Parenting With A Purpose: Session 1

Well, I want to welcome you to our 23rd Annual Bible Conference. It's a privilege to introduce our speakers today, Randy and Cindy. They've done these parenting seminars in many places, and so we're looking forward to their help and the hope they're going to give us as they speak to us about parenting. Now, I've known Randy since 1986 when I went out to Lafayette.

Many of you know that story. I went to faith for my counseling training in the summer of 1986, and Randy was one of the pastors there who would come. He was pastoring a church in Fort Wayne. He would come down to Lafayette every Monday, and he would counsel, teach, and then we would be able to watch him, learn from him, and so forth. The thing I remember about the classroom study was this.

We would start at 9 in the morning, have three hours of lecture, then from 12 to 1 during lunch we would have case studies. And we had case study books and we had to do two cases every week. And so, you know, you'd be looking at that and you wouldn't know what to do. And so sometimes you'd just say, I'll wait till class. and I wouldn't fill any of that in.

I wouldn't write anything. And then what you tried to do is never make eye contact with the teacher, right? And I'll never forget the day Randy said, okay, everybody take your casebook and open them up to the case we're doing today. So we'd open it up and he says, all right, take your books and hold them up. Guess what? we worked real hard after that Randy is a mentor I learned much from him and have over many years now he's a friend he's also been my boss when he was the executive director of NANC and I would go to the counseling discipleship training weekends he was my boss then and also Cindy was the one who arranged all that travel so I would often times leave here on Friday fly somewhere teach for two days and then come back and not miss any Sundays And I always appreciated that about them But it's good to have Randy here and Cindy, and I'm anticipating great blessings as they minister to us.

Randy? Well, thank you, Brother Tim, and good morning, everybody. Thank you for coming. I'm sure on this beautiful weekend you could have found some other things to do. In fact, I was telling Cindy that I've been looking forward to coming to LaRue for decades because whether you know it or not, this church has influenced our lives for literally decades because one of our former pastors was Kimber Kaufman, who served here.

And, of course, Dale and Shaw and his wife were members of College Park Church in Indianapolis where they're serving. So I've heard lots of LaRue stories. And then I've met Tim, and he has lots of really neat LaRue stories that have made me want to come. And as we were driving in yesterday, I told Cindy, I said, you know, I've had such high views of LaRue Baptist Church.

And I said, it's even higher. I mean, any congregation that can order 60-degree weather for a parenting conference in February, I mean, these are some kind of people who walk with God. I mean, they've got power. And so I just really salute you for that. Tim's been a highly respected friend ever since we got acquainted back there in 1986. I've just really grown to love and appreciate him.

And I'm so glad that he became an ACBC fellow and is now supervising others. I just want to commend you for being the kind of church that frees him to be able to minister at our counseling discipleship training events around the nation. And your church, through your pastor, has had a wonderful ministry of equipping other Christians around the nation and how to use the scriptures to minister to others.

And we just had such a great time last night with Tim and Becca. It's great for us to be here. I want you to meet my wife Cindy and the mother of my children and she'll be Participating in the training here along the way Tim mentioned that we had the privilege of doing some parenting conferences in some other places Let me tell you what happened and kind of the impact that Cindy had We did a conference a little bit like this in in Torrance California this past summer and it was all day a Saturday conference and then on Sunday during what we would think of as the Sunday school hour they had announced that that would be a Q&A time about the parenting conference, and so the pastor that morning welcomed everybody and said, we're glad that we had a good parenting conference the day before, and he says, this hour is Q&A, and he said, I've already had several of you tell me that you have questions for Cindy, so we'll have prayer.

And he said, prayed, and he said, God help us. And they said, Cindy, here's the microphone for the Q&A time. And I think that's what's going to happen here too. If you have easy questions, I'm going to be teaching the scriptures. If you have easy questions on how that works out in life, I'll be glad to help you. If you have hard questions, that's why Cindy is here, so you want to seek her out, and she'll help you during the break times.

Just a few housekeeping matters quickly. I'm going to try my best to stick with the schedule that's published in your very nice handout that Sharon has prepared for us. She did a great job on this. And if you would help us in getting back in here after the fellowship times, I know the food refreshments are going to be tremendous, but if you can kind of help us in staying on time, we'd really appreciate that.

Also, there's four tables out there with resources on it that are available for purchase, and I'll be recommending some as we go along. and in the back corner there's a table. We call it the set-aside table. So if you see a book that you want, you can just take it, and then there's some bright green post-it notes back there, and you can just write your name on it and put it on the set-aside table, and then at the conclusion of the day or even tomorrow if you wanted, you can come by and we'll be able to receive your payment.

Pam will be back there helping with that, and we can receive a visa or master card, cash or check. And so there'll be some things that can help you. And some of you may want to look at some things and consider how they might be used as gifts for people that you care about. Okay, with that in mind, and as we get ready to jump into the scriptures, thinking about parenting with purpose, I'd like to lead us in prayer.

