Developing Effective Communication Part 3

Well, I've already been thinking through some of my relationships and how I need to change my communication. In fact, we were sitting at the dinner table tonight, and Beck and I started in on whether this was hash or not, and one of my children said, is this perception? And I said, no, your mother's just wrong. all right well brother we are anticipating some good things tonight so come and minister the word all right good afternoon to you it has been a wonderful day for me i got a little work done and uh was able to be chatty kathy today i had some fun just hanging out talking with people and fellowship and I'm really enjoying myself.

I know I'm going to pay for this when I get home because there's work piled up that I haven't done, you know, that I said I was going to get to this week, but I've been like, eh, that's okay. I've really been enjoying the time with you all. And I pray that this will be a blessing to you as it's been to me. And so as we dive in a little bit more, I pray that God will begin to open your heart more as we will finish up a little bit with James today and then next couple of days we'll go into some more subtle topics like what is really gossip and how do we know between gossip and just sharing and what do we do when Al talks to Betty about Carl but never talks to Carl and so we want to get more specific and deal with some of those things but today we need to lay some more groundwork on how to articulate and speak so let's pray together and let's begin to walk this through.

Father we thank you for the kindness that you keep showing us every day. We thank you, Lord God, that you chose us before the foundation of the world. And Lord, as we rest in your sovereign care and concern for us, we pray, Lord God, that we would embrace your sovereignty every day, knowing that nothing happens unless you allow it or ordain it, but ultimately you will cause all things to work together according to our good, our ultimate sanctification in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

And we thank you, Lord. And we pray, Lord, that we could walk in a manner worthy of the calling that you've called us to so that the world could see you through us. Now Lord would you clear our hearts and minds would you help us to understand your word tonight that we would be able to not only learn it Lord but live it to your glory We ask it in Jesus name Amen Now, I'm going to give you some theologians.

These are some great theologians, and they go by the name Run DMC. Has anybody ever heard of Run DMC in the room? okay I have a few people now they're great theologians believe it or not they wrote a song a rap song many years ago that fits where we're going and the rap song said you talk too much you never shut up homeboy you talk too much you can never shut up and I thought now wow this is some good stuff because there are times guys where if we're not careful we could be guilty of talking too much. Or the flip side of talking too much is not talking in a manner that will bring glory to God.

And so we come to that part of the passage now where we've been looking at be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. We want to talk about those other two parts now, which is the slow to speak. So when it is time for you and I to speak, the question is, how do we talk? How do we articulate what needs to be said and what should govern our conversations with people?

And I believe that if we were more careful in how we articulate things to people, I think we would have better conversations that would bring more glory to God and be more beneficial to others. And so what I want us to do is to think through this and begin a portion tonight on when I do open my mouth, whose interests do I have in mind? Let me tell you why that's important for you and I.

Sometimes we are talking too much because it's more about us and less about the other person. And when you're not truly listening to the other person, you're operating what I like to call the Proverbs 18.2 principle. Are you guys familiar with Proverbs 18 too? Turn in your Bibles there for just a moment. When I have couples fighting in my sessions, and sometimes I goad them on to fight so I can see where their hearts are, so I can help them see themselves.

I would like for them to look at Proverbs 18 too because this is to me the challenge of communicating apart from understanding God design for communication and a heart that seeks to serve through communication Notice in Proverbs 18 verse 2 he says this, a fool does not delight in understanding but only in revealing his own mind. Now, let that sink in for a moment. A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind.

What that means practically is that foolish people aren't seeking to understand. They just want to be understood. And so when they're talking, they're not really listening to anybody else. They just want to be understood. And when you're having a fight with someone and someone is having a fight with you, is that not what's going on? And guess what the Bible defines that as?

Foolishness. If everyone is talking, who's listening? And if your opinion is the only one that matters, then what's the point of talking? Because basically what you're saying is, I really don't care what you have to say. In other words, if I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. And that's what it's like when you're very foolish because you're not considering the interests of other people, their hearts, their ideas.

It's just about you. And so as we unfold this James passage of being quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, let's begin to talk now, looking at point number one, the concept of being slow to speak. But when we do speak, what we should think about. Here's point number one. Communication involves being wise in how much speaking we do. Being wise in how much speaking we do. therefore we should be slow to speak making sure we do not what talk too much now how do we break that down practically what does that mean for you and i let's look at point number one together letter a we need to make sure we are having a dialogue not a monologue you catch that when we're talking to others.

