Parenting in Perilous Times: Determined or Shaped

Now, as we start tonight, I will try not to be as long-winded as I was last week, and so leave some time for question and answers. Also, I want to mention that we have a bunch of resources in the back, a lot of books that I have found very profitable in this discussion, a lot of resources. We've got a lot of booklets, oftentimes used in counseling. Those little booklets are very helpful, but they're really good in just summarizing some things for you.

So I'd encourage you to look at the resources we have back there. Check them out. The prices are there, and we can order them for you if you're interested. Okay. Well, we want to talk about children tonight. Take your Bibles and turn to Ephesians 6.4.

This is our... Why are you all laughing? Of course we want to talk about children. Unless you're laughing about something out there I don't know anything about. Ephesians chapter 6, verse 4, addressed to fathers. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Last week we talked about the fact that the gospel changes the whole parenting task and that the gospel has charged fathers with the ultimate authority and oversight of raising the children. Tonight we want to talk about children. What in the world does the Bible mean when it talks about children? You may think that's self-evident, but let's find out.

Before we do, let's pray. Father, once more we come to you and thank you for the time that we have together. Would you guide our thinking and help us as we look into your word. Help us to see our weak spots. Help us to see where we need to change. And help us, Father, to do this for the glory of your name.

Lord, we too often want to think of parenting as just raising successful children as opposed to glorifying you and the way we follow you in our parenting. So help us to get the right frame of reference. And then, Lord, help us now tonight. Help us understand what it means what our children are like what makes them tick what causes them to do what they do And we thank you in Jesus name Amen All right I'm looking for my clicker, which I lost.

Anybody see it? Ask the kids. They're welcome. You don't know who they are yet. They're welcome. Thank you.

Thank you, Ryan. I was just about ready to blame Samara. Because she had that look about her. Here it is. The children are innocent. I'm sorry.

Samara's innocent. All right. You know what? We all have lenses provided us by which we understand our children. So what are your lenses? What's the frame of reference that you use in understanding your children?

Maybe it's your experience, or maybe it's the eclectic experience that you've gathered from your parents and your grandparents and everyone else like that. It's quite possibly, it's one of the many psychologies of human behavior that's captured your view. The latest study that's come out on kids that tells you all about what makes them tick and what they're like and so forth. fourth, what's the latest book on child rearing, maybe, that you have that is kind of forming the way that you look at your children, at your young people.

Here's a framework that I want to suggest to you. It's a biblical anthropology. Now, don't confuse the theological term with the sociological term. Anthropology is an academic discipline whereby you study cultures and try to figure out how they tick and what makes them go. We're using this in the theological sense. Anthropology is the doctrine of man.

That is, what does the Bible tell us about man? Anthropology, theologically speaking, tells us who and what man is, what makes us tick what are we like what influences us what drives us So we want to begin tonight we want to talk give you a biblical description of children and that's going to have, your anthropology then will have a major bearing on how you respond to your children. It's going to have a major bearing on what you do with your kids.

If a child is basically good and has all the resources within himself to figure out everything that's going on, which is what's typically called third force psychology or Rogerian psychology would say. People are basically good and have all the resources within themselves as to how they ought to operate. Well, then that's going to affect the way you deal with your kids.

You're not going to give them direction. You're going to try to get them into contact with the inner resources that they have. Maybe if he's the end of an evolutionary process and he's just the highest animal then you're going to condition them you're going to to just have rewards and punishments all the time to just kind of get them to do what you want or if he's motivated by the deep rumblings of an unconscious that has been over socialized by all the people in his life that means you're going to operate differently you're going to look at your child and and think oh we got to figure out what went wrong with him where and all those sorts of things so biblical and accurate view of man will have a great influence on the way that you parent.

So let's start out. Here's the first thing that we want to say. Your child is a sinner. No news to you, I'm sure. I'm always amazed, to me, it always seems to me that the highly touted child psychologists out there, when I read their writings, I ask myself, did they actually have children right what's going on the idea that children are innocent or good or even even at the very least neutral is foreign to scripture and even christians can be subject to that we we're all brought up you know do you remember maybe you remember maybe you don't learning about the philosopher john lock you go oh yeah we all remember that well if you don't remember John Locke you remember what he taught He taught that every human being is a tabula rasa an empty slate And what makes him what he is is whatever experience writes on that slate And that makes him what he is Because he basically a neutral being But that not what the Bible teaches He not at best neutral He certainly not innocent and he not good Scripture teaches that your child is inherently naturally corrupt and guilty Okay The baby that's born to you, that cute little bundle, that wonderful bundle that you're holding in your hand, is a corrupt, guilty human being.

