Developing Effective Communication Part 2

Well, Dr. Allen has given us a good start this morning. In fact, as I was taking notes, I'm thinking, yes, this is one for the files. I'm going to file this one, which is a good thing, not a bad thing for me. This means it's a keeper. It's going in my files so I can use it for future reference.

I love this whole idea of a beginning with a biblical philosophy of communication. What is communication all about? Why in the world do we talk to one another? So I was encouraged. I was challenged. The Holy Spirit brought conviction to my own heart about what Nick had said to us this morning, through what he said to us this morning.

Now, before we start, we've got to see if everybody's got notes. Okay, everybody got the notes? Who doesn't? Okay, only a few. We need a couple up here. I didn't get one, Dennis. you know keep your hand up you know this afternoon Levi told Dr.

Ellen you know when you know when my dad asked how many people needed notes and those folks put up their hands and he said yeah he said that's the most hand raising that's ever happened in our church all right all right now we've assured him we're not a one shout and you're out church right so if you want to shout, you can do that. I remember the first time anyone shouted an amen while I was preaching, I just stopped cold. I didn't know what to make of that.

Be that as it may, what a privilege it is to have Nick here and have a minister to us. I've always appreciated this ministry whenever we've been together. So come on, Nick. It's all yours. Well, good afternoon to you. Did you get a good nap?

I did. I slept really well. If my brother wouldn't have gotten me up, he was trying to get me up, I was laying in the bed thinking, thank you, Lord, this is nice. Maybe I'll go another 10, 15 minutes, and then I heard some feet pitter-patter, and I kind of started getting up, you know. But I tell you, man, I'm enjoying this. I could hang out here for a while, except somebody's got to pay the bill so I'm gonna have to go back home if that makes sense well I'm excited to have you with us again and um been really thinking about this and got it really and I wanted to share a little bit where this came from and for me doing the research I have a very small church and there was a lot of shitter chatter here and there and I started in the counseling room hearing different things and so I started asking for wisdom as to what's the best way to communicate or articulate to the church and to start to talk about communication because I've been in churches where I could see one word could just be magnified and I've seen churches split over one word I mean how many have ever been around something like that and it was because of misinterpretation and personal agendas that got behind it and so I thought here's a small church I don't want that to happen here what do I do and so I start researching and looking at different passages and this came from that and as I start sharing with the congregation I start seeing changes in the way they were communicating.

And so for me, this was a labor of love for the church. And so I hope that it can do for you what it did for me personally in my marriage and with my children, and even how I began to share as a pastor with others. So just wanted you to get a little idea about that. So let's open up in prayer. Let's look at part two tonight. Father in heaven, we again, we thank you.

You're so kind. You're so gracious. You're so merciful, Lord. Thank you for allowing us to come together. Thank you for this church family that loves you and loves others around them. Thank you for a community of believers, Lord, that is striving to know you, become like you, and be useful to you.

Lord, we ask that you would forgive us of our sins and that you would bless this time tonight as we seek to dive into your word. And Father, we'll be careful to give you the glory. In Jesus' name, amen. I want you to turn your Bibles, if you would, to James chapter 1. and as we're trying to build our understanding of effective communication the key was to begin to understand the theology of communication you know why does God want us to articulate and speak with each other and then we get into this the practicality and what I wanted to do for the next two sessions is to get us into a way of thinking about communication according to James chapter 1 verse 19 and notice what's said in the text in James 1 19 he says this you know my beloved brethren but everyone must be the first thing quick to hear slow to speak and slow to anger and then verse 20 for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God I want us for tonight to focus on the first aspect of this verse where he says let everyone be quick to hear The very difficult part of communication is being patient in hearing.

Now I like what he says quick to hear what do we want to be quick to that's the thing that we should be slow to do and in the text tonight as we look at this being quick to hear I want to lay out some practical tools that I've been able to use over the years that have helped me to be quick to hear because there's so many things I've always wanted to say but what I realize is when I move too quickly to talk I tend to miss the context of the situation in the moment and I give information that's either not needed or I give too much information or I don't give enough information because I was not quick to hear. And so I want you and I to think about some strategies on how to be very good. You're listening.