Have you ever talked to someone, you're just there? Because all they're doing is yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap. That's a monologue. When we're talking to people if we want to be wise in our conversations we want to have a dialogue We want people to be involved We want to connect We want them to connect with us around that which is true so that between the conversation we can grow in the grace and knowledge of God together.

But that can't happen if you're always dominating the conversation. Letter B, we need to make sure that we are not, guess what, dominating the conversation with our agenda. Have you met people like that? You can't get a word in edgewise. They control what we discuss. They control what it's going to be about.

They control when we stop talking. They control when we start talking. The whole conversation revolves around them. To where you have to say, permission to speak, ma'am, sir? Because they have controlled and dominated. When you're dialoguing with people, is it a monologue or is it a dialogue? do you dominate the conversation or is it free-flowing between you and the other person here's the third thing i want you to think about we need to make sure that we're not oh this is a big one cutting people off when talking so we can talk have you ever had that happen you're in the middle of a statement and somebody just decides you know what what you have to say is not as important as what i have to say right now so let me just cut you off and start what i want to say you ever had that happen you've probably done that haven't you go ahead be honest and shame the devils that say be honest right and isn't that a difficult thing because what did you just communicate to that person basically what they're saying is really not that important is what you're saying in the moment and when you are quick to listen and slow to speak you've got to be wise and ask the question did i just cut this person off because what i have to say is more important I can remember I was talking to a guy one time back in Houston, and I made a statement, and before I could finish, I was in mid-sentence.

He cut me completely off and began to tell me a story based upon the statement I just made. So then I listened, and then I said something else. Before I could get through with the sentence, I was in mid-sentence. He cut it off again and began to tell me another story. So you know what I finally did? I just sat there and listened the whole time.

And he says, boy, you have nothing to say? No. just share your heart. Because you know what he communicated to me by cutting me off every time? What I have to say is really not that important unless it fits what's on his mind. Is that how people think when you're conversating with them? Do they know? know that you really want to hear what they have to say?

Are you cutting them off because what you have to say is more important? When we're following James and we're looking at the context, being quick to hear and slow to speak, I'm using wisdom with my words. Here's the next thing I want you to think about. Letter D. In essence, we want to make sure that we're not what? Babbling. isn't that what it boils down to want to make sure that we are not babbling you know there's a saying and i i read this somewhere i want to read this to you it says it's better to remain silent and be thought a fool in the open one's mouth and remove all doubt you ever heard that before we need to be careful guys we need to make sure that we are guarding our tongues but once you look at the next thing with me in order to be slow to speak there are some things that we need to ask ourselves before we begin to speak when you open your mouth to dialogue with someone remember point number one you are a servant of Jesus Christ and because you are a servant of Jesus Christ your words are to be in such a way that God is glorified with your tongue because remember now when you meet someone you're one or the other you're an ambassador if they're not a Christian and you are a builder if they are a Christian and so your words need to be words of wisdom that bring glory to God by you.

If they're an unbeliever, they can hear your words and perhaps if God in his sovereignty has decided, he wins them or you win them the Christ. For those who belong to him, through your words, you're able to help them grow in Christ. It needs to be said, after talking to you, they have learned more about God and themselves than ever before. And they're more encouraged than ever before.

Why? Because you speak the truth in love. So with that being said, I want us to begin to explore some of these things. Before you start talking to someone, let me suggest that you ask some of these questions. Here's the first question As you pondering what to say ask yourself what do I know about this person that should shape what I about to say You know we got to be very careful because not everybody can handle who we are and how we communicate.

If you're around very sensitive people and they take everything very seriously and you're a jokester, sometimes they don't quite understand how you're doing what you're doing and we have to be very careful because I like to be playful at times, but sometimes I'm around people who take themselves very seriously. And when I'm around people who take themselves very seriously, when I start joking, they look at me like, I don't understand. Dude, it's a joke.

Lighten up. Lighten up for what? I mean, I'm saying, okay. So I get it. I need to be careful how I approach you. I need to understand who you are so that my words can be sensitive to where you are.

Here's the second thing I want you to think about. As you're pondering what to say, ask yourself, is what I have to say really that important at this moment? Do I really need to speak at all at this moment? How many of you know that every statement doesn't have to have a response? Who's figured that out yet? Have you every statement doesn't have to have a response.