You know, we all don't like to think that way, especially after the baby's just born. But let's face it. Every one of your children was born shaking his fist at God. That's the way we are. That's the way we are born. We're born that way.

We're born with a bent toward evil, and we are not neutral. We're born with a bent toward evil. Now, in the world today, that's heresy. You can't say that in public without, you know, people getting really angry. But, you know, what does the Bible say? Psalm 51.5, Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.

Psalm 22.15, Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. A reminder, when the Proverbs speak of folly, It's not talking about the fact that my kids do silly, stupid things. Okay? Annie was telling us of a co-worker of hers. Okay? And this co-worker's mother, when she was a little girl, was saying to her, Man, you just smell bad.

Something's wrong with you. And everybody around her thought that she smelled bad. So they finally took her to the doctor. You know what they found? They found that the kidney beans that she'd stuffed up her nose were starting to rot. And that's what everybody was smelling.

Now, someone might say, that little girl was foolish to stuff kidney beans up her nose. And we call that foolishness. But when the Proverbs talks about folly and foolishness, it's not talking about stuffing kidney beans up your nose. It's talking about the fact folly is living your life in God's world your way. It's living the way you want to live in a God created world.

And the Proverbs when it talks about folly. It's saying that foolishness, folly is the path to destruction. It is foolish. to try to live in God's world your way. It leads to destruction. And so when it says folly is bound up in the heart of a child, what Solomon is saying there is this sinful bent, this evil bent to live your way is bound up in a child's heart.

You don't put it there, it's there already. Psalm 29 15. Listen to this. The rod and reproof give wisdom. Reproof, words, and the rod give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. that is to say a child without any kind of corrective influences at all will not be corrupted will will is already corrupt and will grow up in a way that is utterly sinful if there is no correction okay you don't if you want a child listen if you want a kid to grow up to be a murderer don't do anything just let him do what he wants okay a child left to himself brings disgrace to his mother all right now listen the bible also tells us that a child will distort and suppress the truth every natural man everyone born into this world naturally suppresses the truth distorts it suppresses it ephesians 4 17 through 19 now this i say and testify in the lord that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do in the futility of their minds.

They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. We are born with futile minds, minds that are darkened. And as we continue to live in this world without the effect of the new birth, we continue in a way of futile thinking, of ignorant thinking, because of the hardness of our hearts.

This is the way we're born. Okay? We naturally distort. Romans chapter 1, verses 18 through 20. For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth For what can be known about God is plain to them because God has shown it to them For his invisible attributes, namely his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived ever since the creation of the world and the things that have been made, so they are without excuse.

Now he's just talking about people generally who don't have the word of God. The revelation of God is still given to them and they distort it. Man has a natural ability to distort and suppress the truth. And that's what our children will do without the gospel. So the question is, is your child fundamentally deprived or depraved? Is he maladjusted or malicious?

And what does the Bible say? It says it's the latter. He's depraved. He's malicious. Here's the boy who hits his teacher, steals from his classmates, and is always picking fights on the playground. What is the problem?

So they send him to the counselor, and the counselor is trying to figure out what went wrong with him. Now, when our kids would come home and tell us about those kinds of children, we would say, honey, did you know that that person is a depraved individual? He's doing what is natural. And you'd be doing it too. if it hadn't been for God placing you very faithfully and providentially in this wonderful family that you're in.

I remember my parents used to say things to us like, you just don't know how good you have it with the parents you have. But listen, that's exactly the case. Or you will hear people describe that same boy this way. Well, I know Tommy is having trouble at school, but at heart, he's really a good boy. No, he's not. At heart, he's not a good boy.

His heart is evil. That's why he's doing these things, right? And so we have to get it through our heads that our children are sinners. What are the implications of that? If he's basically depraved, he needs discipline and the work of the gospel. And by the way, that and there does not mean discipline plus the work of the gospel.

It means they both work together. And we'll talk about that in the future. but it not like discipline and the gospel are two opposite things that work together they are things that are naturally together discipline prepares the way for the gospel Discipline is part of the gospel And so the implications are that discipline and the work of the gospel are necessary in order to raise our children. We have to get it into our mind.