Would you bow with me, please? Now, Father, we want to dedicate the day to you. And I ask that as we study your word that you would help me to speak clearly and precisely in a way that truly equipping and edifying Help Cindy and me as we answer questions and as she illustrates how these things work out in life And I pray that our fellowship would be pleasing and honoring to you and that each of us would hunger and thirst for righteousness and that regardless of where we are in life, that we would be thinking more clearly about how to influence the next generation for the cause of Christ.

And it's in his name that I pray. Amen. All right, open your Bibles, please, or open your notes and find the section of our notes. And I want to begin by just talking to you about the challenges of parenting in today's culture. And to kind of set the stage, I'd like you to take your Bible and turn with me to 2 Timothy 3. 2 Timothy 3 and kind of lay a theological groundwork for the beginning of our study.

Look with me at 2 Timothy 3, and particularly verses 1 to 5. The scripture says, realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. How many of you think we might be living in the last days? Well, some of you. and even those of you that didn't raise your hands you'd have to at least agree when you were 2,000 years closer to the last days than when Paul wrote this right well in the following verses he describes what last day culture is going to be like notice verses one to five realize this that in the last days difficult times will come for men will be lovers of self lovers of money boastful arrogant revilers disobedient to parents ungrateful unholy unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness although they have denied its power.

So that summarizes what culture is going to be like in the last days. And here's what I'd like you to think about as we consider the challenges to parenting in our culture. Culture, in effect, is going in this direction and is marked by what we've just read in 2 Timothy chapter 3 verses 1 to 5. The challenge to parenting is you're trying to raise children or influence grandchildren who in effect are going to go this way.

We're trying to raise children who are counter-cultural. And over and over again in so many ways, we'll find ourselves trying to point our children toward thinking and acting in a way that is absolutely contradictory to what our culture is doing. Now if you just focus on what's happening in our culture and you just focus on those five verses, you might be led to the conclusion that some Christian couples have come to where they would say that it would be unloving to willfully bring a child into the world to live in this kind of a culture.

Personally, I think that's a wrong conclusion but there are some who've concluded that well we don't want to pay attention just to verses one to five you want to pay attention to the verses at the end of the chapter which provide tremendous encouragement for parents look at verses 14 through the end of the chapter paul told timothy you however continue on the things that you have learned and become convinced of knowing from whom that you have learned them and that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. So Paul told Timothy at a day and time when culture was definitely anti-God and it was a pagan wicked culture in which to try to raise children Paul told Timothy remember what your mother and your grandmother taught you about the scriptures. Timothy is one of several notable Bible characters who was raised in a single parent home.

And God said to him, pay attention to what your mother and your grandmother taught you, and then follow the verses that most of you have underlined in your Bible, probably many of you have memorized. Verses 16 and 17 says, all scripture is inspired by God and it's profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work. Now a lot of times we turn to that passage of scripture when we're discipling a new believer and we're wanting to teach them that the Bible is the word of God.

When it says it's inspired, that means God breathed out. And so we can say that this book is God's word. And that's very applicable. What I want you to think about in light of our study today is this. Notice what the Bible says about itself. The Bible says about itself that it's profitable, that it's helpful in four key areas and I want you to think about those in relationship to parenting.

There is tremendous encouragement here for parents or for parents who want to be someday by God grace First of all the Bible says it is good it profitable for teaching or some of your versions might say for doctrine What that means is when it comes to the subject of parenting, the Bible will get you headed in the right direction on how to think about the subject of parenting. But more than that, the Bible is good for reproof. The word reproof means more than the Bible will tell us that we're wrong, it will do that. but the Bible will bring us to the point where we will admit that some of our approaches to parenting are unbiblical.

And as we go through the day and we study the scriptures together, I'm hoping that there will be some times where you'll be alert, okay, I need to make some modifications in my parenting because the way I've been thinking, the way I've been handling my children in some areas is more worldly than I thought it was, and I need to make some changes. You become aware of where you need to change. The Bible is good for reproof.

It means to the Bible bring us to the point where we will admit we are wrong. But look at the third thing the Bible says is good for. It says it's good for correction. I love this one. The root word means the Bible's good to make to stand up again that which has been knocked down. And as a biblical counselor, one of the things that I've observed is oftentimes what brings people in for counseling is that they are knocked down in parent-child relationships. the way they're approaching parent-child relationships isn't working and sometimes our sinful thinking sinful behavior on the parents part the child's part whatever leads to great heartache in families and in effect we're knocked down in life but the bible is good to take people who are knocked down in parent-child relationships and to help you to stand up again for god's honor and for god's glory but look at the next part the bible says it's good for training in righteousness What that means is the Bible will teach us how to discipline our thinking and our behavior as parents so that we can live the future of our lives differently than we have the past of our lives.

