Developing Effective Communication Part 5

Well, it's my privilege to introduce our speaker tonight, and we anticipate his gentle and sweet words, but so biblically and Christ-centered that I think everybody would say amen to that. Amen. Now, a reminder that if you want this CD series, sign up in the back and give our guests a welcome goodbye after the service. So, come on, brother. Again, good evening to everybody.

Thank you for your hospitality. I have eaten more than I should. I have slept more than I have needed to, but it has been wonderful. And again, thank you for kindness and time spent, all the conversations and fellowship. This has been a great time, and I'm hoping that I can get my wife in this area. We're going to be in, was it Florence, Kentucky sometime in September, and I heard that's only like maybe three hours from here, So maybe we can come a little early and come fellowship a little bit.

But thank you. You guys have been very sweet. And I have enjoyed my time. And this is the kind of church, you know, I want to bring my church in. So I'm not trying to put any pressure on you, but this is what we need to look like in 30 years. So you guys are doing a wonderful, wonderful job.

And I praise God for you all. So why don't we open up in a word of prayer and let's dive into our last night together in looking at communication. Father God in heaven, we thank you again for another day. We thank you for the kindness that you keep showing us. And Lord, we ask that as we are seeking to learn how to best communicate your word, teach us when to be silent.

Teach us, Lord, how to articulate. And Lord, when we have to deal with others and we're not quite sure how, Help us to be careful about what we say to other people so that you are always glorified through our conversations. And Lord, would you forgive us of our sins, knowing that if we confess our sins, you promised that you would forgive them. Thank you now, Lord, we ask all this in Jesus' name.

Amen One of the things that I always had to deal with as a biblical counselor as a pastor as a teacher is someone has a problem with someone else and instead of talking to that person they want to come talk to me. And the only danger is that when Al has a problem with Carl but yet instead of Al going to Carl, Al goes to Betty, that creates problems because now Betty knows information about Carl that may be true but Betty's in the middle of something that he never should have been involved in because Al should have went directly to Carl but in the church we have those scenarios where Al has an issue and instead of going Al tends to talk to everybody else and everybody else talks to Al and then everyone knows the issue except for Carl himself and I don't know about you but I have seen times where that type of scenario starts to create all kinds of division and confusion because once the story is told the seventh time to the 20th person if you will it is now distorted from what it originally was I could remember where there was a rumor out true story that I had died now I still to this day don't know how that happened but apparently I had gotten sick one year, seven, eight years back, and it was pretty bad, and they rushed me to the hospital. But by the time the word got around to everybody, I had died at the hospital.

But again, gossip travels quicker than truth. Good news is always slow to get to people, but bad news tends to be there very quick. Have you noticed that? even if you watch the news what is most sensationalized you know even if it doesn't happen yet it's like oh something bad is about to happen and it may happen and it's going to be really really big stay tuned at seven for this one you know it hadn't happened yet but it still could happen you know and it's almost like they're thriving you know i've seen uh times when the weather is presented and in houston it's we're just hurricanes and floods is our issue in houston and it's almost like the weathermen get excited when a hurricane may come and I'm thinking you guys are excited that a hurricane may come it's like oh hurricane is on its way it could be massive and I thinking guys and then they get sad Well it just kind of gone down to a tropical storm And it may I thinking shouldn you be excited Hey, it's down to a tropical storm.

We're going to be okay. People, unfortunately, love gossip and mess more than truth. How do we know? what are the number one things on the television shows or tv reality tv and what do they promote on reality tv gossip you know i was really going to talk to john but you know john is really just really a weak man and i don't know if i really care for john and then oh hey john how are you and you're going my goodness all of this backstabbing talking about but not talking to the person which is where we see a lot of times this concept of venting now i say all of this because we need to have from a biblical perspective a big picture of when it comes to having a issue with someone what should be the code of conduct for christians if there's a problem with someone in the church and you're having an issue with them should you go and talk to everyone else and then to that person?

So what should we do when Al talks to Betty about Carl? Well, before we approach that, I want us to look at a couple of passages together of what scriptures inform us that needs to be the pattern. And from this pattern, we're going to begin to put together some practice. Look with me at Matthew chapter 5 for a moment. Matthew chapter 5. I want us to look at verse 23 to verse 24.

Matthew 5, again, verse 23 to verse 24. It says, therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, go and call all your friends and complain and fuss and cuss. Is that, that's not in your Bible? Oh, I'm sorry. That's it. You have something different in your Bible than that? okay maybe you have leave your offering there before the altar and go first be reconciled to your brother and then come and present your offering notice if someone has a problem with me or i think there an issue this text says I need to go to that person not anybody else that person directly But now, let's go to our more famous passage, Matthew 18. let's look at just it from a surface perspective because i'm sure being here you have heard experienced and seen this a million times matthew 18 notice these words verse 15 if your brother sins go and tell on the mountain everybody what he did is that what it says go and show him his fault in private if he listens to you you have won your brother verse 16 but if he does not listen to you take one or two more with you so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed Now, here's what that means.

