Parenting With A Purpose: Session 3

I'll wait until the next session. I want you to consider some books to buy. I've got them in my hand. I'll tell you about them before the next session, okay? So, we're going to get started. Again, our dear friend Randy, who's had significant influence on this church, even though he might not know that.

But Randy will come and minister the word. We're just having a great time today. Well, thank you, Pastor Tim, and thank you all for coming back. I did think after that wonderful meal that maybe I should have called for a march around a couple city blocks here in this fresh air. But I thought, you know, just as sure as I take them outside and they see how nice it is, they won't come back for sure.

So thank you to those of you who prepared the meal. It was fantastic, and I understand that that's just a warm-up for what we're going to enjoy tomorrow after the service, so I'm planning to come tomorrow, too, so thank you for your good attention. All right, let's find our notes, and we're looking at the part that's entitled The Way Parents Can Promote a Well-Disciplined Lifestyle, and as we get ready to head into our afternoon sessions, let me lead us in prayer, and then we'll charge ahead.

Father, thank you again for the rich privilege Cindy and I have of being here at LaRue Baptist Church. Thank you for Tim and Becca and their faithfulness here over the years in spiritual leadership, for the other godly leaders that you've raised up here, and just the kind, good attention people are giving to your word. And I pray now, Lord, that you'll help each of us in the afternoon.

We're at a time of the day after a delicious meal where it would be a little easy to get foggy a bit. and so I pray you would help me to speak in a way that would make it easy for them to listen and it would be truly equipping. And we pray that every individual would gain some insight from your word that would help them either as parents or as grandparents or aunts and uncles, as teachers, youth leaders, as teachers, in some way that will help equip us to more effectively minister to children in your name. In Christ's name I pray.

Amen. All righty. By way of review I have suggested that the single most important verse in the New Testament on the subject of parenting is Ephesians 6 verse 4 Good that lunch helped you so that good Ephesians 6, verse 4, which says, Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. And what I've been trying to demonstrate is the key role that fathers play in this process. from the standpoint of responsibility.

The goal, what we're to avoid, the put-off, is we don't provoke our children to an angry, wrathful lifestyle. Instead, we're to function as goal-oriented parents, and our goal is to bring the children up, and that basically means that we take a self-centered, centered by nature, centered by choice, and by God's grace, see them born again, have a new heart, and the goal would be that as we consistently point our children toward Christ toward a life of biblical obedience by God's grace our children would choose Christ and a life of biblical obedience and because they love God with all their heart soul and mind that means they love others they're no longer self-centered but they're others oriented and because they love Christ Christ said those that love may keep my word that would lead to that person being a responsible mature adult out in this world where instead of having to have other people meet their needs they're ready to serve and to minister to others that's the goal so if that's the goal of parenting the question is okay how do you do that what how do you bring a child up and thankfully God has not left us to our own imaginations God tells us in his word that the two key elements in doing that is the discipline of the Lord and the instruction of the Lord. And before our lunch, I tried to explain that the discipline of the Lord, the word basically means teaching by act.

And it means that we provide boundaries for the children. We teach them to learn to live happily within boundaries that other people have put on them, and they function within those boundaries because we live in a world where not only does God put boundaries on us, but employers, employees, the government, all kinds of other people are putting boundaries on us. And part of getting a child ready for life is having them learn to live happily within boundaries or expectations that other people have put on them.

Now we come then to this part of our outline There some ways that parents can promote a well lifestyle And before I talk about those let me just have you circle in your thinking or at least circle in your notes, that phrase, well-disciplined. And what I want you to note is that that is a positive term. In so many people's minds, especially, you know, we're at a parenting college, we talk about discipline. most people tend to think of us doing something punitive to a child, something to punish them.

But I want you to focus on that phrase, to be well-disciplined is a compliment. For example, if you're watching your favorite college basketball team, and they're playing and they're in a close game, but one of the commentators comments, this is a well-disciplined team. that's a compliment see at your place of employment if if the evaluations come down that your group is a well-disciplined group of workers that's a compliment so to be a well-disciplined person a well-disciplined child that is a compliment doesn't mean you spank them every day it means that they have learned to live happily within boundaries and to carry out the responsibilities that are expected at whatever age so there's at least four ways that parents can encourage their children being well disciplined. One of those ways is by modeling.

A lot of good habits in life are frequently more caught than taught. Let me give you some illustrations. One of the things that I have learned to do over the years is to hold doors for my wife when we're going into stores, and frequently I'll hold the door for her when she's getting into the car. And when we're going into restaurants, if I hold the door for her and I see there's some other people coming, I'll hold the door.