And for those of you that are here who are struggling in key areas, and maybe you've come to this conference just because many of you are thinking, man, I've got to get some answers somewhere. Here's the good news. The Bible is good for training in righteousness. In other words, if you'll think about what the Bible says about how you ought to think, if you'll be willing to own where the Bible says your thinking and behavior is not what it ought to be, if you'll follow the biblical principles for correcting the way, the Bible will teach you how to discipline your thinking discipline your behavior so that the future of your life as a parent as a child as a grandparent can be different than the past of your life And that means that there is tremendous hope for those who are parenting today.

And maybe for some of you who have grown up in sad circumstances, and some of you maybe who have never seen a good parent-child relationship. You've never seen a family really work. Let me just say to you, there is tremendous hope for you. Because just because you've been raised in a situation that was sad, that violated the scriptures, that wasn't anything approaching to what the Bible describes as a godly home, that doesn't mean you are doomed to do that if you will listen to the scriptures and follow it.

There is great hope for parenting today. now in my mind Ephesians chapter 6 verse 4 is the single most helpful verse in the New Testament on the subject of parenting and I want you to to turn to that passage you may want to put a marker there because we'll be turning to some other parts of the scripture but we're going to keep coming back to Ephesians chapter 6 verse 4 and as we begin I'd like to just take a moment I I cannot teach on the subject of parenting without just pausing to give God honor and glory for how his principles have been so helpful to Cindy and me. We had the good fortune shortly after we were married to join a church that had an annual family month. And the whole month was devoted to teaching on husband-wife relationships, parent-child relationships, and just the family and different aspects.

And so we had the beneficiaries, we were the beneficiaries of being taught the scriptures on parenting before we ever had children. And it helped us to kind of get headed in the right direction. And through the examples of our parents and the churches we'd grown up in, we'd had, it was added to that. And of course, as our children came along, we had a lot to learn.

But the point is, we were really helped by at least getting headed in the right direction in a general way on the subject of parenting. Tremendously, tremendously helpful. Now, God has blessed Cindy and me with two children, Jim and Becky, and they each have chosen to follow Christ as their Savior and Lord, and fortunately, each of them has chosen to marry mates who love the Lord Jesus Christ and they trying to raise their children in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord and trying to be biblical parents And Cindy and I are now at that wonderful stage of life where as grandparents, we have the privilege of helping to mold and influence the next generation for Christ.

And it's a wonderful, wonderful phase. We love to talk about our children and our grandchildren. At any of the breaks, we've got plenty of pictures, just ask. All right. And it's a wonderful time. Cindy and I were both individually.

Oops, I did something here. There we go. Cindy and I were both influenced in a very positive way by one of our grandparents. And so we realize that grandparents can have a very strategic role. And as we go through the study today, there'll be multiple times I will be talking not just to parents, but to grandparents. And one of the best things that grandparents can do to help their children who are trying to raise godly children is to understand the biblical philosophy of parenting and can come along and help join in that process.

So Cindy and I are very, very grateful for God's grace in our lives and the fact that we have children who love the Lord, who are seeking to follow him today. We view it as just God's grace in our life. We made lots of mistakes along the way, but we were trying to be biblical. And God blessed that effort and has given grace. So we love teaching on this subject because we have experienced the benefits of trying to do what the Bible says, admitting where you're off the path, using biblical principles to kind of clean up the messes that unbiblical thinking behavior has caused, and trying to discipline yourself to live the future of your life more biblically than you have the past of your life.

We hope that happens with you folks today. Now, look at Ephesians chapter 6, verse 4. In my opinion, this is the most helpful, single most helpful verse in the New Testament on the subject of parenting. And if I were king, I'm not, and I know I'm not, but if I were king, you could not have dessert again until you memorize this verse. All right? I mean, get it underlined, meditate on it, and I urge you to think about memorizing it so you can call it to mind anytime you want to.

The scripture says, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. And I'm going to use that key verse and we're going to kind of take it apart phrase by phrase and use those various phrases to help me. guide our thinking on this important subject. So the first phrase is fathers. Let's talk about that one.

The Bible teaches that the children are primarily dad's responsibility. The children are primarily dad's responsibility. The headship of the husband is a key Bible doctrine. For example, in Ephesians 5, 23, the Bible says the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body. Further, the Bible teaches that God holds fathers primarily responsible for what happens with the children.

God holds fathers primarily responsible. We see that illustrated in 1 Samuel chapter 2 verse 12 where the scripture says, now the sons of Eli were worthless men. They did not know the Lord. Now in my mind, this is one of the saddest verses in the Bible. Eli was an Old Testament equivalent of what we would think of today as somebody in vocational Christian ministry.