I want you to get the idea of this. I have a problem with Tim, or Pastor Tim, I should say. And I go to Pastor Tim and say, hey, man, look, this, I saw you do some things and biblical this isn't right and I'm concerned. And Tim says, you know what? Let me tell you where to go and how you can get there. brother you sure you want yes and and and how dare you approach me about this okay so then i go to yance and i go to levi i say hey guys um got a situation i don't want to tell you everything because then that may poison you against the person and i'm not trying to win an audience but i need you to come and confirm some facts so could you come with me to evaluate this situation without giving all the details so I'm not trying to play the hero I asked them to come and so we come and then we sit down and they sit with me and I say hey brother Tim I'm bringing these two gentlemen here with me because they don't know what happened but I wanted them to come and witness because we're not working this out and I need them to confirm you know this disagreement hey like I told you I'll tell them you can go here you can go here and by the way you two can go there too.

And they come back and go, oh, okay, we see this. So then we bring it to the church leadership and say, Hey guys, I have these two guys, they came with me. There is a serious situation. They can confirm that what I've said is true. And so they were there. And then we take it to the leadership.

The leadership comes with the confirmation, comes back. He says, like I told you and you and you and you, guess what, all of you. Okay, so then it comes before the body. But notice, it started with what person? Me and the individual. it didn't start with me talking to everybody else about the person God has a plan for how we need to deal with issues between one another and when you go and tell everybody about the situation without first talking to the person you can cloud the judgment because you may not have all the facts together now we're going to discuss a little bit later how do you handle it in counseling when you're trying to figure out what to do with the person and you don't know how to talk to them and we're going to talk about ways that you can do that without assassinating someone else's character but the first primary standard is if I have a problem with you I need to come directly to you so with that being said what do we do when Al talks to Betty about Carl I think I want to try to picture it this way.

Can I get three volunteers? Okay, come on up. Can I get two more volunteers? Just two people. I need a, come on, come on up if you would. Come on up.

Come on up. One more person. Can I get one more person? Don't worry, I won't be, I won't hurt you. Come on up, man. Come on up.

All right. I hate to make one of you Betty, so let me not do that. Let me get a girl. Can I get a girl? big one or small one come on up sweetie pie your work just I'm sorry I don't want to make you Betty I don't want to be thinking about that years from now going to pastor made me Betty and I was wondering and I had issues you know blaming on me or whatnot all right so this is Al this is Betty this is Carl okay raise your hand Carl raise your hand Betty raise your hand Al Okay All right So now just so you can see it real clear Al has a problem with Carl okay But because Al is not going to talk to Carl Al first wants to talk to Betty So, walk on over there to Betty, all right?

So now you're going to tell Betty all this stuff about Carl, and she has no idea what you're talking about, okay? The first thing that Al should do, because he is wrong, is to first say, Lord, forgive me. I never should have gone to Betty about Carl. Okay, so let me put this down. The first thing is confess your unloving actions and attitude to God as sin.

That's number one. Because he just involved Betty in something that Betty had no business knowing about or being involved in. Does everybody follow that? So step number one, confess your unloving attitude and actions to God is sin, approach Carl about Carl's fault at the appropriate time. So, first step, apologize to Betty. All right.

So, apologize to God. Okay, there you go. All right. Now, go have a little talk with Carl. And then, let me read this, number two, at the appropriate time acknowledge your wrong to Betty for having spoken of Carl's faults and even share that you've spoken to Carl about it without giving the details. So let's go backwards.

Come on over here for a minute if you would, Al. So Al goes over here, talks to Betty for a moment. Shouldn't have said what he said. First thing is, Lord, please have mercy. I should not have done this. Ask your forgiveness.

Betty, forgive me for involving you in something I shouldn't have involved you in. hey let me come talk to you Carl. All right does everybody catch that? All right can we give them a hand clap? All right you guys have a seat. So let's build on that and keep that in mind. Keep Al, keep Betty, keep Carl in your mind but I want you to think about this.

That simple practice for Al is important because sometimes we want to talk about people instead of lovingly talking to people and if I love you and if my goal is your restoration not your destruction not your device or your demise then my love for you should lead me to want to talk to you Well, you say, can you give me a chapter and verse? Boy, you guys can never get off this Bible stuff. Okay, what about Galatians 6 verse 1?

What does it say? if any man is caught in sin, you who are spiritual, go and restore such a one. Now, let's go back in that verse for a moment. I'm sorry, Galatians 6.2. Galatians 6.2. If any man is caught in sin, you who are spiritual. What does he mean by saying you who are spiritual?

He is referring to the fruit of the Spirit. If any man is caught in sin, you who are walking by love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, faith, temperance, you go to that individual and you restore them. Why? Because you're going to have the right mentality, you're going to have the right attitude, you're going to have the right focus. And so if my problem is that I'm concerned about you and your sin, not irritated with you and your sin, then I won't go tell everybody about what you did.

I'm going to lovingly come to you first because my goal is not to destroy you, but to lovingly restore you if God allows. Does that make sense to you? But it says in the verse also, be careful lest you too may be tempted. And let me explain to you what that means. If I approach a person who has an anger problem, what do you think they're going to respond to me in?

Why am I surprised? Okay. If I approach someone who has a deception problem, how are they going to respond to me more than likely with a lie why am i surprised so the bible says we have to be careful and prepared because generally if i approach you about the problem you're going to respond to me according to the problem i approached you about i'm not stubborn if you say so but that reaction reveals and what we do is we get so shocked when that happens So, when we pull this together, Al's problem is that his love for his brother was weak and his problem with his brother was too strong.