Our children are sinners. Alright? Now you say, oh, I already know that. Well, certainly you do. But listen to the words that come out of your mouth when you say, your child does something wrong, and then you say, boy, I wonder where he learned that. He must have been hanging around the plasma kids.

Right? That's what we a lot of times say. By the way, I'm not just picking on those plasmas. I'm thinking about my own kids. The point I'm making is simply this. If you really believe that, then it's going to affect the way that you parent your children.

Right? You're not going to be going around blaming other people. One of the things that I hear from teachers a lot is the fact that a kid acts up in class and what do the parents do? They blame the kid next to them. They blame the teacher. They blame the school.

But they never think of the problem may be their child. Okay? I remember this as a kid growing up. I come home and I say, man, my teacher is so out of touch. I got in trouble today. And the first words out of my parents' mouth were, what did you do?

It's like, what do you mean, what did I do? I'm innocent, right? They didn't buy it. God says that your child is an image bearer. All right, so God created man in his own image. In the image of God, he created him.

Male and female, he created them. Genesis 1.27. So your child is a reflection of God. and therefore your child has a moral consciousness, emotions. Your child exercises sovereignty, creativity, intellect, self-reflection. All those things are true of your child. And you've got to keep that in mind, that all of these things are true.

These things are true. However, that image, although it's still present, is marred and distorted by sin. The image is there, but it's marred, it's been defaced, it's been twisted to a certain degree. Now if it says in Genesis 1 27 that God created man in his image in the image of God he created him That means that the definition of a human being is image of God Therefore, a human being today, after the fall, is still in the image of God because that's the essence of our humanity.

However, it's been distorted and twisted by sin, corrupted by sin. All right? we know that because Colossians chapter 3 verses 9 through 10 says do not lie to one another seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator the gospel is restoring to us then our humanity okay do you have ever thought about that the gospel's work is also to restore in us true humanity, to make us more into the image of our creator, to take the twist and the perversion out of that image. All right.

Nevertheless, our children, even though it's marred, even though the image in us and our children is marred, we are still made in the image of God. And that's going to affect the way that you respond to your children. That has implications. How so? Well, a child is not someone that's merely forced into obedience or conditioned like an animal. So it's not just about punishments and rewards.

It's not just about behavioral modification. All right. And it's not about merely forcing them into compliance. As if you, you know, you take a horse and a bridle and force that thing to learn. That's not the way it is with children. He's more than that.

A child is someone to know. What are his hurts? What are his desires? His views of life, his circumstances of life, and so on. It's someone to know. And again, parents, so many of us don't see our children that way.

We just see them as just obey, get with the program, and obey. We don't see them as an image bearer that we have to interact with, that we have to get to know. And therefore, with that in mind, a child's mind, his moral consciousness, his creativity, his emotions, all that must be engaged. They also must be engaged. Now, as we're going to look at later, that's a little bit different with...

That's a little bit different for Avalon than it is for Anna, okay? It's a little bit different. There's going to be more engagement here than with Avalon, all right, in terms of all these things. And yet, there's a sense in which we can do that. Look at Ephesians 6, 1 through 3. Listen to the Apostle Paul.

How does the Apostle Paul address... Who does he address in this epistle, by the way? Who's he talking to in verse 1? children he is so when thank you someone is courageous enough to answer that trick question okay now look here's this epistle it arrives at this church and you're a kid sitting in the pew and all of a sudden your ears perk up as the great apostle paul dresses you directly he says children obey your parents and the lord for this is right honor your father and mother this is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land he he quotes from the ten commandments and he says children obey your parents in the lord he's addressing them directly he thinks evidently he believes they can think things through because he says hey here's a promise listen to this promise he he figures they'll be able to put two and two together.

He appeals to them. He engages them, you see. And so that's the same thing. We can appeal to our children. We can reason with our children. We can do all those things because they're made in the image of God.

Now, since that image has been marred, it can only be renewed through the ministry of the gospel and the spirit. and again this is why the gospel must be so central as we raise our children because if sin is the basic issue and the image is there but it's marred the gospel is still the answer we must minister the gospel now let's talk a little bit about what makes our kids ticks what makes them what they are. The first thing that we have to see is that God says your child is a product of shaping influences Now I can claim originality here just like about anything I say This has taken a lot from Shepherding a Child Heart I think Ted Tripp has done a great job of talking about the externals and the internals And so I want to give credit where credit is due. What are shaping influences?