He's like a pastor. And think about that. The scripture says that the sons of Eli were worthless men. And then almost to explain that is that they didn't know the Lord. I mean, think about somebody being in vocational Christian ministry, being paid to kind of help other people learn about God and so forth. And yet your own children didn't know the Lord and didn't choose to follow him. the point I want you to see is that God holds fathers primarily responsible for what happens with the children.

In chapter 3 of 1 Samuel, the scripture says this, The Lord said to Samuel, who was an intern serving under Eli, The Lord said to Samuel, Behold, I'm about to do a thing in Israel at which both ears of everyone who hears it will tingle. In that day I will carry out against Eli all that I've spoken concerning his house from beginning to end. For I have told him that I'm about to judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew, because his sons brought a curse on themselves, and he did not rebuke them.

I mean, he couldn't make his sons do what was right, but he could rebuke them for doing what was wrong. And he didn't. And God held him primarily responsible. That means Dad that we need to view all other people involved in the life of your children as your assistant You cannot blame others for the failures of your children Now get your blanks filled in there and then ponder those two statements for just a moment And think of it this way.

One of the things that I remember back when Cindy and I, before we ever had children, and we're in this church that had the annual family month, one of the things that one of the speakers taught one year was this, as he was talking on parenting. He said that it's wise for dads to think about their role with the children in business terminology. So he said basically what he taught us was that I was to view my position in the family as I am the president and CEO of Patton Incorporated.

And what we do at Patton Inc. is we're trying to produce Disciples of Jesus Christ. all right children they're going to become disciples of the lord jesus christ and then he said now but think about if you're the president ceo of a company i mean you can't do everything by yourself i mean you need help and the first thing you need is i mean you need a really good executive vp well fortunately for me i had married a wonderful executive vp and i would just say from the human perspective the fact that we have children who love the lord and are seeking to follow in his ways is due, from the human perspective, is due far more to my wife's influence and insight into parenting than it is to mine, which just goes to show what a great job I did in hiring an executive VP, right? But if you're the president and CEO, even if you have a good executive VP, you can't do it by yourself. You need help.

And so as our children came along, Cindy and I were thinking about this, and we wanted, our goal was to raise children that They're going to be long-term disciples of Jesus Christ. Part of what we said is we were asking God, help us to raise champions for Christ. Okay? But, man, you can't do that by yourself. So we both had been influenced by our grandparents.

So we went and had sit-down meetings with both sets of our parents and said to them, as Jim was coming along, our goal is to raise children that are going to be champions for Christ. They're going to be long-term disciples of Christ. And we want you to help us. and we understand those grandparents you may have some different rules and you may treat them in some different ways than than we are but join us in pointing them toward christ and join us and pointing them toward a life of biblical obedience but our grandparents live hours or days away from us at that point so we went to people in our church who were years ahead of us in the parenting and responsibilities and who seemed to be doing well And we interviewed them, interviewed them.

We asked for insights and we invited them to speak into our lives, to warn us if they think we're doing something wrong or to admonish us. And we invited them to speak into the lives of our children. And in effect, as the president and CEO, I took responsibility for trying to build as many people around my children who are pointing them toward Christ and toward a life of biblical obedience as I could.

One of the ways that worked out for me, that way of thinking worked out for me, is as our children entered into the school ages, I made it a point to try to attend the parent-teacher conferences. And I cannot tell you how many teachers expressed surprise that both a dad and mother showed up for a parenting conference. And I remember one teacher one time said, Mr.

Patton, I'm so glad you're here, but I've got to tell you, this is surprising. I said, I seldom see the fathers coming. I'm just curious, I know you come to these meetings. Why are you doing that? And my response to her was, well, from my understanding of my responsibilities, I'm the one most responsible for my children, and I'm trying to build a team around them. in my mind, you're working for me.

So I came to check up and see today how we're doing. So part of it is, dads are primarily responsible. That means you don't do everything. But it means you are the one who is primarily responsible and is the president and CEO of your company, your house, your family. Your job is to build as many people around them. And one of the great joys of being a part of a Bible-believing, preaching, teaching church like this one is, You should have Sunday school teachers, youth leaders, friends.

I mean, you've got people who, by being a part of an active part of a church like this, you have almost a built-in team to help you. But I encourage you, not look just to the church, but to others. All right, let's move on. Number four in your outline. One of the qualifications for spiritual leadership is whether or not a man manages well his own household.

1 Timothy 3, when it talks about the qualifications for a pastor, says he must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity. 1 Timothy 3 speaking of deacons says let deacons be husbands of only one wife and good managers of their children and their own households Now notice one of the qualifications for spiritual leadership is not that you have to have perfect children. I mean, if that's the qualification, we're all done.

I mean, we're all unemployed as spiritual leaders, all right? The issue is, do you manage well? I mean, go back to the business model again. If you're operating a business and somebody wants to say, okay, is it being managed well? Well, how would you know that? Well, there are a lot of different ways.