If we want to do it right, Al should not have gone to Betty. He should have went straight to Carl Is everybody with me so far Now let go to the second person What if I Betty Raise your hand Betty or pretend Betty All right there pretend Betty All right you're pretend Betty. Here comes Al. Al is coming to you, and Al has got an issue with Carl, and as soon as he comes and starts talking about Carl, this is the first thing you need to do. whoa can y'all do that with me whoa you put the hand up you got to be real dramatic with it put your hand up whoa okay al have you talked to carl about this if you want to stop gossip that's the have you talked to carl about this let's talk about this together number one if you're better you should number one at the appropriate time encourage al to speak with Carl while you give Carl the benefit of the doubt.

Now let's talk about that for a moment. Here comes Al. He's coming to me. I'm Betty. And he wants to talk about Carl. And I have to say, whoa, have you talked to Carl about this?

Why should I give Carl the benefit of the doubt? Let's think about that. Any idea why I should give Carl the benefit of the doubt? We don't know if Al is telling the truth now, do we? We're only getting one side of the story. And remember, we'll see in Scripture, whoever tells the story first is always the hero.

And it's never as clean cut as they tend to make it. And so Betty needs to give Carl the benefit of the doubt because we don't know that Al's story is completely accurate. So if we pull it together, the first thing again is at the appropriate time, encourage Al to speak to Carl while you give Carl the benefit of the doubt. But secondly, Betty is not to mention the conversation to Carl because in doing so, she will be talking about Al behind Al's back and exposing Al's sin at the same time.

So imagine, here is Al talking to Betty and Betty saying, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Really? Really? Is that what happened? And then as soon as Al leaves, she calls Carl and said, Carl, guess what Al has been saying about you? What just happened now?

Betty is now gossiping on whom? Al. And that just keeps the circle of confusion, disorder, and every evil thing going. So, she's not to mention the conversation, but number three is to give Al a time frame. by which he should speak with Carl and hold him accountable to do it. Now, let me show you what that looks like if we get practical. Here comes Al.

Al is coming to Betty, huffing and puffing, whatever's going on. Al begins to immediately start to talk about Carl. Betty says, whoa, have you talked to Carl about this, Al? You haven't talked to him? Well, I'll tell you what, I think we should stop here and you should go talk to Carl. Now, by the way, let's pray about it, and how much time do you need in preparation to go talk to Carl?

So I'm going to give you two weeks, and if you've not done this in two weeks, I'm going to call Carl and inform him that he needs to come talk to you. Now, I'm not going to tell him anything you said, but I'm going to say, hey, you need to talk with Al. He needs to speak with you about something. Do you think that would keep people from bringing mess to you if you did that?

See, if Betty were to do that, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, have you talked to Carl? You should go talk to Carl. Why don't we pray about it, and I'm going to hold you accountable, okay? And how much? Five, okay, five days, and I'm going to check with you, and if you haven't talked to him by then, I'm going to call him and say, hey, you need to go talk to Al.

I used to have a pastor that when anybody would call to complain about another parishioner, he would say, hold on, sweetheart, hold on, hold on. And he'd click the three-wheel over and say, okay, now here she is on the phone. What was it you were about to say about her? no one ever brought mess or gossip you do not want to be a garbage can garbage cans hold trash mess you must let people know i am not a person who entertains garbage and mess i'm a person who wants to love god and his truth so if you've not talked to carl you need to talk to him.

Now I can help you work through some other issues, but we're not going to sit here and have a bashing party about Carl. Many biblical counseling sessions tend to be one person sharing all the garbage about another individual and never dealing with themselves. And the counselor and the counselee have a discussion about someone, what needs to happen with a person who's not even there And when that happens how is that helping the person who came for counseling It not is it So we got to be careful even in just general discussion if there a problem So, if I'm Al, let's go back.

Al should first confess his sins. He should go approach, ask Betty's forgiveness, go approach Carl, then let Betty know he took care of it. If you're Betty, what do you do? What's the first thing? Whoa. okay have you talked to Carl about this you should go talk to Carl and let's put a time frame on it I will be praying for you and if it does not work out come back I'll be one of the witnesses that can go with you now what if you're Carl you have no idea but all of a sudden maybe you're in the church one day and you walk by and you see Al talking to Betty and you hear your name about three or four times come out and you go well that's strange and you hear him say it but you see this look on al's face like there's a problem well if you're al i'm sorry if you're carl speak with al to resolve the problem as much as it depends on you seek peace with al bring others into the matter if it cannot be resolved with you and al now there's a way carl all of you carl that you could talk to Al that could bring clarity and peace, and there's a way that can be confusing and bring more problems.

Now, Carl, you go to Al this way. You talking about me? You've been talking about me? You got a problem with me? If you got a problem with me, you come talk to me, okay? Is that seeking peace with all men?

Okay. Let me encourage you another approach. Al are we okay is there something between us that I'm not aware of and if so can we talk about it now which one do you think is a better approach you got a problem with me you next time you come talk to me or are we okay is there something between us can we talk a gentle answer turns away wrath i remember i was just starting a church or working at a church and i was working with this other pastor and this woman came in and i said hey mrs so how are you I kid you not this is what she did Now I not a smart man but when someone rolls their eyes at you when you say hello does that kind of suggest that they may have a problem with you?