Those are the events and the circumstances that prove to be the catalyst for making him the person that he is. all right so there are influences on us that help make us what we are all right so we have to be aware of that the bible does recognize that there are shaping influences scripture acknowledges those influences for example in deuteronomy 6 6 through 7 the commandment there is to love the lord your god with all your heart soul and mind and then it says impress this upon your children And then he goes on to say in Deuteronomy 6, 6 and 7, so teach these things to your children when you're walking along the way, when you're sitting down, when you're getting up. In other words, the idea there is that children must spend considerable time with parents who teach them if they would grow up to serve God. Parents, they must spend considerable amount of time with parents in order to learn those lessons.

All right? Ephesians 6.4, notice the warning, and this is what we'll talk about next week, is the warning in Ephesians 6.4. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. All right? So there it recognizes that fathers can have a shaping influence on lives, that if I act a certain way to my children, I can provoke them to anger. Colossians 3.21 says to dads, do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged.

I can have an influence on them so that they become discouraged. And then Proverbs 29, 21 just kind of shows the principle in a general way. It says, if a man pampers his servant from youth, he will bring grief in the end. So in other words, the Bible recognizes that there are shaping influences in our lives. We are what we are because of some of the environment that we've lived in, because of these influences that have had an effect on us.

They do affect us, okay? Yet we must sound a word of caution, and that is that these shaping influences are not automatic. The way a child responds to those events and circumstances determines the effect they have on him Okay That is to say he is not merely acted upon by the circumstances of life He's not merely an inert object that somehow is shaped by these things.

Because as a human being, he reacts to those things. Are you with me? That is to say, children are never passive receivers of these influences, but they are active responders. That is so important to see. Okay? That is so important to see.

He responds according to the Godward orientation of his heart. So we want to say here, here's what you need to get at this point. There are these shaping influences on our children. All right? We are what we are because of what we grew up with. However, we're not passive receivers.

We react to those things. Okay? We're humans. We have hearts that are oriented towards God or away from God. And so we react to those things. We're not just passive receivers.

We're not play-doh that's formed by our circumstances as if there's nothing we do. Our children respond to those things as well. so let's think about some examples here so here's someone and there's in shaping influences in in her life there's a structure of family life that has an influence is it a traditional family structure maybe it's not maybe she grows up in a family where she spends over an entire year she spends a couple weeks a couple weekends a month with dad and the rest of the time with mom How many parents is the child exposed to? Are there other children in the family?

Is family life organized around one child? Maybe he's the oldest, maybe it's the youngest. Okay? So here's Sally and her husband. They come in for marriage counseling. She's all upset because her husband doesn't organize his whole life around her.

Of course, she's an only child. Her life has been her parents just organizing everything around her. and maybe their parents who don't understand that that the point of their marriage is not just to live for their child but to be companions and so they lived a child centered life and so does that affect her certainly it does it causes some problems There are family values that also have an impact on our children What is important to the parents What's worth fussing about and what goes unnoticed? Are people more important than things?

Do parents get more stress over a hole in their school pants or a fight between schoolmates? Where does God fit into family life? What secrets are kept? And where are they told? All sorts of things like that come into play, the values, okay? My growing up as a kid, here's some of the values that I lived by, okay?

You've heard me say this. We lived in a very small town. Our town was half the size of LaRue, 400 people, okay? And my dad would say things like this to us. You're a plasma. That name means something in this town.

You better live like it. Act like it. Don't bring dishonor on our name. And he also told me things like this. Oh yeah, by the way, you have a direct impact on my ministry. If my kids are out of control, I'm done as a pastor.

You think that had an effect on us? Now, by the way, I don't think he was wrong in telling me that. I don't think he was wrong in telling me that. I learned early in life that life was not just me living for me. my life had effect on other people but that's the kind of values and influences that were in my life and you had values family values in your life that shaped you okay um okay i'll give you a silly example beck and i are out walking beans you know i told you about walking beans today you know i told you your sole reason for existence is to eradicate weeds in the world i'm telling you That's not far from the truth.