That's a good thing, guys. All right, let's take a look at number one together. Communication Education involves not only speaking, but listening. Therefore, we are to be quick to hear, which means seek to understand or comprehend what one has to say. Now, that's important for you and I because sometimes we're smarter than the person so we think that's talking and we assume that we know what they're going to say or we assume that we know where this is going and we don't take time to listen. and so I want us to think about some practical tools on this and here's the first set here's the first thing I want you to do letter a we need to make sure that we have correctly heard and that's simple enough isn't it another person's words how many times do you run half cock because you didn't really hear what they said what I tell people all the time is if you really want to change communication you've got to slow down you've got to make sure you've correctly heard what the other person is saying.

You know, you want to go where? You want to do what? Say it one more time. You know, if it takes 20 times, clarity is much better than confusion. And it's too often when I speak with people and they're having communication issues, they not taking time to hear They assume too much versus taking time to learn a lot Here the second thing I want you to learn We must seek to understand what a person means by their words Now that a big one If I were to say to you all, let's rap.

Now, depending on what you think of me, you may think that means a lot of things. See? Your idea of who I am as a black person and rap and gold chains, okay? Or your own age of what you... see, it depends on what you think versus asking a simple question. What did you mean when you said, let's rap? And too often, that's how people get in trouble.

They take their own interpretation and they don't ask the question. That's why there's so much misinterpretation of the Word of God. Someone will look at a scripture and go, well, to me, that means this. I don't care what it means to you. I want to know what the author said when he wrote it. Because what it means to you is irrelevant unless what it means to you is what the Holy Spirit interpreted and said.

But that person would say. So for you and I, we've got to take time. What did you mean? A very simple session with somebody can change your life. What did you mean by what you just said? Because I thought that meant this.

Is that what you're saying? No, that's not what I'm saying. I mean this. And too often, we have bad interpretation. You ever notice that? If I've sized you up and I've got an idea of you, when you say anything.

For instance, if I have stupid written on my forehead, now I can't see it, but you can see it, right? So if I have stupid written on my forehead, everything that I say, how will you interpret it as? Stupid. I could be very intelligent, but if that's what I have on my forehead, it doesn't matter what I've said. And we've got to be clear. If we're going to be quick to listen, what did that person mean by what they said?

Here's the third thing I want you to think about let her see we need to seek to understand what a person is feeling through their words and i know guys that's a tough one you know what a person is feeling i give an example i was in a counseling case and this woman kept saying to her husband you don't love me you don't love me and he kept saying that's not true i've been doing this didn't see you're not listening to me you don't love me but you keep saying that I don't and I do and they start going back and forth I said okay flag on the fields up you know put my little yellow flag I love doing that sometimes I want to have a little whistle you know when people are personal file talking too much you know be quiet but I can't do that that might be Take them a little too far. So I get them and I settle them down. I say, hey guys, listen, listen.

I said, now you said, and I'm going to try to speak your language, ma'am. You said he doesn't love you. So help me and clarify for me. Are you really trying to say that you don't feel loved right now? Yes. And he's like, well, why didn't I say, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Just. So is there any reason why you couldn't articulate that? Well, I just didn't know. Okay, so you didn't know that's what you were feeling in the moment. So those, okay, I got it. Sir, is it possible that you could have asked the question or went this way?

Well, since you don't feel like I love you, what can I do to show you love right now? He said, I hadn't thought about that. I said, exactly. You were too busy trying to defend yourself, selfish one. And you were too selfish to not share your heart because you wanted to guard your heart, selfish one. So you got two selfish people not being clear about what's in their hearts.

I said, see, sir, if you would get over yourself, and ma'am, if you would speak openly, this could be different. He said, oh. I said, so here's what I want you to do. I want you to start saying, don't accuse him of not loving you. Just say at this moment, this is where I'm at. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but this is where I am.

And then, husband, live with your wife in an understanding way. you can begin to not try to defend yourself but be who you are and show love and patience and deal with the sin accordingly and they walked away going oh and i'm going but it's right here be quick to what listen quick to hear we've got to be careful guys because sometimes people are using words because of where their emotions are and yes logically the words don't fit what's going on And so if we take our time and not get so arousal by what was said, but try to understand what's going on, that takes patience. It takes time. But it could change the nature of the situation.