I could be wrong but would you think that they may have a problem with you? So I didn't want to make an assumption so I went to the woman I said hello ma'am are we okay I said I get the sense that something has happened between us and I'm not sure what it is and whatever I've done I'd like to make amends can can we talk about it well in bible study the other night you were teaching and I felt like you were picking on me holy spirit how do i lovingly work this one out i said well can you tell me what you mean well you said that illustration and i just felt like you were trying to tell me something personally through that illustration i said ma'am i can assure you i wouldn't spend 15 hours in preparation just to talk about you i would call you directly that would save me a lot of time of study I said but you need to know that that's not the kind of person I am is it perhaps that maybe God is using his word to unfold some things to you because I personally wouldn't do that to you you don't know me well enough yet to realize that but I think in time you'll recognize if there's a concern I have I'll come talk to you now here's what I was saying in my mind how self-centered can you be do you think that I would study for 20 30 hours just so I could talk about you my goodness but I had to not go with what was in my head I had to be repenting in my mind while I was talking lovingly to the person okay does that make sense so I'm dealing with the wrong attitude up here while I'm trying to be kind on the outside and God was that's that spirit and flesh wrestling there and I'm trying to make because I'm thinking to myself you've got to be kidding me how full of yourself can you be to think that that would be my intention and that my whole world revolves around saying something to you. But isn't that how many people think that life revolves around them And they take everything so personal And you have to be very careful very sensitive and deal with your own attitudes towards it So let go back for a moment If I Al and I go to Betty Lord forgive me because I've brought Betty into something I shouldn't have brought her into.

Betty forgive me because I should not have gotten you involved in this. Hey Carl, I need to share some concerns I have with you. If I am Betty, as soon as Al comes, whoa, Al, have you talked to Carl about this? I think you should talk to Carl about this. Let me give you some time to pray about it and prepare, but if you don't do it by this time, I'm going to let Carl know that you need to talk to him.

I'm not going to tell him what you said to me but I'm going to tell them to come talk to you. If you are Carl you approach Al. Al is there something between us? Are we okay? Can we talk? Is there something that we need to discuss?

You know can we resolve this together? Now everybody in this room has been Al, has been Betty, has been Carl. and so as we start to explore this together my challenge to you this week as we start to dive in a little bit deeper into this how have you handled it when you were out how many people know stuff about other people or carl that they shouldn't know because you needed to vent and by the way that wasn't a need that was just a self-serving agenda and now poor betty knows more about carl and she doesn't know if it's true or not but when she sees carl she's got all this stuff in her mind because you felt the need to call her and to tell her all of this garbage that was unnecessary. And Betty, for you, it should have been, wait a minute, I don't need to know what you're saying.

But let's be honest, isn't it juicy? It's just good and juicy, isn't it? Really, what else happened? And then what happened? It's almost like when you get to popcorn now, And then what does she do? Wow, really?

Okay, I'm not going to tell anybody. But what else? Give me some more. Because in our flesh, there's nothing like some good juicy stuff. And we have to resist the flesh as Betty and say, you know what? This is not information.

I need to know you need to talk to Carl and if I'm Carl if I want to show love to my brother even if I think there could be a problem and there may not be just out of a loving intent because I want to keep the unity of the body of Christ if I think there's a hint of division my love should override by fear because perfect love casts out fear that I seek to go forward to make sure things are okay you want to split a church you want to be divisive you want to keep a church in this unity you talk about people instead of two people and you will have so much confusion disorder and every evil thing. So you and I together, we've got to be committed to loving one another in this assembly and abroad to where we say to ourselves, if I've got a problem with someone, I'm going to talk to that one. Now, exception to the rule, when is it okay for me to go talk to someone about someone that there's an issue with?

Because isn't that what counseling is all about at times? People have problems with other people and they want to come talk and counsel. How do we balance between a gossip session and a counseling session? I want you to look with me and let's look at number four together because I want us to walk this through. What are some of the ways I can talk to someone about my problem with someone else without gossiping or condemning the person with whom I have a problem?

I want to suggest to you a few ways that you can do this and ways that you can help people do this. When I am in a counseling session and someone begins to just tell me about someone else and they want to go into details about the negative character flaws of that individual, I start to act like Betty and say, wait a minute, let's shift this around. You know, I know there's a lot going on, and I can't imagine what you're going through, and I don't know what it feels like, and I can't pretend, but I want to serve you.

But I don't think it's fair that you unload about this person and that person isn here to defend themselves and I sure you wouldn want them to do that to you So then I begin to flip the script to say well tell me this What is it that you think God is trying to teach you about God in this situation And what do you think God's trying to teach you about you in this situation? Now notice what I'm doing. I'm slowly turning it from being about the gossip of the other person to that person learning about themselves.

Because here's what we know. If we get very biblical, I cannot control what you think. Is that true? Remember we talked about that. I cannot control what you want. I cannot control what you will.

Those are yours. I can't control what you feel. So I cannot blame you for the condition of what's happening inside of me. So for me to berate and talk about how bad you are, that's not the reason why I am where I am. When it comes to you, I am where I am with you because of how I'm choosing to respond and the agenda I have with you. Let me see if I can put it to you a different way.