I don't recall that I ever had to tell my son to hold the door, because what typically happens is, particularly young boys, they see Dad doing that, and as the boys get a little bit bigger, they want to go up and hold the door. And for them, daddy, I'm big enough, I'm strong enough, I can do it. And sometimes you have to give them a little help, you know, to kind of get the door open.

But the kids hold the door open and of course anybody that goes by is going to compliment and thank the little child for doing that, right? And that just encourages them to do it And the point is just by modeling you can teach a young boy how to be thoughtful and open the doors for him You don have to say anything just do it It modeling Here's another one. Women greeting others.

In other words, as you ladies meet somebody, rather than just immediately start talking about yourself, if you model asking about the other person, about their life, their well-being, what's going on with them, and you model conversing with people, addressing people, initiating conversation, rather than waiting for somebody to come up and talk to you, your daughters, your sons, will observe that. And they will learn that when you approach somebody, you don't wait for them to talk to you. You initiate conversation.

That can be taught by modeling. Another one is learning to model that you ask questions about others instead of just going on about yourself and your own events. All kinds of modeling teaches children how to be well-disciplined. Another way that parents can promote a well-disciplined lifestyle is not just by modeling but by training. And the whole concept of training, if you think about it in athletic terms, training talks about helping a person or instructing a person to do something over and over and over again.

Let me give you some illustrations. at my home and then in our home one of the things that the children were taught to do as soon as they were able to to do it is to begin carrying some of their utensils after a meal to pick them up take them to the sink all right and depending on the age of a child you know maybe they just have to carry the bowl or something but they start that the routine is when you get up you pick up your stuff after the meal is over and you take it to the sink and children have to be reminded to do it but they can be trained to do that so that it becomes automatic in fact earlier sometime here since I've been here I was taking a coffee cup or something back to the sink and one of the ladies said well here I can, no that's when we were moving I guess last night at dinner we were moving some tables around the chair and I offered to help the waitress and she said no I'll do it and after a while I said look I got to do something if my mama founds out I stood here and watched you move all these chairs I didn't do something my mother would get after me she said your mother would get after you I think she thinks I was way too old to have a mother living but uh but I said yeah my mother would get after me she knew that because the training was you help I mean you you do something Here's another one. The training can take place, for example, children can be trained that when you come in, you take your coat off and you hang it up or put it on the hook, whatever that might be. Rather than when you come in, you just start undressing and throwing your clothes wherever you want them to go.

Another one, an area of training, is to get up when the alarm goes off. Over the years that I've been counseling, one of the issues in parent-child counseling that has been most stunning to me would be the number of parents of adolescents or teenagers who one of the presentation issues where they wanted help was getting how to get their child out of bed and get them ready for school before the bus comes. And when I hear that, I want to say, you've got to be kidding.

I mean you got a 14 year old and you can't get him out of bed in the morning I mean you shouldn't have to get him out of bed here's what I mean about training when you have a child that's say 6, 7 it can be a happy event to take a 6 or 7 year old to a Meijer or Walmart some store and to buy an alarm clock and you buy one that's got the sweep hand so you can turn the child how to tell time. And you can teach the child, okay, this is a tool. This is not a toy.

I mean, you're going to be a big boy now, so daddy's going to buy you some tools now. Daddy's got tools. You're going to start getting some tools. And the alarm clock's a tool. And here you set the alarm. Here's how we set what time we need to get up for school tomorrow.

And then you take your alarm, and you don't put it beside your bed. You don't play with it when you go to bed at night. The alarm goes over on the dresser across the way like daddy does with his alarm. And you set the alarm so when it goes off, you've got to get up in the morning and go shut it off like Daddy does. And then after you shut it off, you go to the restroom and you start getting ready like Daddy does.

So tomorrow, you set this, you pull it out at night to get it started, and the morning you shut it off. So I'll check with you tomorrow morning and see how you did. I mean, folks, you can do that. I mean, at age six or seven, this is a game. This is fun. But just add ten. if they haven't learned to get out of bed when they should, and you've got a 14, 15, 16-year-old, you've got sad days on your hands.

You got heartbreaking days The point is training can be done and so much of it can be done in a very helpful way when they younger Here another way That is by motivating the child Now, motivating a child is a moving target. Just because you could motivate a child through words three months ago doesn't necessarily mean they're going to listen to you now. And just because a reward of a dollar or so helped motivate a particular child six months ago doesn't mean that that will phase them at all now.