You could say, okay, are they doing what they're supposed to be doing? What's morale like among the people? What's the customer satisfaction like? And so forth. One of the ways to determine whether or not a place is being run well is to ask this question. What happens when things go wrong?

Because inevitably, things are going to go wrong. Is it managed well? and things are going to go wrong with children. And the issue is not do you have perfect children is, but what happens when things go wrong? Are those handled well? So we're not looking for people in spiritual leadership who have perfect children. We're looking for people in spiritual leadership who, when their children mess up, they handle it according to biblical terms.

They manage it properly. Now, a key principle of fathering is to be there. And I want to mention three areas, and in my counseling experience, these are three key areas where I found valuable to probe, and these are areas where fathers tend to be weak in our culture. First of all, you need to be there physically. Be there physically. Being there physically with your children is a greater challenge today, for those of you that are raising children today, than it was for me when I was raising children 20, 30 years ago.

The reason is, over that time period, we've all become familiar with the phrase leaner and meaner. The average man who has a full-time job today is working more hours than the average man who had a full-time job 20 or 30 years ago. And that's just the way, in our economy, that's just the way it is. In addition to that, most of us have longer commute times. and I know my life would be simpler if just everybody in Indianapolis just got out of my way and let me get to where I want to go but that's not the way it is so the challenge of being there for you Physically is a greater challenge, but men, we've got to face that.

And here's one of the things that I've learned in counseling. Fathers tend to grossly overestimate how much time they spend with their children. In other words, dads think they spend a whole lot more time with the kids than they actually do. And one of the homework assignments that I've learned to give fathers early in counseling is to keep a log, a detailed log of how much time they spend with each children or with the children as a group, and to keep a very detailed log about that.

And men who do that typically come back the next week hanging their head because they found out they spend about a third to a half as much time with their kids as they think they do. And one of the things, again, just in a general observation, rule of thumb observation, is if I can get a dad to start spending more time with his kids, typically things in the family start improving. It doesn't solve all the problems.

But typically, if I can get a dad to start spending more time with the children, things begin moving in a better direction. Now, not only is it important that a dad spend time with the children physically, but a dad needs to be there mentally. Or the way I would put it is, I mean, dad, you need to have your heads in the game. So when a dad tells me, yes, I was with the kids, and let's say the children are three and five, and I would say, okay, when you were with the kids, Were you on the floor where they were?

Did you have the remote control in hand? Did you have your phone? Did you check email? And if the answer to any of those questions, you know, if he's not on the floor with the kids, apart from the electronics, then typically, okay, your bod was in the room, but you weren't engaged mentally. I mean, you've got to engage with the children at whatever point they are.

Here's a third one. You need to be there emotionally. Over the years, as I've done a few thousand hours of biblical counseling, one of the biggest things that has stood out to me is I get to know people in session one, and I'm asking about their background, and people tell me about their growing up years. I have been stunned over the years by the number of people who told me, I never remember my dad telling me he was proud of me.

I never remember my dad telling me he loved me And when I talking to adults and they mentioning that frequently there a catch in their voice or you see their eyes starting to water up And I may be talking to people who are 30, 40, 50, 60 years old, but there is still a pain when they say, I can't remember a dad telling me he was proud of me or a dad that loved me. Their dad wasn't there emotionally. And I'm wanting to exhort the men today that part of being there means you're not just physically there, not just on the floor with them if they're young ones or engaged with them mentally, but that you be there emotionally, that you express love to them.

Let me illustrate the importance of that this way. My dad was a World War II veteran and is still living, by the way, 92, 93 years old. And for all my life now since I've been an adult when I go back home what typically happens especially years ago when my parents were in better health my mother would greet us at the door as I pull in unload the suitcase we'd start walking in or something and mom would start talking right away and she'd be saying something like I've been praying for you I've been looking for us hoping he's going to get here an hour earlier or something and when I go in the house set my suitcase down I'll go over and hug my mom and she will hug me tell me how much she loves me she's so excited that we're here.

I've been looking for you. And after a few things like that, she starts announcing the good news. I made sticky rolls for breakfast tomorrow morning. I got cherry pie for lunch tomorrow. And she starts rolling out all these things that she knows are special to me and to my family. When I let loose of my mother, I go to greet my dad, and as I walk up to my dad, he does this, and wants to shake hands with me.

And I will tell you, I'm not proud about this, but there was a time period a while back where that really bothered me. And one time I'd gone home, went through the whole routine with mom, I go to greet my dad, and he sticks out his hand, and I just stopped and said, dad I'm not a visitor at church I'm your son my name's Randy then I went over shook his hand and then I hugged him now I had several people tell me that their dads who are about the same generation as my dad have told me yeah that just like my dad too Now, the reason I've told you that is because what I want to say to you is this. If I hadn't married Cindy, I would be just like him. and one of the good things that has happened in my life as a result of marrying Cindy is that Cindy has helped me to grow I think in that way emotionally and Cindy has said to me in the early years of our marriage when we're learning to live with each other and then when the kids started coming along she said to me, she said Randy you can be fully masculine and have emotions that go beyond anger and one of the things that helped me to grow in this area was having a precious little baby boy i mean how can you not love on him and kiss him and then to have a daughter come along and being a parent and learning to express love to those children and learning to be comfortable saying, I love you, I'm proud of you, and doing that not just when they're an infant, but when they're an adolescent, and doing that when they're a teenager.