Anybody in here drink tea? Any tea drinkers? Now, notice when you put tea in the water, the tea bag, what does the water do with the tea bag? Brings it out, is that right? Now, does the water determine the flavor of the tea bag or does it just bring out what's already in there? it just brings out what's in there right so it doesn't determine the flavor it just brings out what's in there people and circumstances are the water and you are the tea bag and all god is doing in his sovereignty is using circumstances and people not to make you who you are but to expose who you are but we think that the character flaws of other people are the reasons why we are acting and doing what we're doing, but they don't have the power.

They're just a mere tool in the sovereign hand of God to unfold for us our attitudes, our words, our agendas, all of those things. Now, if you and I understand that up front, then we understand that for you to come to counseling and to begin to tell me all the character flaws about someone else is really not the issue. But the real issue is how you're choosing to think about it, how you're choosing to react to it, and your agenda in the process.

And God is using that stubborn person or that mean person or that rebellious person or that unlikable person as a instrument to reveal you so that you can begin to make adjustments in your own character Once you understand that you can help people see I don't need to know all the glorious details of how bad this person is. What I need to know is how you've been responding because that is the real issue at hand. Does that make sense to you? so as a person is coming in and we want to help them to move from gossip to sharing to help them work through the things letter a here's how we help them and here's what we want to do when we want to get counsel on how to deal with someone and not berate the person that we're wanting to deal with letter a share your concerns with wise counsel without being malicious towards the person with whom you have the problem.

Share your concerns with wise counsel without being malicious towards the person with whom you have a problem. I want you to see this idea, if you would, by turning to 1 Peter chapter 3 verse 8 to verse 12. 1 Peter chapter 3 verse 8 to verse 12. very powerful here we're not going to go all the way to verse 12 we're going to stop around actually verse 10 notice first peter 3 starting at verse 8 for context to sum up all of you be harmonious sympathetic brotherly kind-hearted and humble in spirit not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead, for you recall for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.

For the one who desires life to love and to see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit. You know what would be good when someone wants to sit down to talk to you about an issue? Start there. Before you begin to tell me the story about whatever you're going through, I want you to read this verse. I want you to think about what you're about to say.

Because the goal is not to fix the person with whom you have a problem. The goal is to learn how God wants you to handle yourself with this person with whom you have a problem Does everybody follow the logic here Here the second thing you want to do in the process so that you not condemning or gossiping but trying to share your concerns Number two share your concerns with wise counsel without vilifying the person with whom you have a problem but seeking to gain knowledge in the matter. And you know how we vilify people.

When life is reduced to what you want and what you need, and think about what I'm about to say when life is reduced to what you want and what you need people are a help or a hindrance because they're just a means to your end and so they're okay with you as long as they do what you want they're not okay when they don't do what you want and so if that is your way of thinking when you approach counseling or when you approach a situation you're only coming because you want to vent about how bad this person is and what makes them bad is because they're not giving you your way. But notice how they become very sweet when they give you what you want. It's almost like I was with a couple one time and he was talking about how stupid his wife was.

But she was only stupid when she didn't give him his way. She was very intelligent when he got his way. I said, you know what, sir? It's amazing how intelligent your wife becomes in a matter of 30 seconds. so your view of her is always based around your own personal agenda that that amazes me so she's just the means to an end she's not someone to love she's just someone you've been using because your life is too small and so your conversation is not about how do i deal with me your conversation is about how do we fix her and i can't indulge in that because she's not here to defend herself, but ultimately it reveals your true agenda right now.

And then I'll show them the teabag theology, as I like to call it. Your wife is just a water. You're the teabag. And you, sir, are on display. So we want to make sure that we're not trying to vilify people as we want to share our concerns. Thirdly, share your concerns with wise counsel.

I'm sorry, let's do this uh i want you to see that proverb turn to proverbs chapter 11 proverbs chapter 11 verse number 19 proverbs 11 verse i'm sorry verse number nine these are words that we should say now before we start talking I want you to read these verses to me, and let's keep these verses in mind before you want to have a discussion with me about anybody that you have a concern about. Notice what this verse says. With his mouth the godless man destroys his neighbor, but through the knowledge the righteous will be delivered.

Look at that again. With his mouth the godless man destroys his neighbor. but through knowledge the righteous will be delivered imagine before you start to sit down to talk with someone you start reading these verses to say now whatever you're about to tell me about this situation these are things i need you to keep in mind so that we can deal with the issue not assassinate the character of another individual let's take a look at the third thing together letter c share your concerns with wise counsel without making yourself the hero or the victim in the matter knowing that there's always two sides to every story i am always concerned when somebody wants to come talk to me about another individual and they're not willing to have that person present because in my perspective whoever talks to me first is always the hero now let me show you where I get that from. I want you to look again as you're looking in Proverbs.

Turn to Proverbs chapter 18 verse 17. Proverbs 18 verse 17. Notice what he says in this passage. The first to plead his case seems right until another comes and examines him. isn't that something basically whoever tells the story first is the hero stay around the same book and go to chapter 10 verse 32 proverbs chapter 10 verse 32 he says the lips of the righteous bring forth what is acceptable but the mouth of the wicked what is perverted a pastor friend of mine shared a story about a friend of his who was at a garage sale and this man at the garage sale just happened to be a pastor and so he was fumbling around looking for some things and a woman noticed that he was the pastor of a church in the area She said hey you the pastor of that so church He said yes ma I am She said well I want you to see my arms You see these bruises on my arms?