I mean, how to motivate a child is a moving target. But with some careful thought, some interaction between the parents and so forth, you can figure out, okay, how do we motivate them? And just because you have one son that was motivated in a different way doesn't mean the next son will be motivated in the same way. I mean, children are different. It's a moving target. but you find out how to motivate them to be well-disciplined.

And then a fourth way of motivating and promoting a well-disciplined lifestyle is by chastising a child. Now that's a word that we don't use a lot in our culture, so let me give you a formal definition. Chastising means to inflict pain for the purpose of punishment or reformation. It means to correct behavior. chastising is a way to promote a well-disciplined lifestyle.

It means to inflict pain for the purpose of punishment or reformation, to correct behavior. So thinking about chastisement, or chastisement, however you choose to pronounce it, let me talk with you about some forms of corrective discipline that the Scripture talks about. And again, this is one of the areas where I think the Bible can be so very, very instructive.

I've discovered that in many people's minds in our culture, there are just basically two or three ways you can discipline somebody, discipline a child. I mean, you can put them in timeout, or you can take something away from them, and there are a decreasing number of people who think that you can spank them. And that's pretty much it. So if you think that the only way you can discipline a child is through a timeout or taking something, usually children have to get very old before you start figuring out I need more tools in my toolbox than these two.

And the spanking I think is typically effective only up until the early adolescent years But the good news is I think the Bible talks about at least six different distinct forms of corrective discipline The first one that I would suggest to you is logical consequences. Logical consequences. I think this is referred to in 2 Thessalonians 3.10 where Paul said, For even when we were with you, we used to give you this order, If anyone will not work, neither let him eat.

In Paul's mind, there's a cause and effect. You don't work, you don't eat. You want to eat? Work. Okay? Logical consequences.

I think another illustration of that is from Luke chapter 15, verses 11 to 24, where we have the story of the prodigal son. And most of you are aware of the story. I think most of us would say, you know, that's just pretty predictable. You give a young man a wad of money, let him go to a place where he has absolutely no responsibility and no accountability and it will be very easy for him especially with the kind of heart to do what the prodigal son did to get the money asking his father basically can i have my inheritance basically saying to him i wish you were dead can i have your money now uh you have a child with that kind of heart give him a lot of money in a place where he has no accountability and he will easily spend the money on wine women and song and after the money is gone the so-called friends will be gone and he will find himself doing things that he would never have thought he would do and the story the prodigal son teaches that the prodigal son came to his senses when he was doing what a Jewish young man would never think of doing is that is associating with pigs and he's so hungry he's feeding the slop thrown to the pigs.

And the moral of the story is the young man saw the light when he felt the heat. Logical consequences. And one way of training a child to have a well-disciplined life is to allow them to feel, to experience the logical consequences of their actions. Let me give you an illustration from both ends of the parenting spectrum. When you have a preschooler, you may say to a child, and let's say the child's name is Susie, you may say to the child, you may say to Susie, a youngster down here in this age span, you may say to her, say, honey, don't leave your toys in the hallway.

Somebody's gonna come out of the bedroom or out of the bathroom and they not gonna look down and they gonna step on your toy and they gonna break it Don leave your toys in the hallway Keep them out in the living room or in the bedroom whatever the rules are Don leave your toys in the hallway And you may find yourself picking up toys and moving them. You may end up admonishing time after time. But some parents have come to a point where they say, you know, I think I've talked about this one enough.

And you may say, I'm going to give Susie one more warning. Honey, I'm not telling you anymore. Do not leave your toys in the hallway, because somebody's going to step on them by accident. And you shut your mouth, quit talking on it, and in a few days, somebody, without intent, is going to walk out of a door, not look down, step on the toy, and as fate would oftentimes have it, it's going to be one of the child's favorite toys.

Of course, great sorrow, buckets of tears over the broken toy, and after most American kids have cried for a while, they figure out a solution to this problem. And the solution to the problem in the minds of many American children is what? Well, buy another one, of course. And that's where the teaching moment kicks in when dad and mom say, no, honey, we told you over and over and over again, do not put your toys in the hallway.

This is what happens when you do that. No more new toys. That's what I mean about logical consequences. Logical consequences down here may mean that you have a child who's underperforming academically. You know, you've had the child tested. You talk to the teacher.

