Parenting With A Purpose: Session 2

All righty, the single most helpful verse in the New Testament on the subject of parenting is what? That break seemed to help a couple of you, all right? Ephesians chapter 6 verse 4, which says, Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. And we finished talking about this phrase, do not provoke your children to anger, and I was explaining that the scripture is not talking about an incident of anger but about a lifestyle of anger.

So in your notes there's a section called How Do Parents Provoke to Anger? I'm going to talk about just the first three and the rest of the notes are filled out, there's no blanks, but I want to just emphasize these first three. One way that parents provoke to anger is through a lack of marital harmony. Through a lack of marital harmony. that provokes children to an angry, wrathful lifestyle.

I want to show you two passages of Scripture, and I'd like you to hold them side by side in your mind, if you could, for just a moment. Genesis 2, verse 24, talking about the very first marriage and the model marriage, says, For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. God expects there to be a leaving, a cleaving, a weaving, that there be oneness in marriage where a husband and wife would function as a team.

Now, hold that truth and then consider this verse. Hebrews 12, 15 says, see to it that no one comes short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble and by it many be defiled. When the Bible talks about bitterness, bitterness is nothing more than long-term anger. Or bitterness is unresolved anger that has had time to ferment.

And the scripture describes it as being hidden like a root, but under certain circumstances, all of a sudden it pops up. But when it pops up, many people are defiled. What I want you to think about is this. If you are a child or you were a child and you were born and raised in a home where there was not the leaving cleaving weaving that God intended but instead there was anger and periodic explosions from bitterness that manifested itself one of the people that gets defiled in those circumstances is the child And you can't do anything about it when you're the child, but you still are impacted by it.

Over the years, I've had the privilege of working with, doing a few thousand hours of biblical counseling, over half of it marital counseling. The next biggest group is in parent-child counseling, and I have seen this dynamic, this connection. Here's a note that was given to me by a mother of an 11-year-old daughter. This note was written by an 11-year-old child where the parents were regularly arguing and everything.

And I don't know how this happens exactly, but children in homes where there is arguing between the parents, somehow, someway, the children end up thinking it's their fault. All right? and is very, very frustrating, and it leads to an angry, wrathful lifestyle because you're all churned up about something, about people you care about, but you can't do anything about it. And it's illustrated in this note.

This mother handed me this note from her daughter. It said, Mom, I'm sorry. It's all my fault that you two are fighting. I love you. Susie. Here's what was on the back of the note.

I'll be in my room so you two don't have to fight. now growing up in that kind of an environment promotes an angry wrathful lifestyle and i would suggest that one of the greatest motivations for working on your marriage for maybe seeking counseling about your marriage is the impact that you're having on your kids and children are promoted to an angry wrathful lifestyle when there's not when there's a lack of marital harmony A second way that parents provoke their children to an angry, wrathful lifestyle is by establishing and maintaining a child-centered home. Someone has observed that in America today, if parents don't abort their children, they tend to worship them. And one of the ways that worshiping a child is manifested is that they establish a child-centered home.

Now if you'll look at the back of your packet, there's a dark blue sheet that Sharon has prepared for us. And here are the characteristics of a child home You may want to fill in the blanks as I go through it One of the ways that parents provoke an angry wrathful lifestyle on the part of a child is a child-centered home. And before we go through the characteristics, let me explain to you.

Here's the reason why. The more you feed the flesh, the more it wants. A child will never be satisfied. And you make them the focus of your home. The focus will never be big enough, bright enough, often enough, generous enough. All right, here are the characteristics of a child-centered home.

A child-centered home is one in which the children are allowed to interrupt adults when they are talking. A child-centered home is one where the child is allowed to use manipulation and rebellion to get his way. or where the child is allowed to dictate family schedule, including meals, bedtimes, and so forth. A child-centered home is one where the child takes precedence over the needs of the spouse or where the child is allowed to have an equal or overriding vote in decision-making matters.

A child-centered home is one where the child is allowed to demand excessive time and attention from the parents to the exclusion of the other biblical responsibilities of the parents. A child-centered home is one where the child is allowed to escape the consequences of their sinful and irresponsible behavior. They're allowed to escape the consequences of their sinful and irresponsible behavior.