There are times when people will come at me, Pastor, I've got a problem with you. And, you know, this isn't happening. This isn't happening. I'm sitting there going to myself, Holy Spirit, help me because I feel like I'm being attacked right now. And they're talking. They're talking.

I'm saying, well, let me ask you this. Are you disappointed by something that was done and you felt like it should go another way? Or is it that you don't really like me in this moment? Well no Pastor it not that I don like you I just felt like you should have okay but your approach is that I the problem versus us addressing the issue if I were to do that to you you would think I didn't like you or that I was mad at you and that's kind of what I'm sensing as you're talking to me well I guess I am kind of mad that's okay and what are you mad about again?

And let me get this straight, because I didn't do what you wanted the way you wanted it, you're upset with me. Well, pastor, when you put it like that, it makes me sound silly. Love you, man. And I'm almost willing to bet if I were to bring your wife in, she would tell me this is how you treat her when things don't go the way you want. words guys dangerous but also delightful if we use them properly here's the fourth thing i want you to learn number four we need to seek to understand what a person is trying to accomplish through their words now i have a lot of bible college students how many of you have been in bible college let me just see the hands of so okay great good now i can talk about them.

Okay, there's only been a few of you who've been to Bible college. I wanted to check the room first. One of the dangers about students, because I'm a professor, so I teach a lot of Bible college kids, very intelligent. And they always think they're smarter than the teacher, for many of them. And so you have to help them see you're not as smart as you think you are, but you have to do it in a very loving and respectful way to them to demonstrate to them how it works.

So I'll get guys that will ask questions not because they don't know the answer, but they want to see what I know. Or sometimes they feel like, well, he's not teaching the class well enough, so let me ask a question to move this along the way I think it ought to go. And so I will do something that shocks them. They'll ask a question. I'll say, well, given the nature of who you are and what I've learned about you, sir, are you asking this question because you don't know the answer, or are you asking this question because you want to see what I know? and you can just see them turning red.

I said the reason I'm doing this is I want to teach you a lesson. I want you to learn that you got to be careful how you use your words and what's your agenda here? Were you really trying to help the class or you're trying to prove a point about what you think about me and does that bring glory to God and what does that say about you You know what that does for the class when I do that about two or three times People are very careful when they ask questions then because then they checking their own motives What are they trying to accomplish And I like to do that because sometimes when people ask questions, it's not that they don't know the answer, they've got another agenda.

Give an example. Satan. Did God really say? Well, what was his agenda for asking the question to cast doubt now think about when God asked the question why does God ask questions it's not that he doesn't know the answer he's trying to bring you to a place to see where you are so you can deal accordingly so you have to ask yourself a question what are you trying to do with words are you trying to rebuke are you trying to encourage are you trying to challenge are you trying to manipulate what is your goal with words and as we're listening to people, these are things that we want to start to ask and to really start to evaluate, but we have to take the time to do this.

So as the text says, let everyone be quick to hear. These are things that we need to focus on, but I want to go a step deeper with this. Are you with me so far? Let's take a look at point number two. As we're being quick to hear, we need to take time to understand the nature of what we are listening to. We need to take time to understand the nature of what we're listening to.

So notice the first part is about how to hear. We want to get more detailed into trying to identify what we are hearing, if that makes sense. So turn to me, keep your finger there, go back to Proverbs chapter 18. Proverbs 18, I want to look at verse 13 for just a moment in proverbs 18 verse 13 a very important passage not only for just biblical counseling but for just relating with people proverbs 18 13 here's what he says he who gives an answer before he hears it is folly and shame to him have you ever seen that happen where a person is not really listening well, so they just start talking right in the middle of something about when someone's saying something, and so they think they have the answer, and because they really didn't hear, they give a misanswer.

You know what the Bible calls that? Foolish Because we need to slow down and take time to make sure we heard correctly what we heard We got to slow down and make sure that we gathered our information Boy, I've been so guilty of that with my wife. You know, I'm so smart, I think I know my wife. And, you know, she'll start talking. I'll go, you're talking about da-da-da-da-da-da.

No, that's not what I'm talking about. Okay, pick face up off ground, straighten it back up. Okay, I'm sorry, honey, would you forgive me for being impatient? What were you trying to tell me? I don't know how many times I have to do that within a week because I move too quickly. I'm not taking the time to really hear the person and taking time to make sure that I've gathered the facts correctly.