They think there's not a cognitive issue, there's not an eye issue, there's not a hearing issue. The child's just goofing off. The child's not giving to themselves, to their studies, the way they should. And the logical consequences may be for the parents to exhort. You may have hired tutors. You may have done everything you can to get the child motivated.

There may come a time when you say, look, I think we've talked enough on this one. Maybe we just need to be quiet. and I want to suggest to you if your goal is to raise a long term disciple of Christ then your child's grades dipping to the point where they are disqualified from the sports team is not the end of the world and even if your child would have to repeat a grade or classes that is not the end of the world in fact that may turn out to be a major positive step forward for the child because there is something to be learned The light goes on. You see the light when you feel the heat.

Logical consequences. Let's move on. A second form of corrective discipline is to allow a child to experience the fruit of sin. To allow a child to experience the fruit of sin. Let me show you two verses, two passages of scripture that I just find very fascinating. Here's the first one.

Proverbs 5.22. The word of God says his own iniquities will capture the wicked. and he will be held with the cords of his own sin. What Proverbs is teaching us is that sometimes the punishment for our sin is just the sin itself and what it brings. The sin itself is the punishment and what it brings with it. Here's another one. Think about this.

Jeremiah the prophet says, Your own wickedness will correct you. And your apostasies will reprove you. Know therefore and see that it is evil and bitter for you to forsake the Lord your God, and that the dread of me is not in you. Isn't that amazing? Your own wickedness will correct you. What the scriptures are teaching is that sometimes what God uses to bring us about to where we ought to be is to allow us to experience the fruit of sin.

For example, if a child is caught lying, part of experiencing the fruit of sin is that that child has to go to the person to whom he lied, look them in the eye, and say, I lied to you. Please forgive me. If a child is caught shoplifting, the child has to go to the manager of the store, look them in the eye, and say, I stole from you. Please forgive me.

And then the way we taught our kids is if you ever get caught shoplifting, you're going to have to go talk to the manager, and you'll pay double the price of whatever you stole. If you don't have the money, we're going to loan it to you, and then you've got to work it off. That's the fruit of sin, allowing the child to experience the fruit of it. Let me tell you about one area.

The number one drug consumed by teenagers in America is alcohol It is a huge huge issue In fact just in our community a week ago the newspapers had a major article about an 18 boy that was drunk and hit some other cars and killed three people. And he was just sent to prison for 15 and a half years. It's a huge issue. Every year in the spring, around prom time, there's all kinds of wreck cars they bring out to remind kids of what happens when you drink and drive.

It's a huge issue in the state of Indiana. I assume it is here in Ohio as well. As our children were growing up, my perspective was that, for me personally, my perspective was that the path of wisdom for me as a Christian leader would be a teetotaler when it comes to the use of alcohol. And I don't think that means everybody has to be. That's just the path I've chosen. and certainly for my children I taught them that they were never to consume alcohol they would never be at a party where alcohol is involved they're never getting a car where there's alcohol and there's never to be alcohol in any of my cars all right and we made that abundantly clear and Cindy and I had an agreement that if we ever got one of those dreaded phone calls from the police department when our children were teenagers announcing that one of our kids had been arrested for either driving under the influence or having an open container, even an open container is an issue in Indiana, in a car, and the police tell us, you know, we've got them at the county jail, would you please come make arrangements for your child's court date and pick up your child.

We had decided that no matter what was happening in our schedule, if we ever got that kind of phone call, we are too busy to get there for 23 1⁄2 hours. And in my mind, you do something that foolish, you can just sit there for a day and wonder where we are and you can sit there for a day and kind of look around you and look at the people around you and you can sit there for a day and wonder how you got yourself in that jam and you can sit there for a day and wonder what's going to happen in the future and you can just sit there what I've discovered is the tendency of many parents when their children get into a jam with the authorities in some way the tendency so many times is for the parents to swoop in and say man if you roughed up my kid we'll sue the pants off you guys thinking that the child is going to love them for that. I would suggest it's just the opposite that happens.

One of the ways we can promote a well lifestyle is by allowing children to experience the fruit of sin Here one thing to consider The fruit of sin gets more expensive the older you get You know, when a child's four years old, that's one thing. When they're 14 years old and do something, it's a whole lot different when they're 24 years old. I remember at one point when our children were adolescent teenagers or something, we were going through a bit of a phase where there were some challenging things in our parenting.

And one of my pastor friends who had raised five children, four boys and one daughter, I was speaking to him on the phone one day, and he knew Cindy and knew our kids. And so he asked me about the kids and how they were doing. And I just told him about how difficult it was, what we were struggling with and everything, with our, you know, teenage, early teen kids.

