. Okay? Do you see why it's important to get to that?

If you just leave it at the clothes issue, you haven't equipped her. You haven't taught her. What's really important here? Is that really fulfillment? Is that really what it's about? so it affects discipline correction this way your correction must address the heart it must address the heart and lastly okay lastly you have to unmask the sin of the heart because that leads to the cross you see if it's just about the bike it was just about who gets the bike first you haven addressed anything but if you talking about coveting now what if you talking about coveting now you talking about I have violated what God says is right and good If you're talking about fear of man rather than delighting in God, you're talking about idolatry, which God hates.

Right? When you get to the heart, you can lead them to the cross. That's the whole point. in the give and take of everyday life, as you're trying to understand your children, as you're getting to the heart issues, you're exposing, you're unmasking the depravity of their hearts and that will take them to the cross. You can't take them to the cross on a bike.

Okay? And you're not going to take them to the cross with modest clothes. You take them to the cross when they understand that my heart is straying from what God wants. Right? I can't remember the lyrics exactly. I think it's the song we sing, Depths of Mercy, where we say something about straying from your perfect ways.

That's what we want our kids to understand, how they have strayed from the perfect ways of God, how their heart has led them to stray, to walk away from what God says is good and what's right. All right, we're going to stop there, okay? We're going to stop there. we'll pick it up on the next point but try to keep your notes if you don't, we'll have more notes available but you know keep those that way you can fill them all in you don't have to go back and try to find out the answers to the other ones hope this is helpful we've had a good day of worship and fellowship today and Lord willing we'll see each other again in our flocks during the week and then see each other again next week.

So let's pray and then we'll be dismissed. Father, thank you for your word, which speaks about our hearts, our values, all those things that come bump up against what you say we ought to value and what we ought to love and what we ought to hate and so forth. So Lord, we pray that you would cause us, cause the parents here today, Lord, to start thinking about this, to start talking with each other about shepherding hearts and getting to the heart of these issues.

Lord, guide us, we pray, and we'll thank you in Jesus' name. Amen.