I want to suggest to you that when people are talking to you, that you can begin to categorize what they're saying in four big categories. and I want you to try this tonight or try this this week and tell me what you think and when I'm listening to people I have learned to use these four basic categories and as I use them it gives me discernment and the best way to articulate to the person or maybe to say nothing at all and so as you do this again I want you to try it try it tonight test it on your spouse if you're married test it on your children just see if these categories don't fit real life here's the first what I want you to see. Letter A, when you listen to others, you should seek to determine if the issue is a matter of preference, a matter of preference. Let me give you a definition of what a preference is.

It's neither right nor wrong nor moral implication, just the way the person prefers something to happen or to be. If I were to ask you all, what is the best way to get to Cleveland? How many different answers do you think I get in this room? you know and you'll tell me according to your what preference now is there any one way that we could say is right or wrong or those just preferences here's a bigger one a precept the bible says to study to show thyself approved is that a precept now if i were to say to you but if you're not studying the original languages every day for at least four hours a day you're not studying the Bible.

What did I just do with that preset? Added a preference. Is that true that if you're not studying the original languages at least four or five hours a day, you're not really studying the Bible? Is that true? But what if I gauge you or connect with you to say, you know what, you're not doing it that way, so you're not really studying the Bible. That's a preference.

A preference, again, is neither right nor wrong. It's what I prefer. I'll give you an example. First marriage, only marriage with my wife. First week of marriage, I'm thinking I'm doing great. I take all the clothes.

I go downstairs. We were living in a little townhouse at the time. And I put the clothes in the washer. My wife hollers down and says, Hey, you're not doing it right. What do you mean I'm not doing it right? This is the way I've always done it.

She says, Well, you've always been doing it wrong. And you know what that meant. Like that Lionel Richie song, it was all night long, and we went back and forth, back and forth, over washing clothes. Well, she was right. No, I'm kidding. But at the end of the day, it was a preference.

Let me give you a biblical preference. If you remember in the book of Acts and the journey with Paul and Barnabas, and the idea came up to go back and evaluate the places where they've already set up shop with churches. And so Barnabas had this great idea. Hey, let's take John Mark again. Paul is saying, no, let's not do that again. Barnabas is saying, why not?

Paul is saying, no, he's a rookie. He punked out on us, you know, back at that time. We can't use him again. Barnabas is saying, wait a minute. Everybody deserves a second chance. Didn't you get one, Paul?

Well, hold on now. I've been called of God, Barnabas says, and so have I, and so has John. Why are you going this way? See, this is in my sanctified imagination. I always think about it. Because the text says, a sharp disagreement arose. well here's the question which one was right was Paul right not to want to take John Mark or was Barnabas right and want to take John Mark it was a preference wasn't it and see if we're not careful we can make preferences put us in camps to where we separate because it was neither right nor wrong when I'm listening to people I have to make sure that I'm hearing what I hear are they speaking in terms of a preference here's the second thing I want you to see letter B When you listening to others you should seek to determine if the issue is a matter of conscience A matter of conscience Let me give you a definition of what I mean by that Neither right or wrong but is held as a conviction by the person as right or wrong according to their personal acquired standard.

When you look at the book of Romans, chapter 14, Paul talked about meat sacrifice to idols. And I like to use it in my vernacular. Now, let me see if I can set it up for you. Think about Romans 14. and you guys know I like ribs. Did I tell you I like ribs? Pork ribs, okay, to be specific.

The swine, the good stuff, okay? Now, imagine if there was a Buddhist temple that was selling 15 pounds of pork ribs for a dollar, okay? Cleaned and everything. They've been sacrificed. They've been doing stuff with them, but they cleaned them up, trying to get rid of them. so then I get word that they're selling this for a dollar well what do you think I'm going to do Pastor Ellen is going to get some pork ribs over at the Buddhist temple no shame at all but I see my brother and he sees me and he used to worship and now he's become a Christian and so he used to worship at that temple and so he sees me going to get the pork ribs we've got a dilemma don't we well according to his convictions he doesn't believe that it's okay to do it and so in his mind what i am doing is wrong according to my convictions meat is clean praise the lord pray sanctify it put some barbecue on it we're good to go but who's right who's wrong in that scenario it's a matter of conscience now so romans 14 has to do with in those areas where God has given us what we call gray areas if you will areas where we're free to decide what we will or will not do God says we are to do it in faith happy is the man who does not condemn himself and what he approves it's like a person who perhaps has become or was a drunkard and then he became a Christian and began to deal with it and so when it comes to drinking it's just a no-go he will never ever do it again because of what it did to his life and so to him to drink is a sin but a person who never really had a problem with it and maybe they want to have a glass of wine you put those two christians together it's a conscience issue and so now you got one saying you should never do that that wrong another saying hey i don have a problem with that But neither one are dealing with the issue of is this a right or wrong Or is this a conscience issue?