My husband was trying to abuse me and I need you to come down here and talk to him. See these bruises on my arms? You need to go talk to him, sir. So the pastor put the stuff down. he went down the street he said ma'am can you tell me what you know two blocks down just two blocks right here so he went to the door knocked on the door this big old guy comes to the door you're the pastor down at that church aren't you yes sir I am let me guess my wife called you down here yes sir she did did she show you the bruises on her arms yes sir well did she tell you she had a gun in one hand and a knife in the other hand and I was trying to keep her from shooting and stabbing me.

Whoever tells the story first is always the hero. You've got to be careful of just hearing one side of any story. Because as soon as you start to take sides, you may miss the bigger picture of helping that person deal with their character. And so when someone is sharing or when you're sharing. You need people in your life that will keep you from being gossipy about the person and help you deal with yourself.

Take a look at letter D. Share your concerns with wise counsel with the intent of learning how to be at peace with others. your goal should not be to vent about your situation your goal should be how do i repent in this situation your goal is not to destroy somebody but to restore somebody your goal is not to begin to cause confusion but to bring correction and you want wise counsel now the last one I want to take a little time to unfold to you and I want us to think about this and we're going to look at Matthew 7 together on this one letter e share your concerns with wise counsel with the intent of learning what you can do to change yourself within your role and responsibility instead of sharing your concerns with the intent of trying to figure out what you can do to fix or change the other person Now I want you to think about somebody that gets on your nerves, okay? Now, I don't want you to share them and I don't want you to talk about them, but I want you either to write it down somewhere or in your mind to think of five things that really gripes you about somebody else.

And what I mean by gripes, I mean this person can do anything but when they do blank, oh, it just irritates the bejesus out of you. It just gets on your nerves when they do blank. And just think about at least five things that other people do that just irritates the daylights out of you. You got those things in your mind? You thinking about them? Okay, here's the message.

It takes one to know one. the very things that gripes you about other people are the very things that god is trying to help you to deal with in your life but the problem is you've been ignoring it but you keep seeing it in everybody else but you miss it in yourself you know that person that irritates you because they're so stubborn why does that bother you so much because it takes one to know one that person that always doesn't listen they just want to keep running their mouth why does that bother you so much because it takes one to know one. I remember sharing this one time at a class as I was teaching in biblical counseling and this man said, sir, that's not true. I said, why do you say that?

He says, because I'm always on time and it irritates me when people are not on time. So how does that apply? I said, well, what you're picking up on is that person's hard attitude of being inconsiderate and you're very inconsiderate of other people in other areas. You know, you're right. I said, so you may not have had the same behavior, but you have the same heart attitude, and you picked up on it.

Another guy says, no, prof, I don't believe that. That's not true. You know, my son is very lazy, and I'm sorry, prof, I've just got to say this, and he made a big dramatic thing. My son is lazy, and as long as it takes, I'm going to help him get through his laziness. I said, just like you, sir, whom you haven't turned in your assignment on time for the last three weeks so why don't you help your son by demonstrating being on time and doing what it's asked for not when you feel like it and you can help your son Another guy Pastor we got a problem in this classroom This person is trying to control this classroom and here's what you need to do about it.

Y'all catch that? So let me get this straight. There's a controller in the classroom and you have a concern about it and you want to tell me how I need to handle it. I wonder why that bothers you so much that he's a controller. another person came to me pastor we had a problem I mean we really got a problem because there's this woman in my group and all she does she just talks and talks and talks and she just goes on and on and on and she never knows when to be quiet and I just don't know what to do about it because every time she's up she's going on and on and on and she never really shuts up and she just keeps talking and talking and talking and I don't know what to do about it I said really I wonder why that bothers you so much see what we don't realize guys is that the very things that gripe us about other people are the things that God is trying to show us about ourselves.

You say, okay, chapter and verse. Man, you are so biblical. You guys kill me with this Bible stuff. Okay, let's look at some Bible verses. Before we look at Matthew 7, let's go to Romans 2 for a moment. Guys, you're so biblical.

You kill me with this. What are y'all, a Bible church or something? All right, Romans chapter 2. Let's look at verse 1. The way the word judge is used in the context here, is used in the context of condemning someone. Notice what he says in Romans 2.1.

He says, therefore, you have no excuse, every one of you who passes judgment, for in that you judge another, you condemn yourselves. For you who judge, practice the same things. See, the things that gripe you, that just irritate you about other people that you want to vent about because they're just getting on your nerves because how stubborn can they be?

How prideful and how arrogant are they? Why does that bother you so much? Because it takes one to know one. Matthew 7, what does he say in Matthew 7? Let's go there for just a moment. Are y'all understanding where I'm going with this?

And as we start to understand and sharing our concerns, these are things that we need to understand. Is this griping me? And if so, what is God trying to show me about myself? Now, when the Bible talks about Judd, There are two contexts for judge, and you hear a lot of unbelievers say, you can't what? Judge me. They love to use that when you start talking about sin, okay?

But they don't mind judging you about everything else, right? But I got bad passion, let me be quiet. All right, so when you pull it together, there are two ways the word judge is used. In one context, judge means to condemn and put down, okay? In another context, the word judge in 1 Corinthians 5 means to call out that which is right, according to someone.