A child-centered home is one where the child is allowed to speak to the parents as though they were peers. A child-centered home is where the child is allowed to be the dominant influence in the home. And finally, a child-centered home is one where the child is allowed to be entertained and coddled rather than disciplined out of a bad mood. Please note this passage of scripture.

Write it at the bottom of your notes there. Proverbs 29 15 the rod and reproof give wisdom but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother or you may write in Proverbs 29 verse 17 correct your son and he will give you comfort he will also delight your soul So one of the ways that parents provoke children to an angry wrathful lifestyle is by making the child the center of everything. This is counterintuitive to the fleshly thinking.

This is never what we need to think biblically. and um now a third way that parents provoke their children to an angry wrathful lifestyle is by modeling uh sinful anger by modeling sinful anger so if you go back in your notes to where we are in the the outline here's a couple of verses that I think are very very instructive and I would particularly encourage all of the unmarried young girls or young ladies to to get these verses underlined in your bible to memorize them and any of you who are fathers of daughters get these verses down. Proverbs 22 verses 24 and 25 says, do not associate with a man given to anger or go with a hot-tempered man lest you learn his ways and find a snare for yourself. Now what the passage is teaching is one of the ways we provoke our children to anger is by modeling sinful anger.

Proverbs 22, 24, and 25 teaches that an angry approach to life can be taught. It can be caught. And this is very, very important. In my comments to the young ladies, I said this is really, really important. One of the things that has surprised me over the years is the number of ladies who have been in one relationship after another where they were with men who physically mistreated them.

And I remember interviewing one lady in particular, asking her, okay, how is it that you've gone from one abusive relationship to another? And there are different reasons, but her conclusion was, if I had known the verse you're looking at on the screen right now, if I had known those two verses and would have paid attention to those two verses in the Bible, my whole life would have been different. Do not associate with a man given to anger.

Or go with a hot-tempered man, lest you learn his ways, and find a snare for yourself. Or think about this one. James 1.20 says, For the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Well, the rest of the notes are there, and I'm not going to take time to focus on them so that we can move ahead to the next part of our outline. Just a moment here.

Okay, our key verse is Ephesians chapter 6 verse 4 which says, Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. Let's focus our attention on this one. But bring them up. This is the Greek word ektrephati, to bring them up. It means to bring up means to nourish up to maturity, to nurture or to rear up.

To nourish up to maturity, to nurture or to rear up. This is the phrase, bring them up, is a translation of one Greek word. And the Greek word is put together in a precise form that communicates at least three key truths. First of all, it communicates the fact that children do not automatically grow up to be what God wants them to be. Children do not automatically grow up to be what God wants them to be.

In fact, the scripture says just the opposite will happen. Proverbs 22, 15 says, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will remove it far from him. Which means that children must be directed, they must be coached, they must be pointed toward Christ in a life of biblical obedience. Left to themselves, they're going to go away from God.

Children are sinners by nature and by choice. And they grow up just like we've grown up to be adults who are sinners by nature and by choice. unless we've been born again by the Spirit of God. Children do not automatically grow up to be what God wants them to be. They can be left to themselves on this Second bringing them up is a command from God which he expects us to obey It is the only option open to us as Christians This is very important because we are bombarded in our culture with so many views of parenting and depending on how tuned in you are to the TV or radio or social media or just the popular literature of the day, you can get so many voices telling you how to raise your children and how to influence them.

And many Christians find it confusing when they're trying to blend the advice from Dr. Phil or Oprah or the latest thing they read on the Internet with what the Scripture says. It's important we understand this is a command from God. this is the only option you have. You've got to be committed to bringing the child up. And then the scripture, the way this word is put together, it indicates that this is a task in which parents must be constantly involved and there's no time of day or night, no circumstantial situation or place that is off limits.

That is, once a child comes into your home, in a sense, you've signed up for a job that's going to last about 18 to 22 years. And you may delegate some of your responsibility at times to teachers or to Sunday school teachers or child care providers or grandparents and so forth, but basically it means that mentally you are in the game. You are on duty.