Maybe even when they're a teenager and don't necessarily want you doing it, especially in public, you know. And now then as adults, when they're coming home from college, and then doing the same with their spouses. And by God's grace, and largely through Cindy's influence, we have become kind of what I would call a kissy-face, huggy-bear type family.

And I've become comfortable expressing emotion to my children and affirming them publicly. In fact, it's interesting, when my kids got married, my daughter Becky married Charles, whose dad pretty much, the way he would describe him, is kind of like maybe my dad and how he related to him, to Charles. And so as Charles started coming into our family, I mean, the first time I went and hugged Charles, I mean, he's like, you know, what's going on here?

And a while back, they'd been over at the house, and they're getting ready to go, so we're doing all of our hugs and kisses and telling them we love them and everything. And something I already said goodbye to Becky and everything but something came up real quick we had to discuss it and that was done my bet Becky just turned and left but I hadn said goodbye to Charles yet and I noticed he was still there, so I went over and hugged him and told him I loved him, and they left. And afterwards, Cindy said to me, she said, do you notice what just happened?

She said, you know, we were all saying goodbye, and both of us had said goodbye to Becky and hugged her and everything, and when we're done, she just left after that discussion. But she said, you know, Charles waited for you to come hug you. And I want to say, I want to encourage all the men here, purpose that you're going to be the kind of father that is there physically, that's there mentally, and that's there emotionally.

And if you haven't been there, that kind, then that's one of the areas where you can begin changing and growing by God's honor and grace. Just acknowledge it. Hey, it's one of the things I learned. I'm going to try to grow in this area. Be patient with me. Now, here's something that illustrates the importance of fathers.

Did you know that 24 million children in the United States live in a fatherless home? Think about that. Forty percent of the students in grades 1 to 12 come from homes with no biological father. Seventy-one percent of teenage pregnant mothers have no father in the home. Seventy-one percent of high school dropouts have no father present. and a child is four times more likely to live in poverty if there is no dad in the home.

Fathers, you are really important in the life of your children. So I want to encourage you, President, CEO, step up. Now, mothers are to be involved. Exodus chapter 20, verse 12 says, Honor your father and mother that your days may be prolonged. Proverbs 1, 8 and 9 says, Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and do not forsake your mother's teaching.

Now, before we leave the subject of fathers, let me just change the tone for just a moment, okay? Here's the top ten things you'll never hear a father say. Can you turn up that music? It really calms my nerves. No, honey, sit this one out. I really can't wait to change that diaper.

Or number eight, want to watch synchronized swimming? Or number seven, waiter, more ice cream for the little one. Or here's one you'll never hear. Here, you take the remote control. Or you can't finish your peas? Go ahead and just throw them away.

Or, oh no, kids, this bike is too fast. Dad, never say that. Or go ahead and take my car, and here's 20 bucks for gas. Or number two, as a matter of fact, let's both go get nose rings. Or the number one thing you'll never hear a dad say, let's read the instructions first all right what's the single most helpful verse in the new testament on the subject of parenting well i got one person thank you ephesians chapter 6 verse 4 which says fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up on the discipline and the instruction of the lord Let's focus our attention for a bit on that phrase, do not provoke your children to anger.

This phrase, do not provoke your children to anger, does not mean that you never upset, annoy, oppose, anger, or cross a child. If that's what it means, we're all out of business. It doesn't mean that. We know that because 1 Samuel 3.13, where God is speaking about his judgment of Eli, God says, I've told him that I'm about to judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew because his sons brought a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them.

I mean, God expects us to do that. Also, Proverbs 22.15 says, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will remove it far from him. So God is expecting us to do things that a child won't particularly enjoy. So when the Bible says, Do not provoke your children to anger, what does it mean? Well, it does mean that we should not handle them in such a way that they will be incited to a wrathful kind of living and become angry young men and women.

We're not going to incite them to an angry way of living. Look in your notes at points A to D. The way this phrase is translated by various Bible scholars, the Amplified Bible puts it this way, fathers do not irritate and provoke your children to anger. Do not exasperate them to resentment. Or Hodges, a famous Bible commentator said, it means parents are not to excite the bad passions of their children nor by his own ill conduct nurture evil in the heart of his child Hendrickson another commentator said it means do not exasperate or embitter your children Do not provoke your children to an angry mood.