Or is this a preference issue? As I'm listening to people, and they're talking to me, and they're sharing with me their convictions, I'm listening to say, you know, that's a beautiful thing, but that's a Romans 14 issue. That's a conscience issue. but I need to respect you and not let my freedom become a cause for you to stumble and because my love for you is greater than my liberty I won't let my freedom become a problem for you does everybody see where I'm going but I have to listen to distinguish am I listening to a preference am I listening to a issue of conscience and that helps me as people are talking to me because then I know how I need to respond according to what they're articulating.

But you know what that means? I've got to be quick to what? Hear or listen. Let me give you the third category. When you listen to others, you should seek to determine if the issue is a matter of wisdom. And let's define wisdom issues for a moment.

Wisdom issues. Seeking to determine what is good, better, best course of action in the situation. That's like someone saying to me, hey, I've just gotten $20,000 and I want to figure out the best way to invest this or to make this work well. What do you suggest? Well, that's a wisdom issue. Hey, you know, we're in a situation where someone has just offered us a job in another city and we've got a place here, but we're trying to figure out what we need to do.

That's a wisdom issue, trying to identify what's good, better, or best. Let me give you the fourth and final category. When you listen to others, you should seek to determine if it's the issue of a matter of morality. What do we mean by that? A moral situation whereby God, whereby the person is either doing what God has commanded or is disobeying what God has commanded.

Real simple. Someone comes to me and says, you know what, I know God doesn't want me to be unhappy because God wants me to be happy. This is a true story. I've sat in a counseling session. And because God didn't want me to be unhappy, the man I'm with is not really my husband. I have found my true husband.

I know he's married to someone else, but I believe God wants me to be with that man. I said, you know what? I've got a word from the Lord for you. And it right here in 1 Corinthians God says no Well I just don believe that that God So let me get this straight You don believe that God Word is inerrant and sufficient and has authority Yeah, but. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, but. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Flag on the personal file. Flag on the field. So you're allowing what you feel in the moment to override what God says. This is clear, sister.

No, and repent, and let's work on your issues in the marriage. But notice the categories. What's the first category again? Let's go backwards. Category one is? Category two?

Category three? Category four? My challenge to you is to listen to people and see when they're conversating with you where those things fit. What that has helped me to do over the years is to learn where to say something and where to be quiet. See, when there's a preference issue on the table, there's no need for me to debate if the Texans are better than the Browns everybody knows well let me not go there I won't touch it but you get my point when you understand something is a preference sometimes we're just chasing wind and I'll listen to people and go you know what these guys are never going to see that they're both right in a sense because it's preference and they're creating unnecessary issues because they're not listening well to the other person.

Think about the last disagreement you were in and ask the question, was it truly necessary? Was I really listening? If I would have taken this information and really listened well, could it have saved me about 10, 15 minutes of unnecessary haggling and hassling? If I had just taken time to say, is this preference? Is this conscience? Is this wisdom?

Is this morality? how would it have changed my conversation? And so my challenge to you, as we are looking at this first context of how to listen, these are crucial things that if we learn them and live them, it could change how we listen. Everybody said? Amen. Let's take a look at the next section here as we've understood these two things. Here's the third thing I want you to see. as we're being quick to hear we need to take time to understand who we are listening to who we are listening to this is so important in listening because if I understand who I'm listening to that me a context of what I can expect as far as the conversations.

For instance, letter A, when you listen to others, you should take into consideration if they are Christians or non-Christians, which can help you determine what needs to be said in that moment. If I'm talking to an unbeliever and they start talking a bunch of trash, can you guys tell me what's the job description of a sinner? Anybody know what a job description of a sinner is?