Let me mention just some places where I, it seems to me like where parents go off duty. In other words, where they quit thinking about their parenting responsibilities. I think one place is grandparents' home. One of the reasons why, I think one of the reasons why children, why some children tend to misbehave at grandparents' home is because the parents and the grandparents haven't clearly communicated to the children who is in charge when we're at grandma and grandpa's house.

In other words, if both dad and mom are there and grandma and grandpa's there, who's in charge? All right? And there's conflicting authority. There's fuzziness about authority. That's one area where I think sometimes as parents we tend to go off duty because, you know, we go to grandma and grandpa's and it's just fun being there and more relaxing and so forth.

And if we're not careful we'll let down and we'll forget, hey, I'm still on duty here. You know I the one who in charge I in somebody place but I in charge Another place I think is a church You know you come into a church you see friends it a great place to be you feel like your kids are safe and so forth And in many cases, it's almost like the minute people walk into the foyer of a church, I mean, like the whole family is scattered and the kids go running, and it's like the parents don't even think about what my kid's doing for the next two hours. And so it's easy if we're not careful.

I'm still on duty. I may be delegating it to a Sunday school teacher or a nursery worker, but I'm still on duty. I need to be alert. Where are my children at? What are they doing? And so forth.

A third place that I would mention is Walmart. I am convinced, at least at our Walmart, there has got to be some kind of electronic device that when parents walk in with their children, something unplugs them. A few years ago, I was in Walmart doing some shopping, and all of a sudden I heard this blood-curdling scream from a child. And in my mind, a display had fallen on this child, and he's screaming his last breath before he dies.

And I leave my cart. I go dashing over two or three aisles thinking I'm going to save this child's life, you know. And I get there, and there's no child on the floor with a display on top of him. There is a child in a cart being pushed by his mother, and he is screaming his lungs out because apparently the mother told him no about something. And she's going on like she's just ignoring him, like, you know, if I just ignore him, it's going to be quit being quiet.

And in his mind, if she's ignoring me, I just need to crank the volume up more. And it's just like she was totally unplugged. Everybody else in the store was aware of what's going on, but she was unplugged. Okay? I mean, the point is we've got to stay engaged in this matter of parenting our children. It's a task in which parents must be constantly involved.

Children do not automatically grow up to be what God wants them to be. It's a command we have to obey, and we must be constantly involved in this. Now, number three in our outline. The goal of parenting, then, is to lead our children to love Christ, to obey his word, and to function as independent adults who think and act biblically. Put simply, bringing a child up. the summary statement be, seek to make that child a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ.

The goal all discipline and instruction is to be goal not moment Now get your blanks filled in and then if I could have your eyes please for just a moment Let think about it this way Down here is where we have a child that's been born. What do you have when you're at the hospital and you're holding a brand-new infant? Well, some parents will say, okay, a dream realized.

Some would say a fantastic future. Some would say, you know, major changes in our family dynamics now and so forth. Some dads might say, lots of bills. What I want you to think about is this. When you're holding a precious new life, for our discussion right now, I want you to think about two characteristics. You have a precious life, and that child is a sinner by nature, and it won't take very long until they demonstrate they're a sinner by choice, too.

All right? The other thing I want you to think about as you're holding that precious infant is this. That child is totally self-centered. I mean, the child can be well-fed, burped. They can be dry and clean, being loved on, kissed on, and everything. And yet they'll still scream in anger.

Right? And something's not the way they want it to be. So here's what I want you to think about. One way of talking about the goal of parenting is, the goal of parenting is to take a child who's a sinner by nature, a sinner by choice, pretty soon, who's totally self-centered, dependent on other people for everything, and over the course of 18 to 22 years, God helping us. we want to point that child toward christ toward a life of biblical obedience and by god's grace in that child's life see that child choose christ and choose a life of biblical obedience so that as they get ready to leave our home this child has become a disciple of the lord jesus christ they love christ with all their heart their soul and their mind and because they love christ with all their heart soul and mind they are seeking to please him by obeying his word which leads to them being a responsible mature adult who cares for their own needs in such a way that they can also give to help care for the needs of others and because they love Christ first and foremost they also love other people they're not self-centered they're others oriented that is a huge challenge to get done in 18 to 22 years and I would say to some of you who've got like 12-year-old, you better get with it.