Wait a minute, let's say that together. Every statement doesn't have to have a response. I don't know where we get this idea that we always have to respond to something that's being said. Sometimes it's good to say nothing at all. Are you sure that you want to do that? Are you asking? or are you upset?

Why did you do that? Is that really a question or is that rhetorical because I'm angry? See, we got to really evaluate when people are talking to us where they are and to be wise in what we say or not say at all. When people approach me in the manner, and they have, and I've approached people in that manner as well, I've had to think twice. If I were to answer them right now, is that really going to help the situation?

Because they don't sound like they really want an answer as to why I'm doing this. It sounds like they're angry and frustrated with what I've done. And if I give them a logical answer, that's just going to make them even madder because they don want me to be logical right now Does that make sense to you So it better to wait till they deal with their unloving attitudes and calm down and then approach it a little bit later because this doesn't seem to be the best time to share.

So you're not going to talk to me? You're not going to say anything right now? A gentle answer turns away wrath. Well, you know, I think we need to talk about this later. No, I want to talk about it now. I think I'm going to wait until later.

No, we're going to talk about it now. Share your heart. When I've done that with people, and I get quiet and let them just go on, sometimes they get angry because guess what they're realizing? They're making a fool of themselves. You know it takes two people to fight, right? It only takes one to look foolish. and sometimes I've learned the best conversation is no conversation in the moment until the person calms down when we're thinking how to speak we need to consider these things is it maybe possible we just need to be quiet here's the third thing as you're pondering what to say ask yourself is there a real need a problem and how should I address it if it is if there is no real need a problem how can I engage this person without making the conversation all about me I think one of the first things we have to consider in any conversation is have we turned the tables to put the center of attention on ourselves are we truly engaging the individual and encouraged by listening to what they have to say.

Because what do children do when you have a conversation? What is the immediate thing to do? Turn it back to themselves. And they'll make it all about themselves. Now, are we adults or are we children? Depends on the subject, doesn't it?

See, if there are things that are very important to me and I'm more concerned about you hearing me than me listening to you. I will not only cut you off, but I'll make the whole conversation about me. Why? Because I have something to say about that. And I want to be heard. And being heard right now is more important to me than listening.

We've got to ask the question, is there a real need here to say something And if so how do I say it in the right way Or is it just a time where I need to just engage this person I challenge you over the next week or so engage people Again, don't talk about you unless they ask you. Just engage them. Ask all kinds of questions. You know who is good at doing that?

You ever watch one of those late night shows? You know, I'm not asking if you watch it all the time, or if you watch, what is it, Arsenio, or the guy that just moved to New York, what's his name? Jimmy Fass. See, somebody watches. Gotcha. No, I'm kidding.

So, I mean, as you watch these guys, many of them are great. What makes a good talk show host is that he's not really talking about himself. He's always putting it back on the person, and they last the longest. Think about Carson. Think about all those guys. They knew the art of asking questions to get people to talk, and they engage them by talking about those things.

Very seldom did they draw themselves in. It was every now and again. Try it. You'll be amazed at the conversations and things you can learn about people as you engage them to get to know them, not try to be known, but to get to know. It's a wonderful thing that we have when we do that because watch this. As you're listening, you can start to think about what is this person's belief system?

What is this person's agenda? What is this person's desires? How do I begin to speak to them in a way that can address those matters in a way that will bring glory to God and benefit them? Am I dealing with a believer? Am I dealing with an unbeliever? And the more they're talking, the more you can learn, and then you start to get discernment on the best words to use in order to be the great ambassador or the great builder.

But in order to do that, You've got to ask some very pertinent questions. Let me suggest to you the fourth question to think about. As you're pondering what to ask, say, or as you ponder what to say, ask yourself, is the way I'm about to speak to this person the best approach, or should I consider another way to communicate this to this person? What does God's word have to say about this? guys I can't stress enough learning the nature of the person you're speaking to before you say something to them because sometimes we need to change our approach according to the people we're talking to.

And we can't have the same approach with everybody. Doesn't mean that we can't be the same person, it just means that we can't have the same approach. You say, well, can you show me that in the Bible? Boy, you guys are sharp. You're asking the right questions. Man, I can't get anything past you.