So we're out walking beans. We'd been married probably not quite two years yet, and we'd spent the summer out on the farm. We didn't have kids yet, so we were still kind of free. We could go out and spend the summer on the farm. So here we are, walking the beans. And because she's got a very practiced eye, she can see a buttonweed a mile away.

And I can't quite see it, so we're going along, and she turns around. She looks a half a mile down the row and looks in my row, And she says to me, you missed a weed down there. And I said, so I missed a weed. Big deal. Is it that big of a deal? To which she replied, well, if that's what you think about my father's farm, then we're just about done.

Okay? Now that reaction was because of the values of her family. I'm telling you, what I said was absolute heresy. Right? You know how we solved that problem? We went to opposite sides of the field.

Of course, I'm sure she went out later and rechecked my work. But be that as it may. Okay? What are the family roles? What are the roles that each family member plays? Is dad involved in every aspect of life or is he busy and a distant father?

Does mom run the show and dad just kind of grunts and goes along? Or does maybe mom rebel? Maybe she gets her way by rebellion. Maybe she does it by manipulation. You know, Ted Tripp writes in his book Shepherding a Child's Heart, I know one home in which the children are required to put on their father's socks and shoes because he is obese and finds it uncomfortable.

Since he is cruel and harsh in the way he requires this service, the children are being shaped by powerful statements about their place in family life. You think that's going to have an effect on their kids? Absolutely it will. What about family conflict resolution? Does the family know how to talk about their problems? Do they resolve things or do they simply walk away?

When dad gets mad, does he get quiet and stays that way for six days? Maybe mom blows her top and tells dad what she really thinks of him. And are the problems solved by biblical solutions or just merely by power? What's going on? And then there's all kinds of other things. And, well, I'm just picked on family things, but other influences like friends.

What kind of friends do you have growing up? Or school. What's the kind of school you went to? Geography. Geography has an effect on you. If you grow up in the north, you've got a leg up already.

At least in my opinion. Your community. Your community makes a difference. Do you think it makes a difference whether you grow up in a little town in Wisconsin of 400 people or in the ghetto in Cleveland? Do you think that's going to have an influence? Certainly it will.

It most certainly will. All these things have an influence. But I would also caution you that you need to beware of Christian determinism. Christian determinism. Shaping influences cannot be ignored or denied They do have an impact on the people that we become However you make a terrible mistake if you think and conclude that child rearing is nothing more than providing the best possible shaping influences for your child.

Some Christian parents are Christian determinists. They think if they just keep everything just right, their kids will turn out all right. If They think they can just keep them away from all those evil influences out there. Their children will turn out right. Now look, I am not taking a shot at homeschooling when I say this. Okay, so you homeschoolers out there, just relax.

I'm not taking a shot at you. But I want to encourage you. I want to warn you with this. That now we've had a generation of homeschooling. And what's coming out of it? There's a lot of homeschool kids who are spurning the faith.

And it's not that much different. It's not that much different than the kids who aren't homeschooled. And I would suggest to you it's because so many parents thought that if we can only keep the influences right, and by the way, I also think they neglected the gospel in the whole thing. Okay? So, if you think that just shaping influence, if you think that protection is your main job as a parent, you're wrong. you're wrong.

Because there's more to it than that. Okay? There's more to it than that. Now look. Okay, so, I'm only saying that. I'm only saying that because those of you who homeschool, I want to just encourage you and tell you that the gospel makes the difference.

As I look at the scripture and I just look at what's going on. Too many people have become very moralistic and they just think good things produce good children. And it goes much deeper than that. And frankly, I think you who homeschool in our congregation are a lot farther ahead than most. But that's for another day and we can talk about that. So be aware of shaping influences.

Be aware of them. although they are not all of the task of parenting they an important part a parenting you hear me say that They are important Okay What I want you to hear is this They are important, but they are not determinative. Okay? They're important, but they're not determinative. How so? Because your child is not merely a product of shaping influence.

Your child is a product of a Godward orientation as well. And here's what I want you to see. Well, what is that? The Godward orientation is the religious bent of every individual through which all experiences are understood and processed. Okay? So, here's what you need to see.

Shaping influences. They're important, but they're not determinative. Godward orientation reacts or responds to those. Okay? So, important, not determinative. There's another element here, and that's the orientation of a person's heart.