You're two-thirds done. I mean, the clock's ticking. And our goal is to point, our goal, our responsibility is to faithfully point the children toward Christ and a life of biblical obedience. It's the child's job to choose Christ in response to the convicting of the Holy Spirit and to choose a life of biblical obedience. But that's what our goal is. Now notice the last statement that's on the screen.

All discipline and all instruction is to be goal-oriented, not moment-oriented. Think about it this way. Let's say we have a child who's down here that's age five, and the child has misbehaved, and it calls for some kind of corrective discipline. Look at me for just a moment, if you would. We have to discipline at a point in time. But mentally, the way we discipline at a time, our mental stance is we are goal-oriented.

We want to discipline at a point in time in such a way that, in effect, it's going to just nudge that child one more step toward becoming a disciple of Christ, a mature, responsible adult who cares for himself enough that they can help care for the ministry of others, who's others-oriented. We want to discipline with them in a way that's not moment-oriented, but that is goal-oriented. If we're instructing our children, we want to do it in such a way that, in effect, yes, we have to instruct at a point in time, but we do it in a way that is goal oriented in effect we're trying to nudge the child one step forward toward becoming a strong stable mature disciple of the lord jesus christ now number five in our outline neglecting to handle a problem may be easier now but it will not contribute to the goal of preparing the child to function as an independent adult who thinks and acts biblically.

So a phrase that I used with you in the last session I'd like to repeat now is this phrase, just add 10. One of the things that can motivate us as parents is to be thinking about, okay, what we're dealing with with the child, and we're not looking for perfection, we're just wanting growth, but in an area where the child is giving us a run for their money, run for our money, and challenging us, one thing that can really help us in dealing with this is, okay, just add ten. If the child is caring for his possessions ten years from now just the way he is right now what that going to be like Or if the child promptness to obey 10 years from now is about the way it is now what it going to be like living with them then?

And oftentimes that can strengthen a parent's goal, resolve in dealing with the child and helping them to move forward in a godly way. Neglecting to handle a problem can be easier now, but it will not contribute to the goal for parenting the child to function as an independent adult who thinks and acts biblically. So to summarize it, what we could do is to say that the goal of parenting is to lead our children to love Christ, to obey his word, and to function as independent adults who think and act biblically.

And again, I will say getting that done in 18 to 22 years is a huge task, but it certainly can be done. What I've just been talking to you about in this session about bringing them up, a trepidate, and what that means was very, very meaningful and helpful to me personally as a dad and this whole issue of trying to become goal-oriented and resisting the tendency to become moment-oriented was very, very instructive and helpful to me. And so from the early on at our house Cindy and I talked with our children that our goal is to get you ready for what's coming so when the children you know were three and four we would talk to listen you got to learn when daddy mommy tell you what to do you got to learn to obey right away because in a few years you're going to go to school if you don't go to school if you don't learn how to obey us when you go to school you won't obey the teacher and if you don't obey the teacher when the other kids go outside to play you will have to stay inside okay life won't be pleasant for you got to learn how to obey.

You've got to learn how to take care of your things and put them away and try to keep your things orderly because if you can't learn to take care of your toys now, what are you going to do when you go to school when you've got papers? When they're in the second grade, we're talking about, listen, if you can't learn to bring your papers home when you're supposed to and give them to daddy and mommy to sign or take back to the teacher, what are you going to do later when you want to play on a ball team and you've got more responsibilities? And we're always talking about what's coming.

You know why? Because it's coming. Because it's coming. And if they can't learn to handle what life is giving them now, then they are ill prepared for what's coming. And one of the phrases that we ended up using with our children is listen we not doing these things because we just want life to be easy for us We are trying to get you trained to leave Our kids clearly understood.

We're not raising you to stick around and be our backup to Social Security. We're training you to leave. All right? And so that became a phrase. We're training you to leave. and that became a you know frequently referred to phrase in our home when our son our oldest child was off at cedarville he turned 21 and cindy said you know randy we've been talking for years and years with the kids that our goal was to get them ready to leave and she said to me you know age 21 in our society is viewed as a very significant age and a time of transition And she says, you know, while Jim's been away, I mean, really, we're having minimal control over him right now.