Okay, well, I'll show you the Bible, okay? John, the book of John, Jesus talking to Nicodemus. How did he handle Nicodemus? let's just cut to the chase oh smart one you must be what born again i mean he went there with nicodemus he didn't miss words he just cut to the chase with nicodemus to bring him the gospel but the woman at the well what did he do give me a drink you know if you knew the one who was asking you for a drink and he went through all these things and when he challenged her about the men she had been sleeping with and she tried to make it a theology lesson he chased that theology with her and tore it right back to her you notice that he didn't do that with nicodemus different people different situations same truth but his words and dialogue was adjusted to fit where that person was how are you doing with that do you talk to everybody the same way that means 50 of the people get along with you you ever thought about that why don't you raise that up a little bit make it 70 80 learn to adjust according to the people now i'm not saying that you don't become who you are be who you are i'm saying you consider the people you are addressing because ultimately we are ambassadors for Christ and we are builders for Christ.

The story is told about this woman who was training on the job and she was really, really working with the employees to make sure that they were dressed appropriately for the job. So everyone had to have slacks on, they had to have the company shirt on, and she was getting on them. So this man walks on the elevator, he has his jeans on and he has his boots on, and he walks on and she looks at him with a snooty little look looks him down and then she makes a statement as she presses the elevator button to go up hmm aren we dressing a little casual for work today and the man said yeah that one of the benefits of owning the company You need to be careful to watch what you say and who you say it to because you really don't know who you're addressing.

We need to be wise. That's a good time for a? Amen. All right, let's transition over, guys. I want us to look at point number three together. So as we're understanding this being quick to hear and slow to speak, the text also says we're to be slow to anger, slow to anger.

So what do we mean by this? As we listen carefully and speak less, we need to make sure we are slow to anger. And here's the idea from the text, to not allow ourselves to burn with thoughts of revenge towards the person, or to burn with thoughts of punishing the person while listening. See, do you notice that when you're getting mad and people are talking, what's going on in your head towards that person?

I know what you're feeling, but if you ever stop, what am I thinking? I really want to tell them apart. And I've seen people look at me like, if you say one more word, and they're not saying a word, but the look that they're giving me, it's like, you just keep talking, pastor, and you're about to feel the wrath of me. And you just feel it because they're just boiling and I'm talking, but they're not really listening because they are...

How many of you find yourselves burning with anger? Now, let me give you a hint about anger, by the way. When you understand anger, sinful anger biblically, there's a simple reality behind all anger that's sinful. What it boils down to is you're having a temper tantrum. And there's something you want that you're not getting. And there's something you're getting you don't want. and instead of accepting what God has allowed and submitting to what he's saying, you believe that you have a right to pout like children.

That's what it boils down to. I want blank, and when I don't get blank, everybody's going to suffer. And you know how you do it. Some of you, your silence is so loud, I just want to say, start talking, please, because your silence is killing me. I can't hear you because of your silence. some of you, you are so much of an outburst of anger person, you want to say, please just be quiet But in both cases you not thinking about the God who has created all things You not encouraged when he says and all things give thanks for this is God will concerning you You saying God you don know what you doing You made a mistake because what I want I can have And you're telling the person, you know that your world revolves around my agenda.

Did you not get the memo? So every time there's anger, when you get honest, you're acting like a child that believes the world revolves around him or her and can i go just a little bit deeper for a moment you're showing what you worship see wherever you're angry sinfully you're showing me what you worship because you're saying this thing is more important to me than god i'm willing to sin to get this and sin when i don't get this and I am upset right now. Really?

So being slow to anger is really just saying, I'm not going in that direction. Does that make sense? But when you do, your heart is on display. So with this in mind, let's kind of walk through this together. Point number three, letter A, as we listen, we must not allow our minds to be filled with thoughts of payback, with thoughts of payback. Now, I don't know about you, but there are some people that if God just turned around for just one day, just gave me 24 hours, and he would just turn his head, I would make some things happen, and the body would not be found.

Am I the only one? You'll never say it, will you? But you think like me sometimes. If he would just close his eyes for just a minute, because of the thoughts I've had about these people, not accepting that God's will is good even when people treat me poorly, but thinking I should always be treated fairly, not accepting that I live in a wicked world with people who don't love God.