To sin. So what do they do for a living? Oh, so am I shocked when they talk about sinful issues when they talk to me? Should I be appalled like, I can't believe you're saying those things. Well, what's the job description of a sinner? Oh.

Now, as soon as they profess to be a saint, that changes the nature of how I listen. Notice what I said, profess, because not every who professes to be a saint possesses Christianity. You know, many, many will say to me on that day, Lord, Lord, depart from me, I never knew you, you who practice iniquity. So there are many professors, but very few possessors.

And that gives me an opportunity to begin to dialogue, to say, wait a minute, I'm listening to you, brother, sister, and you say you belong to Christ, but these words and this and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, it should dictate your communication but if it's a non-christian you go okay i've got to put my ambassador hat on this is an unbeliever so how do i lord use this conversation as a means to be an ambassador for you here's the second thing when you listen to others you should take time to consider if they're an authority over you which can help you to determine what needs to be said in that moment now i don't know about you but I'm not bold enough to call my boss stupid. I might call my friend that, which is just as bad. But still, you need to make sure that you understand, okay, am I dealing with someone in authority over me?

Because if someone's in authority over me, that needs to really govern what I say because I've got to make sure that I'm not borderline being disrespectful. full. There's a guy named Jim Berg and he said something very profound. He said the level of authority that you disrespect is the level of authority that you believe you equal to Now think about that The level of authority that you willing to disrespect is the level of authority that you believe you equal to And when we listening we need to ask the question, am I dealing with a believer or non-believer here?

Am I dealing with someone who's in authority over me? Because that should determine how I listen and watch this, what I need to say next. Here's the third thing. When you're listening to others, you should take time and consideration to see if you are in authority over them, which can help you determine what needs to be said in that moment. Now that's important.

So notice Christian, non-Christian, if they're in authority over me. Third section, if I'm in authority over them. I need to be careful because as a leader, I have influence. And my words may mean a lot to somebody else. how I respond may mean a lot and I have to be careful as I'm talking to people in the congregation or as a professor at the school or in a counseling situation because God has put me in a position where my words carry weight and I have to be very careful but you know what God's put you in a situation as a believer where your words carry weight how are you dealing with people who are under your authority.

Number four, when you listen to others, you should take into consideration if you are co-equals, which can help you to determine what needs to be said in that moment. You and I have people on different levels with us. There are people that are over us. There are people that are under us. There are people that are equal to us. There are people who are around us that are believers, that are non-believers.

As we are listening, these are crucial things that we can take into consideration so that it should begin to help us to process the best way to articulate what needs to be said let's take a look at number four as we close out for this evening as we're being quick to hear we need to take time to make sure that we're not limiting our interpretation of what we hear to our personal assessment apart from a biblical interpretation resulting in misinterpretation of what we hear now if you think about it proverbs says that we are to trust in the lord with all our heart and lean not on our what now let me give an example what your own understanding is your own understanding is a human observation of something that lacks a biblical interpretation So we go out we look at something we all see it and then we try to interpret what we see. If our interpretation is not rooted and grounded in what God says, it becomes our own understanding. And as a result, we start to see things, and that's what happens in the psychological arena.

We could sit down with a psychiatrist or a psychologist, and they both could see some things and we could come in the room and we could all three sit down and see a man being mean to his wife. And we would all say together, what do we see over there? This is a man being mean to his wife. Observation. Now, here's the $30 question. Why is he being mean to his wife?

Now, if they don't come with a biblical interpretation, what are we going to hear? His mommy didn't button him up right and all the things that they say that doesn't match the fact that he's just being selfish and wicked in his heart and needs to deal with his issues according to God's design. Human observation, biblical interpretation, a human observation, lack of biblical interpretation.

When we are listening, we need to make sure that we don't allow our personal stuff to get in the way. And let me suggest to you four things that we need to listen for. Four things. number one when we listen we need to make sure we're not limiting our interpretation of what we hear according to our perception perception resulting in allowing our opinions of the person to drive us in our listening leading to foolishness and words and actions all of us have our own little ideas of what we think of people and if we don't see people for who they are according to what god says but we look at them according to what we think, we start interpreting in the wrong way.