And so the Bible gives us the authority as Christians to judge one another, mean to call sin, sin, to call a person out, but not in an ungodly mean manner, but according to love. That's what happened in 1 Corinthians chapter 5. But in Matthew 7, when Jesus is saying, do not judge, he's saying do not have a critical condemning spirit in relationship to someone else.

And that's where you will find the things in your life that you're not dealing with are the areas in other people's lives that you're very hyper critical and condemning. And so Romans 2.1 in Matthew 7 is saying, hey, these are the things that you need to deal with and because you're not dealing with it, man, do you see it in everybody else and ignore it in yourself, and boy, does it get on your nerves. So much so, you want to call somebody to talk about how stubborn and mean that person is, when in actuality, they're bothering you because you're looking at yourself.

Look at Matthew chapter 7, verse 1, he says, do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the very way you judge you will be judged by your standard of measure will be measured to you now notice what jesus says why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye but do not notice the log that's in your own eye what's the difference between a speck and a log can you tell me now let me show you what he's really saying why do you look at the speck of stubbornness in your friend but miss the log of stubbornness in you? Why do you look at the speck of anger in your friend but miss the log of anger in you?

Why do you look at the speck of arrogance in them excuse me and miss the log in you Notice the next part Or how can you say to your brother excuse me let me take the speck out of your eye and behold, the log is in your own eye. You what? First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will clearly see how to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Isn't that interesting? What makes them a hypocrite is not wanting to help. what makes them a hypocrite is not dealing with themselves first if this is such an issue why don't you deal with it in you first oh i know why because you're not paying attention to you you're consuming with them and so you've come to counseling so that we can fix them because boy they're getting on your nerves i remember sitting in premarital counseling and this lady said you know what my husband-to-be's mother really irritates me I said oh this is about to be good I said really yes can you tell me what is it about her that bothers you so much oh Number one, she always has to be right. She always has to be in control.

And she thinks the whole world revolves around her. Now, what did that young lady just reveal to me about herself? Guess what we discovered in the middle of counseling? It takes one to know one. And that hypercriticism was revealing areas of her heart and character that God had been trying to get her to pay attention to. and to look at. Another chapter and verse, you guys are killing me with this.

Okay, what about the Old Testament and Nathan with David? Do you remember that story? You guys remember that? You remember when he was telling David about the story, and it says David burned with anger? David, why does that bother you so much? because it takes one to know one. I can remember in my life, I was having problems with one of my children, and I was laying in the bed with my wife, and I said, you know, that daughter of yours, she is really stubborn Man she stubborn and she really starting to get on my nerves with the stubbornness You need to do something about this And my wife as gracious as she could she rolled over and said honey I wonder why that bothering you so much I hate it when she's right.

And you know what happened? As I started to deal with my own stubbornness and see my own heart, I had so much patience when it came to my daughter. I could work with it because as I was dealing with it and had worked it through, it's amazing how it didn't bother me at the level it had before. And it's not that she had changed that much. I was dealing with me.

You see, a lot of times when we're going in to gripe about someone else, God is trying to show us our own selves. So you saw that list that you mentioned about what irritates you? Got a secret for you. You know what it is? takes one to no one imagine if i went out with paul and we were just sitting around the dinner table we were out eating somewhere and i said paul do you see that guy over there he is so prideful i can't believe how prideful he is now what paul should ask me is you know what nick out of all the people in the room you're the only one that noticed that no one else picked on up on that but you and why does that bother you so much that he's prideful see if we do that we help people to understand that's not the problem it's you how many of you are old enough to remember jimmy swagger anybody that's wrong remember jimmy Swaggart?

How many of you remember Jim Baker? For those who don't remember, Jim Baker, famous evangelist, he was caught in immoral lifestyle with his secretary. And as soon as he was caught, Jimmy Swaggart had a public statement saying, oh, this is an abomination to the Lord. He needs to step down from the pulpit. This is just terrible. How could a man if God be caught in blah, blah, blah, blah.

And six months later, guess what they caught him in? The exact same thing. I'm always interested at the things that people are the most irritated about, that they grumble and complain about the most Because what they showing me as a counselor as a pastor as a teacher areas of their lives that they chosen to ignore As people come to us ladies and gentlemen we want to help them as they begin to berate someone else and to become hypercritical and we want to stop them in their tracks.

We also want to pay attention on one hand to say, wow, you are teaching me something about the areas of your life that need to be addressed. Does that make sense to you? Can you start to see the things that God has been trying to get your attention about for so long? Now, before I leave this, and you go, please leave it, but I'm going to stay here just a minute.

I promise I'm going to leave it. I want you to consider this from a philosophical perspective. The very thing that we get upset about with other people are the very things that we practice ourselves. For instance, when you are angry with someone, what you're really saying is, you're not thinking about me right now as much as I'm thinking about me right now.

Think about it. When you're angry with someone, why are you angry with them? They're not considering who? You. They're not thinking about you in that moment as much as you're thinking about you. But here's what's the contradiction.

They're doing the very same thing you're doing. Who are they thinking about? Themselves. But that's different because it's not who? You. Can you see the walking contradiction philosophically?