I get those thoughts. And so being slow to anger, I've got to not be thinking about payback. Here's the second thing I want you to see with this. As we listen, we must not allow our minds to burn with deep-seated resentment. Can I ask you a question? If you were to go home now in your prayer closet what person has God been trying to get you to deal with that you hold resentment in your heart towards Who is it that God has used to build your character and you thought God was using them to break you down, but he was using them to grow you up?

How are you handling that person now? Are you ready to do what God calls about forgiveness and love with that person? Or is it possible that because of where your heart is, anyone that looks like them or acts like them, you find yourself acting the same way in the present that you wanted to act with the person in the past. As I work with people a lot of times who've been abused and raped or misused or mishandled, we have a lot of discussions about how some people in their lives in the present reminds them of that mean person in the past.

And what I tell them is, here's the secret, your past is not the challenge it's your present heart towards the past and because you haven't dealt with your heart towards the past the past is gone but your heart is just where it was 20 30 40 years ago and so you were angry then and you're angry now you were mad about a thing you're mad about it now you you're not dealing with God the way he wants you to back then you're not dealing with him now the way he wants you to. So in that area of your life, it's not that the past is your problem. It's an attitude that needs to be addressed right now.

How are you handling this heart issue? And guess what God does in his wisdom? He'll bring people along that acts just like that person that you haven't dealt with. And then you find yourself in a position where when so-and-so is around, I don't know why, but they really get on my nerves. Really. Based upon what you know about the sovereignty of God and the sufficiency of him.

What is he trying to teach you about you? What is he trying to teach you about him? Because it's not the person. Because how many of you know you can't control what people think? Anybody know that? I'm thinking something right now.

Can you control it? How many of you know you can't control what a person wants? Anybody know that? I'm wanting something right now. Can you control what I want? How many of you know you can't control the will of an individual, what they will to do?

I mean, you can strap them down, but they can still will themselves no matter what. How many of you know that? You can't control it, right? So how many of you know you can't control what people feel? Anybody know that? We have a dilemma here.

If they can't control what a person thinks, what a person desires, what a person wills, what a person feels, then that means they can't control it about whom? Me. Okay, we got a problem here, guys. So if I can't control it about them, and they can't control it about me, then who's making me mad? Anybody? Mueller?

Mueller? Mueller? You get my point? you've decided to be mad because what you want you can't control getting no one can make you you've made the decision if not then how do we talk about the power of the holy spirit in galatians chapter 5 the fruit of the spirit is love joy peace unless someone makes me mad then i have no control is that biblically solid is that true so when we start to think about this slow to anger and resentment.

We've got to understand that this is not an issue of the past. It's not an issue of the person. It's an issue of our heart. Are we willing to accept that God is sovereign and in his sovereignty there is good and bad that will come to my life? In the book of Ecclesiastes chapter 7 he says when it's good be happy but when it's bad consider God has made the one as well as the other so that man will not discover what will be after him.

Who's controlling the good and bad in your life? Resentment just reveals I don't trust him at the level that I thought I did. And it's hard to have good communication. It's hard to speak well when I'm harboring this in my heart. Look with me at the third thing. As we listen, we must not allow ourselves to react in this anger.

Letter D, in essence, we must not allow ourselves to be controlled by anger while we listen accordingly. A story told about this woman who was working in a factory and she liked to paint. And so she would, from time to time, when her hands were distracted, she would put the paintbrush in her mouth and she would begin to use her teeth and her tongue to do the painting.

Well, something happened over some weeks. She started to get sick and couldn figure out why she was getting sick And then one day she went past the mirror and noticed that her tongue was starting to glow Any idea what may have been happening A little bit of that paint was on her tongue and that little bit began to poison her and it started to ruin her. Now here's what's interesting.

What a little bit of paint could do on the tongue is what a little bit of evil can do on the tongue. See just like a little bit of paint can cause a lot of damage, a little bit of evil on your tongue can be just as damaging. So are you ready, in all honesty, to recognize that anger is not the problem of people and circumstances. Anger has to do with where you believe you are or what you believe you deserve versus what God has allowed and what God is asking you to work for in your heart.

Because in order to be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, that means you've got to make some adjustments in your understanding of the character of God and the circumstances he's allowing in your life. Let's take a look at number four. In an effort to be quick to hear and slow to anger, our words need to be truthful when we do speak. So now think about this.

Quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. As we do talk, we need to be honest. Here's a trick question. Honey, do you think I look fat in this dress? How do you answer that one? Very carefully, but with the truth.