And I'll never forget his response. He just laughed. And when he got done laughing, I said, what's so funny? And he just said, oh, Randy. He said it was a whole lot easier when they were four years old and they misbehaved and you could swat them on the butt and put them in bed, wouldn't it? I said, yeah.

It gets a whole lot more complicated and more expensive. The price tags for sin, the older a child gets. So one of the good things to do is allow a child to experience the fruit of sin. That helps promote a well-disciplined lifestyle. Here's a third way, and that is additional work. Now, all of you know that in Genesis chapter 3, after Adam and Eve's sin, that man's work changed.

Man had to do work before sin. Work is a good thing. Adam had responsibilities before the fall. But the work he did after the fall got more difficult. We're familiar with that. Here's a verse that was new to me until some time ago, and I found this very instructive.

Psalm 107, verse 12 says, Therefore he humbled their heart with labor. He humbled their heart with labor. Now, one of the ways I would suggest you think about this, one of the things I've learned to do as a biblical counselor when I'm working with parent-child issues is that I will ask the parents to think of, you know, 15 to 25 chores that a child could do in about 15 minutes.

And you know thinking about the age of the child 10 to 15 minutes depending on the age of the child 10 15 maybe 10 minutes down here and 15 maybe 20 minutes up here And I ask the parents to work up a list of things that can be done and you know depending on the child and their abilities 10 to 15 20 minutes Things like empty all the wastebaskets in the house, pull weeds in the vegetable garden, pull weeds in the flower garden, sweep dad's car, sweep my car, sweep the garage. I mean, there can be all kinds. Take out the trash, all kinds of things. and uh have you noticed parents that sometimes children how misbehavior tends to lead to more misbehavior it's what i call children get on what i call they get on a sinning roll you know one sin leads to another sin which leads to another sin and so forth and sometimes you may you may have them put them in what's called sometimes called a time out just to be alone for a few minutes but sometimes it seems like that doesn't do it what i think is is advisable in circumstances like that is they get all this energy, which currently is going in wrong directions.

At a time like that, it's wise if a parent can go to the refrigerator door, where all important family documents are, and there on the neatly typed up list is the list of 15 to 25 chores that a child can do in 10 to 15, 20 minutes, and look at the right child, go down the column and say, okay, I want you to sweep out my car, or whatever it is, and channel the child toward taking that energy and using it in a constructive way. Humble their heart with labor. And if one assignment doesn't get them humbled and back into thinking and acting the way they should, give them another one.

That's what the Scripture said. It talks about additional work, humbling their heart with labor. Now, here's another way, and that's through the loss of privileges and rewards. The loss of privileges and rewards. I'd like you to see this passage with me. Take your Bible and turn to Deuteronomy 28.

Deuteronomy 28. Now, if you're using a Bible that has paragraph headings, what does yours say right ahead of verse 1? Deuteronomy 28. Blessings for obedience. Yeah, that's kind of what mine has. Here's why it says that.

Notice the opening verses. God is speaking to the nation of Israel, and he says, Now it shall be, if you diligently... Obey the Lord your God, being careful to do all his commandments which I command you today. The Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. All these blessings will come upon you and overtake you if you obey the Lord your God.

Blessed shall you be in the city. Blessed shall you be in the country. Blessed shall be the offspring of your body, the produce of your ground, the offspring of your beast, the increase of your herd, the young of your flock. Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. Blessed shall you be when you come in. Blessed shall you be when you go out. and the passage reads just like that right down through verse 14.

It's what one old boy called a blessed portion of the scripture. All right? Now look at verse 15. If you have a paragraph heading right there, what's it say right ahead of verse 15? Curses for disobedience. Now notice the change, and notice the first word in verse 15.

But, very important word, But it shall come about if you do not obey the Lord your God to observe all his commandments and his statutes with which I charge you today, that all these curses will come upon you and overtake you. Curses shall you be in the city. Curses shall you be in the country. Curses shall be your basket, your kneading bowl. Curses shall be the offspring of your body, the produce of your ground, the increase of your herd and the young of your flock.

Curses shall you be when you come in. Curses shall you be when you go out. And it reads just like that through the end of the chapter. By the way, how many verses are in this chapter? How many? Yeah, a whole bunch.