We are angry at people for doing the very same things that we are doing in that moment. I remember a man coming home from work. he called me he said pastor I'm very upset with my wife I said okay well what's going on can you believe this man I said well tell me she had my food ready for me when I got home okay did you say she had your food ready for you yes so what's the problem well she didn't heat it up she she put it in this saran wrap and then put it in the microwave but it wasn't heated when I got home. I said, man, how long have you been married?

Two years. I said, okay, okay. I said, son, let me see if I can get this straight. You're upset with your wife because she didn't think about you at the level that you thought she should, as you were thinking about yourself. Is that correct? Before he answered, he thought about it.

Well, no, I'm not saying that, but really you are. Think about it, because she didn't do what you thought she should do at the level you thought, so you're upset with her because she wasn't as full of you as you are of yourself right now. and here's the secret no one will ever be as full of you as you are of you they can never catch up with how full of yourself you are they'll never win that is why the bible calls us to get over ourselves and get under the mighty hand of god he didn't like that conversation but can you see the philosophical issue there I want you to be as full of me as I am of me and I'm upset with you when you don't think about me as much as I think about me and I want to go call somebody on the phone I want to call Paul or somebody so I can tell them how bad you were in my life really so what are you really saying about you your relationship with God and your relationship with others and how do we keep you from gossiping and help you to begin to see the true issue is not the person that you think is so bad. God is using them as water.

It's really about your own heart condition and what God wants you to change. Okay, I'm moving on. You want me to stay around a little bit longer? All right, let's close out by looking at number five. How should I talk to the person with whom I have a problem. So how should I approach someone that the issue is about?

If I shouldn't talk about them how should I go towards them Number one before addressing a matter one must make sure that it is clear factual objective evidence of clear sin not speculation opinion hearsay or gossip When I approach you about a matter, I need to make sure that it's clear sin and not a personal preference. Not something I don't like, but something that God defines as sin. Because if not, it becomes a nitpicky issue.

Because you're not thinking my way or doing it my way, I'm going to confront you. That's not loving. I'm to confront you about clear sin. Luke 17 3 says, if your brother sins, not if your brother doesn't do it your way, if your brother sins, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him. And so I need to make sure that the issue I have with you is clear sin, not just my personal little, I like it this way and you're not doing it my way. so I need to tell you about yourself.

God is helping us to learn that the world doesn't revolve around our idiosyncrasies and personal preferences. It's bigger than us. Letter B, after determining that the matter is a sin, after dealing with self, one must confront the person about clear sin with the intent to restore them, not with the intent to destroy them. That's the Galatians 2. If any man is caught in sin, you who are spiritual, go and restore the person.

Letter C, if the person refuses to confess and repent of sin, bring witnesses to address it so that two or three witnesses can attest to the facts of the matter. A man should not seek to indict another without at least two or three witnesses to confirm the facts of the matter. Now you know why that's important? How many people have been put in jail, killed or sent to prison for life because of a false witness.

And no one could confirm the facts, but because of the opinion polls and everybody ideas it probably true so therefore you guilty It is important that if we got an issue with someone that the facts need to be there Here's the third thing, or the fourth thing. If the person refuses to confess and repent of the sin with the witnesses, take it to the leadership of the church so that they can address it along with two or three witnesses who can attest to the validity of the charges against the unrepentant. and then lastly if the person refuse refuses to confess and repent of the sin with the leadership of the church the leadership must remove the person from that local body of christ so that they can not cause any more damage to the body and in hopes that the person would experience the pain of sin leading to confession repentance and restoration to that local body of christ we must be careful not to talk about people but to talk to people we must be careful that if we have a problem with someone that we seek wise counsel not to have a gossip session but to really evaluate what is God trying to teach us about God what is God trying to teach us about ourselves so that we can begin to adjust, to grow and change, to be like Christ in the situation, and then if we've dealt properly with ourselves and there's clear sin at hand, we out of love now because we've dealt with our own issues can approach the person in a loving manner not to ridicule or to put down, but to reach out to restore because we care. If we don't have that mentality, we will find ourselves being divisive we will find ourselves backbiting and we'll find ourselves destroying each other not operating in god communication my challenge to you as we close out this series make sure that you are using your words to love not to destroy Because God has a ministry for you and I.

It's called the ministry of reconciliation, and that's going to take our tongues. It's called the ministry of building up one another to maturity in Christ, that's going to take our tongues. and we've got to guard it we've got to cultivate proper thinking we've got to deal with sin properly so that we can be ministers of grace instruments in the redeemer's hand to god's glory let me put it to you to a way an old pastor told it to me this way he said we want to live in such a way that God is glorified, the devil is horrified, and saints are edified. Isn't that beautiful?

God is glorified, the devil horrified, and saints edify because of our lifestyle and how we choose to love one another. Let that be for us, starting with our minds, then moving to our mouths, and then our manner of life. Let that be us. And all of God's children said, amen. All right, let's close out in a word of prayer. Father, we thank you for helping us to think through communication.

Please, Father, forgive us where we've made it all about ourselves. Please, Father, forgive us where we have been mean in our conversations about other people. Please, Lord, forgive us where we have not seen that what we can't stand in other people are the very things that you're trying to deal in our lives and lord help us to begin to make the proper adjustments and make no more excuses but make confessions and begin to turn to you that we may be transformed and be vessels of honor we ask this in christ's name amen