And she says, I think we're coming to the end of our parenting responsibilities with him. And she said, I think we ought to formally communicate that to him. So I want you to hear from Cindy how we formally communicated to Jim that we thought we'd come to the end of the parenting. Thank you very much. When our children were each born, we consecrated them to the Lord and asked them to make us great parents and champion them, champions for the Lord.

We intended for them and hoped for them and prayed for them to become leaders, Christian leaders. And we parented that way, just as Randy has said. So when Jim turned 21, we realized we weren't seeing report cards anymore. We weren't telling him what time to be home at night. He was renting an apartment at Cedarville College. Pretty much he was his own boss.

And we realized parental control at this point had become pretty much nil So we decided we would celebrate Now I a party girl I will celebrate everything We would celebrate all through their lives when they were little And so I thought, this is a great time for celebration. Jim was due to come home for his 21st birthday, and at that time he brought his girlfriend. So I had our daughter take her shopping so we could be alone with Jim.

And we had told Jim, now we're going to want some special time alone with you. And I don't know if he thought he was in trouble or what, but he came down to the kitchen table. We sat at the kitchen table and said, now Jim, we realize you're 21. You are an adult. You're operating as an adult. And we realize things have changed for us.

And we want to share some things with you. So for the next about half an hour, Randy and I took turns telling Jim how much we loved him. It wasn't an unusual thing in our family, but it's never enough, is it? So we took that opportunity for about a half an hour to tell Jim how we were proud of him, how he has continually made great choices, how he had become a man of God, and how we were just so happy with the man he was becoming.

And then I said, when we were done, I said, now Jim, stand up. So he came and Shiley came and stood up next to me. And I had earlier gone to a fabric store and gotten a gold curtain, drape chain, you know what I'm talking about? They're kind of braided. And I had gotten a long drape chain. Some of you are ahead of me, I think.

And I tied one end of that drape rope around my waist, and then I tied the other end, the one around his waist. And I said, now symbolically, this is kind of the way we started. This is the umbilical cord. I'm mom, and you were attached to me. And of course he got all embarrassed. My family knows to put up with my idiosyncrasies.

And I said, this is the way we started. I want to tell you, see I always get choked up telling about this, no one will love you like I love you. A mother's love is unique. You are part of me and I want to let you know that no matter where you go I will love you. No matter what choices you make, I will love you. If you are alone and lonely, you know I'm here loving you.

But you're 21 now. So I took a pair of scissors and I cut the cord. And I had a special lovely box prearranged where I took his end of the cord and put him in it. And also in that box was a love letter from me. and I said if ever you are alone and lonely if you think nobody loves you we all get there some days don't we we go into our little huddle and cry nobody loves me everybody hates me I'm going to go eat worms and I said if you ever have one of those days you take this box out and you remember that I love you and then Randy had prepared a little speech for Jim and a presentation.

When Randy was a young man in high school, he was challenged through a youth conference to stand up and stand out for God. So they were challenged that in high school, he went to a public school, to always carry a Bible. He made the decision at that day to carry a red Bible because it was obvious. and always from that day he carried the red Bible on top of all his books so it would stand out and it was a silent proclamation to others that I am a follower of God, I am one who loves the Lord.

So all those years ago, Randy had had his Bible when he was in high school. He presented that Bible to our son as a love gift when he became a man. one year later our daughter Becky Rebecca turned 21 and we did the same thing and a daughter is so different from a son they are night and day obviously Becky and I had been great great great friends all the time she was growing up and we did the same thing for Becky we sat her down at the table told her how we loved her how she was one of a kind all the idiosyncrasies that we loved of her, the good choices she made, the leader she had become, how proud we were of her And then I said Becky stand up I did the same thing with Becky that I did with Jim with the cord She went along with it a little better than Jim did And I cut the cord, and my gift to Becky, I thought, what am I going to give to Becky? So I had found, you know, with a daughter you feel like you need to protect them.

You need to be there and keep them safe. And she didn't have a husband at that time. And we were kind of pulling away because she was an adult now living her life. So I gave her a pin that was an angel, her guardian angel pin. And again, I expressed to her how I loved her so and that God is her protector for all time. And that this was just to remind her of that.