Everyone is essentially religious. They're either worshiping God or they're worshiping something else. a child is worshiping serving and growing in his understanding of who God is and making sense of of life and relationship to God and if he's not worshiping God he's worshiping something else the very nature of a human being is to be a worshiper and in Philippians in Romans chapter 1 in Romans chapter 1 you remember they suppress the truth then what do they do what does it go on to say in Romans 1 you tell me they suppress the truth and then they do what they suppress the truth of this invisible glorious transcendent God and then they do what they exchange the truth of God for a lie and then do they worship creation ok it's not whether someone is worshipping everyone is worshipping the question is what are you worshipping that's the issue So, by the way, your friends, you guys as friends at school who are unbelievers, you know what? They're worshipers.

They exchange the truth of God for a lie. They're worshiping creation, whatever that may be. You know? So the question is not will he worship, but who will he worship or what will he worship? Now our children are not conscious of their religious commitment but he not neutral He not neutral He will be worshiping something Okay? Now, here's what's important to see.

And I think this is a better biblical anthropology. Okay? And that is this. Whatever the shaping influences, the Godward orientation determines the responses to them. All right? It determines the responses to them.

Life experiences, our life experiences are all filtered through that orientation of our heart. It's our heart that interprets. And if we're going to interpret correctly, it's got to be a heart that's devoted to God, or it will interpret everything wrongly. It will distort and suppress the truth. So, Luke 6.45. Listen, the good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil.

For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. Proverbs 4.23, keep your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life. What determines our behavior is our heart. It's our heart. So, either a child responds to the shaping influences by faith, or he suppresses the truth and responds in another way to those shaping influences. Okay, so you look at someone who's the victim of molestation.

All right, what happens? He's interpreting that on the orientation of his heart. And a lot of times, he's going to respond to that with an orientation that isn't God-ward. And then after conversion, he has to learn a whole new way of looking at that. He has to learn a whole new way of understanding life. This has had a tremendous, this molestation has had a tremendous influence on him.

And it's determined him, if you will, because the nature of his heart did not respond in the way that God wanted. That's the nature of a human being. He's already bent toward evil. But now he's converted. Now, what does she need to do? She needs to start thinking about life differently, and that shaping influence now does not become that which determines.

I'm no longer a victim, right? I'm not a victim. I can be a victor. I can start thinking differently. about life. This does not define me. My union with Christ defines me.

My identity as a believer, my identity as a disciple, as a follower of Jesus defines me now. This does not. But this did define me because of the orientation of my heart. Now I've got a different orientation. Now I need to change that. Do you see what I'm saying?

Are their lives organized around God as Father, Shepherd, Lord, sovereign king, or living for some sort of pleasure, approval, acceptance, or some other false god? What's orienting that heart? We can also call these the heart idols, right? The desires, the ruling principles, the motivations, the expectations. So our children respond to the shaping influences, okay, by what's ruling their hearts.

What's ruling their hearts? why is it why is it that one child okay so you have these two kids and this is kind of often illustration that Ted Tripp uses in his book so here's the kid whose parents buy him sneakers okay and here's another kid whose parents buy him the same sneakers one kid goes he comes home and he's just upset he's horribly upset. And his dad wants to say to him, why aren't you thankful? I'm not going to pay $500 for some sneakers.

These $90 sneakers are just as good as everybody else's. And he says to his dad, yeah, but everybody who has these kinds of sneakers, they're nerds. Everybody makes fun of them at school. Okay. Anybody who wears these sneakers, you know, they're the ones that they stuff into their locker. Right.

The nerdy, stupid kids. Oh, yeah. Right. Now this other kid has the same sneakers, right? But he doesn't, he's fine. What's the difference between the two?

They're in the same school, in the same environment. This kid's made fun of, and this kid's made fun of, but this kid thinks everybody is stupid anyway. He's the, he's, he's a brilliant kid, right? And he just thinks, they may think I'm a nerd, but you know, they're a bunch of jerks anyway. now what's the difference between the two right this one is driven by this idol of I need to be accepted this one is driven by another idol I better than anybody else I don care what they say See they both have the same influences but they responding differently because their hearts are different.

Okay, so we see all kinds of examples of that. It's just one example, but you can see this in children's lives, the approval of their peers. They want to be top of the class, right? Have you ever two kids in the same school, one kid has ulcers, the other doesn't. Why? Because this kid is determined to be valedictorian.