You ask, well, how did you answer that question? Millions of different ways, but being honest. Honey, do you want affirmation right now? Or do you want to know really about that dress? Here's another way I go at it. Honey, it doesn't matter what that dress looks like.

I love you anyway. Yeah, but do I look fat in this dress? Yes. But I love you anyway. Speaking the truth in love. it will cost you something you do know that right let's talk about that for a moment number one you should be honest in your communication with others The devil is the father of lies Is that not right So I know we try to categorize little white lies and all that kind of stuff.

A lie is a lie is a lie, period. And God has called us to speak the truth and love. Now, there's a difference, and let me share this with you. There's a difference between being open and loving and open and unloving. And sometimes when we talk to people, we can be open and unloving. In other words, we are right in our facts, but we're nasty in our approach.

You know the difference, right? See, when you're right, but you're nasty, people can't hear you, not because they're not willing to hear the truth, but you're so ugly in your approach. They can't hear the truth because you're so ugly in your approach. We are called to be open and loving, not open and unloving. that means that we are gentle in our approach but yet we're honest in what we're saying that doesn't mean that they may not feel the pain of the truth but they'll feel the pain of the truth not the ugliness of our presentation and that's what we see faithful are the wounds of a friend but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy a faithful friend in the right context and the right way seeks to share with you what is true and right but they're gentle because they care about you and they understand how you handle things but people who just want to get things off their chest they may be right but man they're selfish have you ever experienced that when someone is open and unloving with you oh man you can't debate the facts but could they have waited till you sat down and rested for a moment before they begin to just throw all the stuff at you or was it now that you're here i get to say what i've been wanting to say i've been waiting for you three hours now or is it wait a minute is this for their benefit or for my personal satisfaction when you're open and loving the truth is presented with consideration of the person which leads us to letter B.

You should speak up or speak out with the truth, having the other person's welfare in mind. When you honest with people is it because you irritated and now they gotten on your nerves so now it time to tell them what you think Or are you considerate of who they are and where they are and what best for them Here's the third thing I want you to see. You should speak up or speak out after you've dealt with your own motives and sin issues.

When you're upset, it's not the time to speak the truth in love. When you're upset, it's time for you to go before your Lord, your God. and begin to deal with your unloving attitudes, to confess, to repent, to replace, so that you can be a servant of grace as you share the reality of what needs to be said. If we were to take time, guys, and do this, there are many unbelievers who are not rejecting the gospel.

They're rejecting us. we're given the truth but boy we're so ugly with it and they can't hear the truth because of us and there are most that are rejecting the gospel because it's true and we're being kind and careful but there's some people that we've talked to and they've picked up on our self-righteousness they've picked up on our grandiosity they've picked up on things about us and as a result it's hard for them to hear what jesus christ is saying to them let it be said about you that when you're rejected, it's the truth they're rejecting, not your attitude. Because not only did you speak the truth, you spoke the truth in love. And what does 1 Corinthians 13 tell us about love?

Love is patient. Love is wild. If we go back and look at that text, whenever we articulate in what we're articulating, that's the characteristics that we should be having in our approach to others. Here's letter D. you should be silent in a matter when you realize that you're not going to build up the other person with your words. I have found that it is better sometimes for me to say nothing than to say what I'm thinking.

The other day, my daughter, I shared with you guys that my youngest daughter has come back home and she's trying to get her act together and she's about to be married and she's made some very sinful choices in her life and she has now repented and come to Christ and now a believer. and as a result, there's some damage that's been done over the years. And so when she's in the home, she's made some decisions that at times, I've just said what I was thinking, not thinking. I say, and you know, maybe I'm the only parent that's ever done that, but you know, I just, and so the other week she made what I call a bonehead decision with one of the cars that we let her use, and I'm just, it's boiling over.

You ever felt that? And I want to say something, and she's walking around, she's all happy-go-lucky, and the more happy-go-lucky she is, the more upset I'm becoming, and I'm just watching, and she's going, hey, daddy, you know, what's going on, daddy? And I'm thinking, oh, just don't talk to me right now. But whose problem was that? Was that her problem or mine?