Randy's gift to her was a very special gift. He'll tell you about that. You know, it can be amazing how two children from the same set of parents can be so different. And if you were to see my son, Tim can attest to this, that my son looks like me. People say we sound the same, have some of the same mannerisms and everything. I've apologized to him for that several times. but if you see him you'd recognize he'd know immediately he was my my son but Becky is the one who of the two kind of caught my sense for adventure so like it was with Becky that I went bungee jumping it was with Becky that I went skydiving and jumped out of a perfectly good airplane.

It was with Becky that I took my longest ride on a motorcycle with a passenger. And it's just several events with her that made it special. So when I was, it would have been very clear to me. I mean, I knew immediately what I wanted to give Jim on his 21st birthday celebration. But for Becky, I just really pondered that. And one day I was in the mall and I saw a beautiful painting of eagles in flight over a beautiful mountain scene and I bought that painting and on the back of it here what I wrote and then I gave her the painting on the day of her 21st birthday and I read this to her as I presented the painting to her It said Dear Becky what joy you have brought to my life I am so glad that God gave you to us.

Your outgoing personality, your concern for others, your passion for the issues that concern you, and your love for God have made you a very, very special person. I will always treasure the memories of our skiing trip, of the motorcycle ride to Dudley, of baptizing you, of hot cross buns and band, your tears after we moved to Fishers, your playing on the high school volleyball team, your wonderful high school graduation. I'll never forget taking you to Cedarville and leaving you for the first time.

Your serving on the master's puppets and serving at Sider Hills Camp. And, of course, your funny e-mail messages. Mom and I have understood from Ephesians 6.4 that our God-given goal was to prepare you to handle life in a biblical manner, to leave the nest and fly successfully. I think you will do just fine. Congratulations on your 21st birthday. Fly, Becky, fly.

That's what we mean, what the scripture means by bring them up. and I would encourage those of you who have children that have not yet left the home nest and are thinking about it to consider doing something special like that. I hope our stories will help you. Here's a very helpful book on that called The Rite of Passage by Jim McBride. He was the executive producer of the film Courageous that many of you have seen.

Very, very helpful book. okay and again the book strength your marriage would be very very helpful let's turn our attention to the phrase in the discipline of the lord this is uh the greek word paideia when the bible says fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord the discipline of the Lord refers to the upbringing the training and instruction of a child particularly as it is attained by action by discipline and by correction what I like you to remember is when the Bible says bring the child up in the discipline of the Lord it talking about training by act teaching by act or by discipline or by correction When the Bible says bring a child up in the discipline of the Lord, this involves providing boundaries for a child and penalties for going beyond the boundaries. The goals are character development and equipping for life in a world full of boundaries. It involves providing boundaries for a child and then penalties for going beyond the boundaries.

The goals are character development and equipping for life in a world full of boundaries. Now, with your blanks filled in, if I could have your eyes one more time, please. when the bible talks about discipline basically what it means is and this needs to start right early on when a child is born it means that you give a child what i'm calling boundaries and then you teach the child by act when they go beyond the boundaries so for example when most children first start crawling one of the first things at their eye level that they're as they look up, one of the first things they're going to see is a wall outlet. And being curious, they're going to start crawling toward it.

And as they're heading toward it, and as the parent, you see what they're doing, what do you typically say? At our house, we said no, because you could see where they're going. And what would typically happen at our house is the child would turn around, look at you, and then go right back where they were going. You had that happen at your house too? Yeah.

So what would happen then? Well, at our house, what would typically happen is we would say no with much stronger voice, and we would go over, and as they're reaching up to go, what would happen? Slap their hand. That's paideia. That's teaching by act. You were told no, that's the boundary.

You don't do it, something happens. all right so the goal of Paideia is character development teaching a child to live happily within boundaries that somebody else has put on you but it's also equipping the child to live in a world There are increasing boundaries the older they get. And a child who hasn't learned to live happily within boundaries that somebody else has put on them is ill-equipped for life. So, for example, the boundaries may be, in these earlier years, you may say to a child, okay, Billy, pick up your toys and put them away.

Or, Billy, go upstairs and put your pajamas on. Or, Billy, sit down and be quiet. Or Susie, whatever the child's name might be. when a person in proper authority tells the child to do something, that is the boundary. You notice I'm avoiding the word rules. It's more than just rules. It's boundary.