How many? 68. This is one of the longest chapters in the Old Testament. Now, think about what we've just seen. It begins by God saying, if you will obey me, here are all the ways that I'm going to bless you. but if you choose not to obey me here are all the ways I'm going to discipline you in effect God is saying to the nation of Israel which way do you want me today now think about this God is very predictable God just happens to be in the business of blessing righteousness and judging sin that's It's kind of what he's saying to the nation of Israel.

And one of the ways that parents can encourage a well-disciplined lifestyle in the lives of their children is by being predictable. In fact I would say to you parents it probably a great compliment It may not be intended that way but it probably a great compliment to you at one point when your adolescent or your teenager says to you you guys are just, you're just so predictable. If it is said because you are like God, then that is a high compliment.

What you want to communicate is this. You want to communicate to your children. We happen to be in the business of blessing righteousness and judging sin. Which way you want us today? Around this house, we bless righteousness, and there's all kinds of good things that come with that, including privileges and rewards. But you don't go that way.

There's things that come with that, including the loss of privileges and rewards. By the way, I was meditating on this passage some time ago, and I was curious. God spent 14 verses with promise, blessing for reward, and he spent 54 verses with promise, discipline for disobedience, And if I did the math right, it's a ratio of 1 to 3.85, almost 1 to 4, which I think suggests that God thinks his children are motivated more by fear of discipline than by hope of reward.

And you can apply that in your house as you think appropriate. Okay, let's move on. We're talking about ways that parents can promote a well-disciplined lifestyle. Point E in our outline is the rod of men. Now here's one that many folks are not familiar with. And the term rod of men comes from 2 Samuel 7, verse 14.

And here's the context. King David is about to die. God is speaking to him, and God tells King David, Solomon, your son is going to be your successor. and when in the verse when it says I will be a father to him that's God saying to David when Solomon's king I'll be a father to him now notice what the verse says here's God speaking to David about his son I will be a father to him and he will be a son to me when he commits iniquity I will correct him with the rod of men and the strokes of the sons of men now ponder that just a little bit.

Isn't that interesting? That here's God the Father speaking to David, a man after God's own heart. Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived other than the Lord Jesus Christ, is going to become the king of Israel And God says I will be a father to him And when he needs correction I going to use the rod of men Isn it amazing that the God of tsunamis thunderstorms snowstorms all the judgments from the book of Exodus, the God who can only do those things, says to King David, when your son's going to mess up, I'm not going to do any of that stuff that only I can do. what I'm going to do is bring into his life other people that will discipline him.

How instructive. Now let me give you an illustration of what the rod of men is. 2 Chronicles 33, 1 and 2 says this. Manasseh was 12 years old when he became king. Now isn't that the dream of every adolescent? you know you're 12 years old and you're in charge what a happy day huh well Manasseh was 12 years old when he became king and he reigned 55 years in Jerusalem and he did evil on the side of the Lord according to the abominations of the nations whom the Lord dispossessed before the sons of Israel and the Lord spoke to Manasseh and his people but they paid no attention.

Therefore the Lord brought the commanders of the army of the king of Assyria against them and they captured Manasseh with hooks and they bound him with bronze chains and they took him to Babylon and when he was in distress he entreated the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers. Now a little bit of background. The Assyrians were the ISIS of the Old Testament.

They were known for their brutality. They were greatly feared for the atrocities that they committed against the people that they conquered. And one of the things that the Assyrians, one of their practices was that after they conquered a city state or a particular nation, they would round up the key leaders and one of the things they were known for is they would put hooks through the nose of people or up to the mouth of their roof of their mouth and then they'd hook the people tie them together with ropes or chains and then they march them back to the Capitol for the show parade And then oftentimes they be martyred Now think about this You been king You've been running the show for 55 years.

And now you've got a hook up through your nose, up through your mouth, and you're being marched back to be mocked, ridiculed. that's the rod of men but notice the last verse on the screen and when he was in distress he entreated the lord his god and humbled himself greatly some people are just slow learners some people got to have a lot of heat before they see any light and that's what God used with him let me talk to you about what I would view as the rock the common rod of men in our culture I think there's four one would be teachers many parents believe their children are wonderful very very bright above average all that kind of stuff but when a teacher's got 25 to 32 of them in a class they may discover that your child is not quite as bright as you think they are and that your child is not quite as not only smart but as well behaved as you think you are and many parents find themselves amazed and greatly distressed when they find out that my child's not the top of the class in fact he may be a little but low middle, and he's not the angel I think he was, and have a teacher say that to him. And the tendency of many parents, when the child complains about the teacher, is to side with the child. You know, well, it's only their second year.