And that is why we have so much confusion and disorder if we look around us within the community, within the culture, and unfortunately sometimes in the church because we're dealing with people according to perceptions. Here's another one, the same idea. We, when we listen, we need to make sure we're not limiting our interpretation of what we hear according to our preferences.

And we've talked about preferences before. now if all I want from you is what you will and will not do for me then that limits how I listen to you because as soon as you're not doing or saying what I want I'll turn you off because the agenda is not that I show love to you the agenda is that you do what I prefer and as long as you do what I prefer man we going to be wonderful in this relationship But when you don do what I prefer it over I'm not listening. I've tuned you out. La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Can't hear you. Can't hear you. We've got to be careful that we're not letting our perception and our preferences drive our listening. Here's the third thing. When we listen, we need to make sure that we're not limiting our interpretations of what we hear to our pain allowing our disappointments hurts and frustrations to determine how we listen leading to foolishness and words and actions when people let you down and you've got a grudge in your heart it's hard to hear them according to what they're saying because you're too wrapped up and what you were denied or what you believe you deserve and when you deal with people according to what you believe you've been denied or what you deserve your mind is always taking things to another level and you're not hearing according to what's being said you're hearing according to where your heart is and the danger of that is it keeps you in a place where things are cloudy and not clear here's the fourth thing i want you to think about as we talk about listening when we listen we need to make sure we're not limiting our interpretation of what we hear to our passions allowing our selfish desires to determine how we listen leading to foolishness in words and actions.

What do you think about this? If what I want from you is more important to me than what God has commanded me to do for you, then we'll always get along when you give me what I want. But if my love for you, according to the design of love, and what God defines as agape love, is how I handle you, when I'm disappointed, I still will not deny doing what God has commanded me to do for you.

How do you handle people close to you? Are you consumed with what you want so you can't hear anything unless it's what you want to hear? Or have you come to the place to recognize my covenant with God is greater than the passion of my soul to get what I want? And until that happens, your listening will be distorted by your passions well I hope tonight you can take some of this and we're going to build on this because we're just talking about because if you can begin to apply this, we're going to look at the other side of the coin.

When you do open your mouth, there are some things that you'll begin to say differently because you want to not only be quick to hear but slow to speak, but when you do speak, you want your words to be edifying, but you can't speak well if you're not listening properly. the story is told about this man who was really struggling with listening and as he kept trying to get it together and work it out and really work it through he just had a hard time listening and so he finally got to the place where he just started running his mouth and he didn't care what anybody thought and his wife lovingly nudged him to the side to say, you know, if you spend as much time listening as you do sharing your heart, you would be a blessing to other people. Here's my challenge to you. Listen well, guys.

Listen well. It's not so important what you have to say. It's more important how you listen to what others are saying. If you're going to be an ambassador for the king, if you're going to be a builder for the king. You've got to get to the place where your words are spoken in a way that blesses others. And here's what I've learned.

The best advice given is the advice that is asked for. Have you noticed that? The less you tell people what you think and let them ask you what you think, it goes a longer way. Now I don't want you to show your hands but be honest how many of you love to give your opinions when they not even being asked for Well you know what I think No and we really don care but that not going to stop you now is it Okay.

Are you one of those people where, you know, you wait so that your words have more power? I've learned over the years, it's just good to shut up. It really is. It's just good to just listen and then when someone says hey nick what do you think oh it's showtime and i give them just a little bit just a little bit just a little bit why because our goal is not to kill people with insight our goal is to bless people with insight unless you're more concerned about people hearing you than you are about serving them.

Our words were meant to be used to connect. May you begin to listen well. Let's pray together. Father, we thank you as we're seeking to learn how to listen before we speak. Lord, help us to begin to think these things through. May we think about, Lord God, how to hear a person, what they mean, and evaluate their feelings.

May we begin to think about what people are trying to accomplish. Lord, may we think and begin to evaluate if we're listening to preference issues or conscience issues or wisdom issues or issues of morality. Lord, help us to think if we are listening to Christians and non-Christians or people in authority over us or in authority over us or equal to us.

Lord, help us to see are we listening according to our perceptions, our preferences, our pain or our passions and help us to be renewed afresh so that we can be quick to listen in a manner that brings the greatest glory to you and the biggest benefit to others in Jesus name