You've got to live within this. You may say to a child, you can keep your toys out here in this room, but your toys are not to be in the hallway or they're not to be in the kitchen. They're in this room. That's a boundary. The reason is a child who doesn't learn to live within the boundaries that dad and mom put on them or grandma and grandpa or like a nursery worker or something, a child that doesn't learn to do that is ill-prepared to go to kindergarten or pre-kindergarten.

Because you know what happens? There's more rules put on you. And the older you get, you know, you go out for a ball team, more boundaries, okay? One of the things that seems to be a common misunderstanding among children is that, particularly among teenagers, In my counseling experience, I've come across a number of teenagers who think that if they can just hang on until they graduate, then they can leave home because I can't wait to leave home because then I'm going to be, what's the word?

Free. Because nobody's going to tell me what to do anymore. In fact, one of my more memorable counseling cases happened several years ago. parents had brought in a boy that was probably 16 and a half going on 17 he had been suspended from his school then expelled for fighting and misbehavior and part of the requirements for him getting be able to get back into the school was he had to have counseling and they agreed that they could come to where I was a counseling on faith biblical counseling ministries in Lafayette them and it was very obvious when the family came in the parents came in with the son it was very obvious he did not want to be there He had his baseball hat on and he had the bill pulled down so far that I could barely even see his nose much less his eyes And as we got started, and I'm gathering data and trying to understand the circumstances, and the parents would tell me about some things that had happened, I kept asking him, and just for a name, I'll call him Tom.

I'd say, Tom, is that what happened? And he'd grunt or he'd nod his head or something. but I noticed that as we were getting closer and closer and we're not talking just about the whole family in general but they began talking about him and the difficulties they'd had with him in recent years and we're getting closer to the thing I could see him just squirming in his seat and every so often he's putting his head down and his thumb is pushing the bill up on the cap and slowly but surely the bill starts coming up so I could see his nose and I could see his eyes and he's squirming, it's just obvious this kid is unhappy about what's being here. He doesn't want to be here.

He doesn't like what his parents are saying. And as they're telling him about the most recent incidents at the school, what the school authorities said, how they've responded and so forth, all of a sudden he just erupts in the session. And, I mean, Thumos on display. I mean, he just said, okay, you know, I'm 16 and a half. In about 15 or 16 months I'm going to be 18. and when I'm 18 I can move out legally.

I've already checked into it. You can't stop me. And I'm going to move to Denver and live with my friend. Billy's parents say I can live with them. I'm going to get a job and I'm going to spend my money the way I want to. I'm going to buy a car.

I'm going to drive me where I want to. I'll come in when I want to. And you're not going to tell me anymore what to do. I can't wait until I'm 18 to get away from you guys. And he just erupted with this kind of a speech. and uh i mean thumos blatant sinful anger and when he got done god had to have helped me because the first words out of my mouth is i said tommy if i could fix it i'd fix it so you could do that starting tomorrow he looked at me like real surprised that wasn't what he had expected from me and uh i said uh i think many of the things you just said probably be good for you And I said, here's what I mean.

I said, it'd probably be real good for you to get a job. And I said, Denver's a great place to live or be a beautiful country. But I said when you get that job I said you know I don think it going to be the way you think it going to be For example when you go get that job they going to tell you what time to show up for work They going to tell you what time you can have a break They going to tell you what time you need lunch.

They're going to tell you how long your lunch break will be. They're going to tell you how to dress and they're going to tell you how much they're going to what time you can go home and they're going to tell you how much they're going to pay you. They won't even ask. They'll just tell you and when you get that first paycheck I mean man you've been you know how much you're getting paid per hour, and you've been doing the math on how many hours you've been working, and you think about how you're going to spend all that money you're going to get, but when you open that first paycheck and you look at it, it's not going to be near what you thought it was going to be.

Because while you're trying to get started in life, Uncle Sam's thinking about you retiring. And without even asking, they're going to take 7.65% of your income right off the top. And there's going to be federal taxes, income taxes, state taxes, maybe county tax, maybe city tax. And they won't even ask you about it. Health insurance, they won't even ask you.