I mean, what do they know? Or, you know, they just like the rich kids or something. I mean, the children will come up with some way to blame the teacher. The tendency of many parents is to side with the child. I'm wanting to wave a flag of caution. Don't do that.

When you're not sure who's right, side with the authority. In this case, it would be the teacher. And oftentimes, a teacher is the rod of men that God is using to help surface some things you may be blind to and help the child to grow in areas that you're not helping them with. I'll tell you another one. It's coaches. Someone said that one of the marks of a good coach is a coach will push you, a good coach will push you to do things you don't want to do in order to become what you want to be.

And a lot of children don't want to be pushed. They want to start. They want to be one of the top scorers. I mean, they want a lot of playing time. They don't want to be pushed, though. And oftentimes, a coach will be the rod of men.

And you may think your child is great enough to start or, you know, play a prominent position, but the coach may not think that. And again, before you start calling for the coach to be fired or replaced, I just want to say to you, think, could that be the rod of men in the life of my child? Here's a third one. Employers. Employers. I'm a big fan of children getting jobs and working for people other than their immediate family.

In the state of Indiana, children can start working in the food industry about age 14 and a half and both of our kids got jobs right around that time and Cindy and I both think that the way our children viewed us at that age went up when they started working for an unsaved employer. You think we're rough? Well, go to work. And sometimes an unsaved or even a saved employer who's focused on getting a job done rather than coddling a child could be the rod of men in the lives of many children.

Let me mention a fourth one, and that would be youth leaders or maybe Sunday school teachers or leaders in the church in some way. But particularly it usually happens to be youth leaders or Sunday school teachers. if you have a youth leader or Sunday school teacher that loves you enough, loves God enough, loves your child enough to come and say to you, listen, on the last outing Billy was a major source of disobedience and frustration for us. If somebody loves you enough to tell you about your child's failure to your face rather than getting mad at them hug their neck, thank them and think this may i thought i thought he was well behaved this may be the rod of men that god is bringing from another angle to help our child to grow and to change Well the sixth form of corrective discipline that the Bible speaks about is corporal punishment The word corporal means of or relating to or affecting the body.

So corporal punishment is punishment that affects the body. It's what we would frequently refer to as spanking. The Bible speaks about this numerous times. For example, Proverbs 13.24 says, He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently. Proverbs 22.15 says, Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.

And I realize that we live in a culture that overall, the culture thinks very negatively about corporal punishment. And I think in many ways this is not only just a rejection of God's truth, but it's an overreaction to child discipline. And everybody in this room would hate child discipline, all right? But following the kind of principles we're going to suggest now will keep a parent from being involved in child discipline through corporal punishment, but also allow you to fulfill biblical requirements in this area.

So here are some suggestions on the use of a rod. First of all, give clear instructions. And I would say to you that eye contact is important. When we're talking about corporal punishment, I'm usually, in my mind, thinking about this, that it would be from early adolescence down to the younger years. And children have great capacities for concentration.

And you may have said something, given instruction, loud enough to a child that sound waves hit their eardrums, but children can really concentrate on what they're doing and they in actuality may not have heard you that's why we find it we found it wise when we gave an instruction to a child if they didn't respond to us immediately to call a child's name and say look at me and then give the instruction one more time oh eye contact is important i would encourage you to give one warning only and do not count parents who count are typically teaching their child i didn't mean what I said the first time I said it, I don't mean it until I get to three and a half, three and three quarters or you know whatever it is where you start following through on things So just give one warning again make sure they have that eye contact so they know what you told them to do And then if the child needs to be disciplined in a corporal way it's very important you discipline the child alone. Also that you explain the spiritual issues involved. If a child has disobeyed you, they've also disobeyed God because Ephesians 6, verse 1 says, Children, obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right.

So God has commanded children to obey. If they don't obey you, they've disobeyed not just you but also God. So you want to explain the spiritual issues involved, that they've got to learn to obey you and must learn to obey God as well. And then you want to express personal grief. Most children want the approval of their parents, and a parent expressing personal grief and regret over the child's behavior in and of itself is a form of discipline. but express personal grief.

And if you're going to spank the child, I would encourage you to use a neutral object and spank until he cries softly and repentantly. A rebellious scream or fighting is cause for additional discipline, and you'll want to use enough force and swats to accomplish the training. Now let me just pause and talk about this for just a bit. Point F, use a neutral object.