This one? Right? Or he'd rather be playing than pay attention in class. Pleasure is the ruling desire. Okay? So here's what we have to see.

We are determined what makes us what we are are the shaping influences and the godward orientation of our heart that responds to those influences that what makes that's what makes us who we are that's what determines us okay now of course this has important implications for raising children what are they well parents have to be concerned to provide the most stable shaping influences you want to structure of your family to furnish the stability and the security that is biblical. You want the quality of your relationships to reflect the mercy and the grace of God. You want them, you want those relationships, you want those shaping influences to reflect what God says is right and just, and what is gracious and what is merciful okay you want the punishments meted out to be appropriate to reflect a holy God's view of sin you want your values to be scripturally informed you do want to pay attention to the kind of friends your children have because the bible does say that okay but they also have to be concerned with understanding the particular hearts and motives of each child Okay this is I think this is absolutely essential I not just dealing with the things that influence them I dealing with their hearts as well I want to know their hurts I want to know their heartbreaks I want to know what going on I want to know what the orientation of their hearts are All right Let finish up then quickly The last thing that we need to see about our children is they are temporary residents.

They are temporary residents. Genesis 2.24 For this reason, a man shall leave his mother and his father and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Okay? That verse makes it clear that lifelong companionship is not found with children, but with your spouse. Alright? My companion for life is Becca.

My companions for life are not Calvin, Levi, Yance, Annie, Lydia, and Emma. They're not my companions for life. In fact, they're pretty much gone. Kind of. Okay? And it's just, some of the time, just Beck and me.

Now, listen, this is important. This is important because that means your child must sever ties with their parents and establish a permanent bond with their spouses. And therefore, it is wrong, it is wrong to pour all your time, energies, and priorities into your children. If your child is a temporary resident by God's design, then don't mess up that design by making your children the center of your relationships.

That can mean, you know, just, oh, we love them so much, we're going to do everything for them. or on the other hand there's just nothing they do right and you're devoting all your time to tell them where they're wrong and what they need to do and you don't have any time for one another either way okay you can't have a child-centered home that child is a temporary resident there are times in marriage counseling that i have found where i'm talking to some people and they are strangers to each other because for the last 20 years they've poured their hearts that they've done everything for their children Okay And because of that now that they in their mid with maybe another 20 years of marriage left they complete strangers to one another You see? And so God says, they're temporary resident. Treat them like that.

That means you've got to raise them so that it's easy for them to be independent of you. It's easy for them. That means, you know, you don't keep poking your nose in where you shouldn't. and you prepare them to be independent. More on that next week. Okay? So your children are temporary residents.

Okay? So you need to see your child as God does. And if you're going to raise your children in this age, understand your children using the lenses that God provides. That's the best way. It's the only way of raising your kids. So four points.

What are they? What are our children? Give me the four points. Sinners. Image bearers. Shape.

God's orientation. Temporary residence. Pardon me, that's five. Yeah. Good or preachy, not bad. Bad math?

Thanks, Steve. Okay. Now look, we've got to keep those things in mind. Can I tell you that that helped us a lot. Those points helped us a lot in terms of how we related to our kids. More on next week.

Next week we're going to talk about danger and destinations. Destination and dangers, maybe that's the best way of putting it. Where do we want to go with our kids and what can keep us from getting there. Okay? All right, any questions? I don't guarantee answers, but I'll listen to questions.

My goodness. That is frightening. Well, again, it depends. there's so much that, okay. Yeah, what if a child requires all your time? The point is, a lot of times, what I've found, a lot of the times is we think they require a lot when they don't, when we need to let them alone. But things like this, okay, when it comes to this issue right here, this was a major one for Beck and me.

Where we had to say, in a related thing, when I learned that the purpose of marriage was companionship, and I learned that, I can tell you, I learned it in the summer of 1986. It blew me away. That meant that we had to make time for us. We had to make time for us, and so we had to plan that. Okay? So, you know what?

It may mean, Kelly, that you plan to spend an hour every single night together, just alone, after the children are in bed. It may require planning. When your children get older, you need to tell them, hey, you're not the most important person in our lives. I hate to break this to you, but that's just the way it is. And you need to understand we have to be together.

When they're younger, they don't understand that. You need to plan, and you need to discipline, and you need to teach with this in mind as well. So all of this should guide your discipline in your teaching. you know because some children know they're not paying attention to me I'm going to make them pay attention to me so I need to let them know that's not right and if you keep demanding that there's going to be consequences I mean we're kind of talking in generalities here and it's hard to hard to give really hard core answers so maybe Levi can help us yes Levi Yeah.