You know what God had to show me? You self-righteous little preacher, get over yourself, humble yourself under me, and speak kindly to your daughter. because right now you are out of order what she did you can speak to it but the way you're going to speak to it it's not to bring correction so that she may change it's to bring punishment because you're irritated repent in my presence and how many times have you spoken because you want to punish and not correct? How many times because you are so upset because the world now revolves around you, this has to be said.

And God gave me the biggest spanking. And I had to humble myself before my daughter and I had to take a different route. and since she's been home i've had to do more apologies than more dialogue and my daughter's looking at me weird like what's wrong with daddy you are my progressive sanctification darling god has brought you home to grow me up and it has been one of the most blessed but most humiliating times in my life because I having to learn where my heart is before I say something Now I may be the only parent that deals with that so I just sharing a little bit about me Maybe no other parent in the world has ever had to deal with that But if by chance you have, let God unfold your heart, because when it's more about your children irritating you than you serving them, God is trying to show you something. And you know what? he may not let them change until you change.

Because ultimately the problem is not your children. The problem is your own heart. Because you can't control the outcome of your children, now can you? You can control the input, but the outcome is in the hand of God and the heart of your child. And so whatever's happening on the inside, this is an opportunity for you to grow and change. Let's talk a little bit about number five as we close for tonight.

In an effort to be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, our words need to be wholesome when we do speak. Ephesians 4.29 says what? Let no unwholesome what? Word proceed out of your mouth, but only that is good for edification according to the need of the moment that it may give grace to those who hear. We've got to be the kind of people, when we speak, we are investing in the lives of people.

We need to be assets, not liabilities. We need to be commodities in people's lives to where our words are golden. Because what we say, even though it may be painful at times, it's the best for them. Let's close out by looking at some of these things together, shall we? Letter A, the words that are spoken should not be unwholesome. What does that mean?

Words that tear down or bypasses the issues or tunes in on a person's character to be critical instead of caring. The words that are spoken should be edifying. Words that build up and tune in on the real issues. Words that build bridges to godly connecting and spiritual growth. The words that are spoken should not be unnecessary or useless words that are for the advancement of the speaker's personal agenda The words that are spoken should be words that are needed necessary or useful for the moment to the benefit of the person Lastly the words that are spoken should not render accusations but minister grace Words that are kind, helpful, and show goodwill regardless of what is being shared.

Moral matters, preference matters, wisdom matters, conscience matters. It doesn't matter. My challenge to you, ladies and gentlemen, check your agenda for when you speak. Have God's goal in mind, not your personal glory or personal advancement, but God's glory in mind. Stories told of this woman who was going to the post office and she would get her stamps every other day at the post office.

And as she was going every other day to get her stamps, she was waiting in line for this one special person that she met with every week. and as she was waiting in line another person said ma'am you don't have to wait in line for your stamps there's a machine over there that you can go and you can get out of line and you can be out of here she said but ma'am that machine is not going to ask me how I'm doing that machine is not going to ask me about my doctor's appointment last week that machine is not going to ask me about my children so I'm going to wait right here to speak to that woman right there it's not just about transferring facts guys it's about connecting we need to make sure that our words are not divisive but our words are connecting and tomorrow night we'll begin to talk about as we look at the book of proverbs what's the difference between gossip and sharing and how do we know the difference let's pray together father in the name of jesus christ we thank you as you're showing us about ourselves where we need to be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. Lord, may you challenge us with our children. May you challenge us with our family.

May you challenge us with our friends. May you challenge us with our co-workers and our church members, Lord God. May you help us to begin to have the kind of words that reflect the condition of our hearts Not fake but sincerely our words are matching our hearts where we are the kind of people that bring the greatest glory to you. Lord, we ask this in Christ's name.

Amen. I've been thinking, you know what? I've got to glorify God more in the way I talk to people. I've really got to do some thinking and changing and asking for God's grace as I seek to minister to people, not just transfer facts and be the fool that just gives his opinion. I hope the Lord's working on you in the same way. Let's stand.

Let's stand. Lord God, we've not only learned in these last few days how to talk, we've learned how we ought to listen. We've learned that you're not glorified when we're just doing all the talking and not trying to know the person with whom we're trying to connect. We've learned, Father, that conversation is not about us, but it's about Your glory and how we can be an ambassador or a builder.

So help us now, Lord, not to think about how great all this has been, but help us to think about ourselves and the way that we talk. Help us to think about ourselves and the way we communicate to help other people. Father, help us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. We ask it in Jesus' name. Amen.