I want to speak against parents spanking a child with your hand for multiple reasons. Number one is if you spank the child hard enough with enough force, there's a possibility of breaking blood vessels. Number two, and I think one of the major concerns is our hands, if you start down that path of disciplining a child with your hand, the problem is your hand's just a little too handy. and if you're not careful you end up doing what I would call just hauling off and whacking the kid and it becomes moment-oriented discipline instead of goal-oriented discipline.

It's just a little too handy. I think a third reason is as parents we don't want our children to ever be fearful of sudden movement on our part around them. So I think there's just value in using a neutral object. Now, the neutral object, there's all kinds of variety on that. Some parents have used wooden spoons, some have used a belt. The one I would highly recommend what I encourage you to do is go to your closest Sears store wherever that is and go back to the paint department and just ask them for a couple of their paint stir sticks They about this long about that wide They're plastic, so they have some flex to them, and they've got holes in them.

They're perforated, and they're free. And one of the other nice things about them are they fit very nicely in the glove compartment of a car. and parents of younger children oftentimes need to show I am armed and ready if necessary. So it can be very, very helpful. Now look at the sub-point one there. You want to spank until he cries softly and repentantly.

A rebellious screamer fighting is cause for additional discipline. The child has to be taught. You need to learn how to receive this. If you fight, kick, scream, that's additional crime. You'll get additional swats. And then number two, you need to use enough force and swats to accomplish the training.

Now, that will vary with the age of each child. I think it varies with the personality of each child. And it certainly varies on whether or not they're wearing a diaper. Just, you know, you need to be wise and careful there. The goal of spanking is we don't want to do this very often. But when we do it, we want to do it in such a way that a loud, clear message goes from back here to the child up here that says, it wasn't worth it.

Don't do it again. That's the goal. And you want that message to be loud and clear. Okay? So we don't have to do this very often. So I mentioned this whole issue of the number of use enough force and swats to accomplish the training.

In my counseling, I remember one time I worked with a family that came in for remedial counseling because they had children that were being disobedient, and it was creating difficulties in school. And as I talked to the parents, they quickly identified themselves as Christians, and as I began asking about how things function in the home, and later I was gathering information about how they disciplined, they bragged to me. I mean, they were quick to tell me, oh, we believe in speaking.

We believe in spanking. I mean, we believe the Bible. We spank them when they need it. I said, okay. And I said, and about how often would the kids in your home need to be spanked? He said, I said, really?

You spank your children every day? Oh, yeah. And I said, look at me. Stop. Stop immediately. Because the way you are doing it is not what the Bible wants.

This is to be a positive source of training. And it is not a hallmark of godliness just that you spank your child. It's to be goal-oriented. And the way they were doing it was obviously not working. I mean, if you're doing it every day, it's not working. The way you're doing it is not working.

And the fact that they were coming in for remedial counseling indicates they got more problems than this. So I want to encourage you to think about that. We want to do it in a way that communicates loud and clear so we don't have to do this real often. And a little bit later in the next hour, I'm going to model or give you some more detailed instructions about how to do that.

All right, let's move on. the same parent who disciplines should also comfort later and use the time to teach following a spanking is oftentimes a very very strategic teachable time you want to you want to capture that you want to help the child to clear his conscience and again depending on the age of the child you have to teach them the words the phrases what that means but the older a child gets the more they should understand the more they should be expected to do in clearing their conscience. You want to evaluate later, seek forgiveness when you discipline an uncontrolled anger or you've over responded, and point J, put a big star beside this one do not use corporal punishment in a public setting I mean if your children misbehave and you at Meijer or Walmart or something and it so bad you think maybe we got to get out of here I mean don go out in the car and spank them I mean go home I mean do not don do it in the store and certainly don't do it in the parking lot. In our culture, you've got to be very, very careful about that.

Okay, we've been spending the last few minutes of last session and everything up to this session talking about discipline. Let me just talk with you about why, or let me illustrate why this is such an important subject. Here's why we have to spend at least an hour talking about discipline. This is how children look at life. If I like it, it's mine. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

If I can take it from you, it's mine. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. if I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. If it looks like mine, it's mine. If I saw it first, it's mine. If you're playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

And if it's broken, it's yours. All righty. Well, listen, we're right at a point for a good break in the study. We're about five minutes ahead of seven minutes ahead for the schedule. What I'd like us to do is if we could just bump up the schedule a little bit, and let's take a break now. And it called for us to start the next one at 2.15.

Could we start five minutes earlier? Let's start at 10 after 2, and we'll pick up that way. All right, enjoy your break.