Alright. This will give you more specifics. And this is what we'll talk about next week. What is the goal for my children? The goal for my children is this. When my children leave my home, I want them to be godly independent disciples who love and serve God who love and serve others and can handle life by handling God Word Okay that the thing that went through my head constantly I already told you, I want you to be here next week, even though I just told you what we're doing next week.

Okay, and that helped us in the sense of, okay, this is going to tell me everything I do to my children, for my children, and with my children. That goal, always ringing in my head, is going to determine that. And so when a child is requiring a lot of time, I'm going to be asking questions like, what's going on here? What's going on in her little mind?

It seems maybe I need to correct something here, but I need to find time to be with my spouse. However, I need to plan it, I need to do it, I need to discipline my children and teach my children so they know that. but I don't know that there are seasons when our children are going to take up more time than usual, but I don't. I want to be careful here, but if God tells us to be companions, I've got to find some way of being obedient to that.

I've got to think it through. I've got to ask other people, help me. I've got to do it. Okay? I think this last issue is one of the most important things that we learned as a couple. we've got to be together. We have to have time together.

We've got to do something with the kids. So what we would do is we'd say the children have to be in bed by 8 o'clock every night so we have two hours maybe a little more of just being together. There are temporary residents. I need to raise them that way so they know that. Okay. Okay.

Any other questions? Yes, Chrissy. I have three I think again what we often want are hard and fast rules and what we need to know is that children require an investment of time. You've got to get to know them. So if there's a child, another friend that's being, that is having a bad influence, you have to be willing to say, that's going to end. And sometimes it means, okay, this school is so far gone, I'm not going to let them go.

Now listen, let me just say some things about the homeschooling thing, because I do not want to be misunderstood. All of us are going to stand before God and give an account of how we raised our children. Some of us sent our kids to public school. Sometimes we did a mixture of them. Sometimes they went to homeschool. Sometimes they go to Christian schools.

None of us can sit here and judgment on anybody else. Romans 14 says each one of us is going to give an account to God for what we did and what we thought was right. If you think homeschooling for you is right, go for it. If you think public school is right, go for it. If you think private school, go for it. Whatever.

You're going to have to answer to God for it. My only appeal is this. Be careful that you do those things with the right reasons in mind. If I think a school is so far gone and I have no influence, they're out. Okay? Now, for us, we had the liberty.

I had the liberty of going to that, walking into school anytime I wanted. and I had the liberty of talking to teachers and the principals and we got involved so that when we had a problem we could go there and they didn't think we were a bunch of religious fanatics because they saw that we were concerned. Plus, with our children, we grilled them every night. What did you learn?

What do you think about that? We had long discussions about those things and all those sorts of things. So, you know, we can't judge one another. the only appeal I'm making here is simply this. It's this. Don't think okay, don't think that what you chosen is the answer for your kids The gospel is always the answer for your kids Okay And here an area that we have to be careful of If homeschooling presents its set of dangers, school presents its set of dangers.

So I need to be aware. Do you think there's dangers over here? In all schools? Yeah. Sure. Are there dangers over here in regular school?

Are there dangers in Christian school? Yeah. There's dangers in all of them. And what we tend to do is, here's what we tend to do. We tend to think, this is the answer. And that's where we get into trouble.

The gospel is the answer. Okay? And so, wherever it is, we have to make those decisions and we'll stand before God and none of us has the right to judge anyone else because Romans 14 says you live your Christian life in these areas the way you see fit you'll have to answer for it you don't have to answer to me for it you'll have to answer to the Lord I'm just saying that so you know you don't get your guns out you don't start shooting at each other alright now Christy did I answer your question?

I did well if I didn't answer your question I sure worked hard at defending myself alright we probably ought to quit so take these things to heart I think these are real important these things that we've outlined tonight are going to have a major effect on the way you respond to your kids so you need to pay attention to them let's pray Father thank you for your word and for what it is. It says to us how it forms us and how it guides and directs us. Help us to be students of Your Word.

And Lord, especially, help us to be students of the Gospel of Jesus that we might see how we need to grow and glorify our Lord Jesus. We thank You in His name. Amen. you