Colossians 321, a parallel passage, says fathers do not exasperate your children that they may not lose heart. The Amplified Bible translates that verse this way. fathers do not provoke or irritate or fret your children do not be hard on them or harass them lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated do not break their spirit point f in your notes or point e excuse me the warning is not about an incident of anger it's about a lifestyle of anger that's a key statement you may want to put a star beside that. When the Bible says, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, it's not talking about an incident of anger.

It's talking about a lifestyle of anger. The challenge that God is giving us is to avoid raising a child like the kind of person that's spoken about over and over again in Proverbs. For example, Proverbs 19, 19 talks about a man of great anger. Proverbs 22, 24 talks about a man given to anger. Proverbs 25, 28 talks about a man who has no control over his spirit.

And God is saying, don't raise a child like that. Think about it this way. If this is where a child is born, and down here is where a child leaves home, in most cases in our culture, somewhere between the ages of 18 and 22, what God is saying is, as you raise a child, don't turn out a child into the world whose default response to things not going the way he wants or not getting his way do not turn out a child whose default response not getting his way is anger all right that's what the scriptures are saying we're trying to avoid that it's not talking about an incident of anger it's talking about a lifestyle of anger now the bible speaks primarily about two different kinds of anger there's three different kinds of anger referred to in the scripture but one primarily excuse me two primarily first of all the Bible talks about flaring outbursts of rage or open rebellion or our hostility a flaring outburst of rage open rebellion or hostility this comes from the Greek word sumas and I can give you an easy way to remember that but I got to have your eyes first Look at me for just a moment Picture a volcano then picture the volcano while you say the Greek word Thoumas.

That's exactly what it is. Thoumas is where the energy generated by the anger goes outward toward others. And in our culture, we've got all kinds of phrases to talk about. We talk about people going ballistic, pitching a fit, ranting and raving, blowing their top, losing their cool, going ballistic, going postal, having a temper tantrum, you know, all those kind of phrases would describe what the Bible calls thumos, a flaring outburst of rage where the energy generated by the anger is going outward toward people or toward things.

Now, the Bible talks about another kind of anger, and that is settled indignation, the slow burn, the willingness to wait for revenge. This would also be apathy or stubbornness or indifference or withdrawal. It could be a subpar performance or moodiness or the silent treatment. And the Greek word for that is the Greek word orge. And here's how you can kind of help remember that one.

Think about the Greek word and then just say it with some expression. Orge. That's it. and with orgy the energy generated by the anger is turned inward and we have phrases talk about people who typically handle their anger that way we talk about people who seem to get up on the wrong side of the bed every day we talk people who seem to have a chip on their shoulder or we talk about people who are copping an attitude okay all of that would be captured by what the Bible describes as orgy.

Now, what I'd like you to do is grab your Bible, and I want to show you, I think, is a very helpful illustration of this. Turn with me to 1 Samuel 15. And I'd like you to point your attention to the first half of the verse. This is one of those verses that I've underlined, the first half of it in my Bible, and one I would encourage you to take note of and maybe meditate on this in the future.

1 Samuel 15, verse 23, the word of God says for rebellion is as the sin of divination and insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry Now when you think about the term rebellion when I think of that and again we at a parenting conference we're thinking about that. When I think about rebellion, I think about a child that's down here in the earlier years, and the parents have given them the child instructions, such as, Susie, pick up your toys, or the child's been told to do something. and one of the first words that most children learn to say is what? No.

All right. So when a child has been told to do something by a person in proper authority and that child says no, in effect what they have done, they won't do this physically, but in effect what they've done is they've raised their puny fist and rebellion is an in-your-face direct challenge to authority. That's what it is. In fact, I can't even talk about rebellion without clenching my fist.

I mean, rebellion, regardless of the age, is an in-your-face direct challenge to authority. All right? Now, look at 1 Samuel 15, 23. What does the Bible say? Rebellion is as the sin of divination. Some of you are using another version.

It says the what? Sin of? All you say witchcraft? Some say witchcraft. Now, think about that. God's word is saying in 1 Samuel 15, 23, that rebellion is as at the root level, there is a similarity between rebellion and witchcraft.

Now, I mention that to you because people that seem to have any type of Christian orientation know that we ought to avoid witchcraft. and most parents, regardless of their child's age, if they found out that their children had friends that were involved in witchcraft or something, I mean, they'd never let them go to that house again. I mean, if they found out that the child was in any way associated with witchcraft, I mean, they would be all over that. And yet, here's what I discover.

Many parents, particularly in these earlier years, I've had parents say to me, say, man, I just can't wait till we get out of the terrible tubes. Man, I'll tell you, this child is driving me crazy. And what goes through my mind is, you think you've got problems right now? What's that? Here's a phrase I'm going to use throughout the... Think about it.