They're just going to do it. And when you go buy that car you're looking forward to, man is getting your first car. I can still remember when I got my first car. I mean, that's a great day for a guy to get your first vehicle. But you know what? The state of Colorado is going to tell you how much you're going to pay for sales tax on that.

And when you start driving, they're going to tell you which side of the road to be on, and they're going to tell you where you can turn, where you can't turn. They're going to tell you how fast to drive, and they will tell you how much you will pay if you don't drive as fast as they tell you to. Don't ask me how I know that. And I said to him, I predict that six months after you have done what you just said you want to do, that living with dad and mom is going to seem pretty tame.

Because when you leave home with dad and mom, listen young people, when you leave home with dad and mom, there's not fewer people telling you what to do. There's more people telling you what to do. I'll just show you how bad it gets. you can be out here and be a responsible, mature adult who's holding down a job, trying to raise a family, following Christ, being an active member of a church, and on a beautiful Saturday you can choose, out of love for Christ and your family, to go to a parenting conference, they're going to tell you what time to be there.

And they'll tell you when you can have a break, and they're going to tell you when to come back in, and they'll tell you when you can have lunch. That's how bad it is. and the point is somebody who not learned to live happily within boundaries that somebody else has put on them and it starts right down here A child who hasn't learned to live happily within boundaries other people has put on them is ill-prepared to handle life out here. That's what Paideia is.

It's providing boundaries for a child and then teaching the child to live happily within those boundaries as part of character development, but also as part of getting them ready for a life where there is increasing boundaries being provided the older you get. Now, God uses this kind of training with his children. God uses this kind of training with his children.

I want you to see this in your Bible. turn with me to Hebrews chapter 12 Hebrews 12 we're going to look at verses 5 to 11 nine times in seven verses the word discipline is used so it's pretty obvious what the point is here and some of you may want to do what I've done and that is in my Bible I've underlined every occurrence of the word discipline in verses 5 through 11 So follow along with me as I read. Hebrews 12, verse 5. You have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons.

My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by him. For those whom the Lord loves, he disciplines, and he scourges every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you endure. God deals with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.

Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them. Shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time, as seemed best to them. But he disciplines us for our good, so that we may share his holiness. all discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful yet to those who have been trained by it afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness let me quote that last verse to you for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful.

And everybody said, amen. Now watch this. Yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. God disciplines us at a point in time, but God's discipline is not moment-oriented. God's discipline is goal-oriented. That's how he deals with us.

Here's another verse that talks about it. We frequently read this passage when we're observing the Lord's Supper table. It says, but if we judge ourselves rightly, we should not be judged. But when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord in order that we may not be condemned along with the world. Now, not only does God prescribe this kind of training, providing boundaries and penalties for going beyond the boundaries, but God prescribes this kind of training.

He uses that with us, but he prescribes it for others. Here are some verses that speak about that. Proverbs 13.24 says, He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently. Proverbs 22.15 says, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will remove it far from him. And when we come back for lunch, we're going to start here and pick up on how parents can promote a well-disciplined lifestyle.

And I think there's at least four ways that we can identify where parents can promote children living a well-disciplined life. All right you listened well Maybe you all know the routine on lunch or is there somebody wanting to tell us what we supposed to do here Tim do you know All right. Time to eat lunch. We're pretty practiced at this, right? We do it every Sunday.

So I'll pray here and then we can just get started and i would really encourage you to check out the resources back there there's tons of good stuff all right and i think you'll find a lot of helpful things there so let's pray and then we'll be dismissed and we'll ask that our guests of honor go first through the line that's the way we operate none of you would have started if i had forgotten that All right. All right. Let's pray and then we'll be dismissed.

Father, we are so thankful for your word. We're thankful for Randy and Cindy and their ministry of that word. We ask you now that as we are together, we would encourage and exhort one another that we would be helpful to one another. We thank you that you've brought this servant to our way so that we may profit. it thank you so much for your goodness and your grace in the lord jesus christ who has opened our eyes and given us capacities to do the things that we are commanded to do thank you for our savior who has given us new hearts that love to do the things that you've commanded us to do help us now to honor you around these tables in jesus name amen