Just add ten. Say that with me, would you? Just add ten. I mean, do you think you've got trouble with a two-year-old? You wait until you've got that same attitude in a twelve-year-old. And then you start finding out what life is, the challenge, what life is going to be like.

Yeah. Right? So the point is, rebellion is one form of anger. Now, look at 1 Samuel 15, 23 again. It says, an insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry. And insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry.

Now, with insubordination, I don't have a, I can't think of a particular physical stance that captures, but I think I can describe insubordination for you. Let me do it this way. There was a mother who had been out doing some shopping, and she comes back home, parks the car in the garage, walks into the house, walks through the family room, and as she looks in the family room, her 14-year-old daughter is laying on her stomach watching TV.

And the mother drops a not-so-subtle hint when she says, Sure, it would be nice to have some help unloading the car. And she goes in the kitchen, drops some things off, walks back out, and grabs some more things. And every time she walks through the family room, she says, Sure, it would be nice to have some help unloading the car. And no response from Susie laying on her stomach watching the TV.

And after three or four trips, the mother has unloaded everything. She gets into the kitchen. She's unpacking things. She's putting some things away, but she's also starting to get some things ready for dinner, multitasking the way you ladies seem to do so much better than we men seem to. And at one point she has some trash and she goes over to the closet door opens the closet door to put some things in the trash container but the trash is overflowing So she yells Susie come empty the trash I need it empty.

She goes back unloading some things, goes over to the trash again, and nothing's been done. So she yells at Susie again, Susie, get out here. And if you were watching, over the next several minutes, as the mothers continue to unpack getting dinner started, multiple times she's yelling at Susie to come empty the trash, Every time she speaks to her now, the volume's going up and the tone's getting sharper.

Until finally she goes to the doorway and in anger says, Susie, I told you, get out here and empty the trash. And Susie says, Mom, it's my favorite show. And she says, I don't care if it's your favorite show. Get out here and empty this right now. Well, Mom, at least wait until the commercial. No, I said get out here and do that now.

And there is this strong exchange until finally the volume and the tone has reached a level that Susie has figured out about time for me to do something. So Susie gets up and comes into the kitchen, talking under her breath loud enough that Mom knows she's saying something, but so soft that Mom can't hear exactly what she's saying, though Mom does have the impression she's not being praised right now. And Susie grabs the plastic bag, pulls it out of the container, some trash spills out, she just kicks that back into the closet, still mumbling under her breath, she goes out, and as she goes into the garage, she slams the door behind her That is insubordination Now look at your Bible 1 Samuel 15 23 insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry By the way folks think back now Back when Israel was doing what they were supposed to be doing when anybody got involved in witchcraft, what was the penalty for that?

Yeah, they stoned them. And when somebody got off worshiping a false god or involved in blatant sin, what was the penalty for that? Death. what I want you to understand is this both rebellion and insubordination in the Old Testament God says at the heart level they're just like witchcraft it's just like rebellion witchcraft it's just like the things that called for capital punishment in the Old Testament now some of you are thinking well you know we don't handle stuff today the way they did things back then.

Of course, some of you might be thinking, wonder if we can bring some of that stuff back, you know. Well, and some of you are wondering, okay, Randy, you know, the Old Testament is different than the New Testament. Does any of this show up in the New Testament? Well, yes, it does. Go back to the book of Ephesians. You got your marker there, don't you?

And you're in chapter 6. Well, back up a page in most of your Bibles, or two, look at Ephesians 4.31. Ephesians 4.31. There are six sins in verse 31 that God says to get rid of. He says, let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Six things God clearly identifies, get rid of all of these.

I want you to notice number two and number three in the list. Number two let all wrath That the Greek word thumos Thumos is the New Testament equivalent of what the Bible in the Old Testament calls rebellion Look at the third word in Ephesians 4 let all bitterness and wrath and anger. That's the Greek word orge. Orge is the New Testament equivalent of what the Old Testament called insubordination.

And the point I want to make is in the Old Testament as well as in the New Testament. God clearly says that these are behaviors that are not acceptable and are to be dealt with strongly. Here's a diagram that summarizes the two kinds of anger, and this is from a pamphlet that your church has available by J. Adams called What to Do When Anger Gets the Upper Hand, and it illustrates both Orge and both Thumos on the left and Orge on the right.

Okay, we're going to take our first break. Before we do, let me draw your attention to a couple of resources that are out there. If you are going to only buy, we've got lots of really helpful materials, but I would say if you could only buy one book, what would it be? I would say buy the book on the left called Strengthen Your Marriage by Wayne Mack. the longest chapter in the book is on the subject of parenting it is very very helpful i've been very helped by it the second longest chapter in the book is on communication which is a frequent issue in husband-wife relationships and there's several other books that will be helpful so enjoy your break and let me look here at our well-organized schedule we need you back in your seats at 10 45 we got to about 15 or 12 13 minutes enjoy your break