Parenting in Perilous Times: Danger & Destination

So, I'm going to pray, and we will take off and see what God has to say about danger and destination, alright? So let's pray. Father, once more we come to you and ask you to minister to us your word. Make it alive, and Lord, help us to examine ourselves, especially the parents here, Lord. I pray that they would look to themselves and ask themselves serious questions about what we're saying tonight.

Be at work, Lord, not so that we can control our kids, but so that we can lead them to you, lead them to an awareness of themselves, lead them to an awareness of God, lead them to an awareness of the world that they might think and act and love and serve you in all that they do. Help us to that end, we pray, in Jesus' name. Amen. Let's talk about Jacob for a moment.

Jacob is a rebel. He's done with his parents. He hates to be around them and his two sisters. He rarely talks to anyone in his family, and when he does talk, it's usually an explosion of rage. He avoids his dad like the plague and treats his mom like trash with his mocking words and defiant tones. Jacob stays in his room if he's home, but tries to spend as much time as he can away from home with his friends.

His grades have plunged, and it's not unusual for his parents to get phone calls from the school about some incident involving Jacob. Jacob, who is 17, makes no bones about the fact that he cannot wait until next year when he can depart and get out of this stupid house once he gets old enough. His parents are completely perplexed. I just don't understand it, says dad.

We were at church every time the doors were open. We had family devotions every day. We raised him to be a good boy. Mom chimes in. When he disobeyed, we were sure to discipline him. How could he embarrass us this way?

Doesn't he see what he's doing, not just to himself, but to us? Now, you've heard that story from some of your friends. You may even be going down that road and facing those sorts of things already Some write kids off like Jacob and they just say well every family has its Esau right Every family has its Esau We can guarantee the kid's going to come to Christ and that's just the way it is sometimes.

But before we dismiss the Esau's of this world, it's good to examine our parenting first. It's good to ask ourselves some questions because many parents are unaware of the danger in raising children and because they don't have any idea where they want to take their children, they miss the destination that God wants them to go. They miss the destination where they need to be going, where God wants them to go.

So tonight we're going to explore two things. The first is the danger we have to avoid in raising our kids. And the second is the destination we have to pursue with our kids. So there's something we need to avoid and there's something we have to head for. There's a goal. There's a destination that God has for our children.

Okay? Let's turn to Ephesians chapter 6 verse 4 again. Here's our launching pad as we consider what the Bible says about raising our kids. Ephesians chapter 6 verse 4 fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the lord all right in this verse he gives us a danger to avoid and a destination to which we must head.

First of all, beware of the danger that you must avoid. What is that? He identifies it here in this verse, and that is do not provoke your children to anger. Do not provoke your children to anger. That's what we have to avoid. Now, what does that mean?

It does not mean that we never upset, annoy, or disappoint our children, nor does it imply that we withhold from them something they desperately want. You know, some Christian kids are really wise and really smart with the Bible, and they start getting angry, and they say to their parents, Mom, Dad, the Bible says you're not to make me angry. All right?

It doesn mean that we never annoy or upset or disappoint our children Look at 1 Kings 1 I found this instructive so many years ago as a young dad as I thought about these things as others taught me about these things. It's interesting to me what you find in 1 Kings 1, verses 5 and 6. Watch. Now, Adonijah, the son of Hagith, exalted himself saying I will be king and he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen and 50 men to run before him his father that is David had never at any time displeased him by asking why have you done thus and so he was a very handsome man and he was born next after Absalom now notice what it says here it says here that David never displeased his son and what did this son do?

This son launched a palace coup. It's interesting to note that the four sons that are mentioned of David, three of them turn out to be very violent men. One's a rapist, one's a murderer. Adonijah is one who tries to take over the throne. And then there's Solomon. Now three of those four boys that are mentioned are violent men.

Why? Because David never displeased them. He never told them not to do certain things. And because he just let them go, they turned out to be violent men. The point I'm trying to make is it doesn't mean you never upset or annoy or disappoint your children. David never did.

And look what he ended up with. It does mean, it does mean to not bring up your child in such a way that he becomes an angry person. One characterized by perpetual resentment or impulsive anger in other words don't bring up your child in such a way that he becomes an angry person look over at proverbs chapter 25 verse 28 proverbs 25 28 describes this kind of person all right it says in verse 28 a man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.

Now what does that mean? It means if there's someone who can't control himself, who can control his emotions his anger he like a defenseless city Remember the cities had walls around them This kind of a person is defenseless That is to say everything around him ticks him off He's getting angry about everything. The teacher makes him mad. His parents make him mad.

The principal makes him mad. His boss makes him mad. This is somebody who's not in control of his life. Everyone else is in control of his life. Do you see that? He's like a defenseless city.

He can't control himself because everyone else gets these emotions going. So you don't want to bring up a child who's like that, who's angry. Now the Amplified Version captures it well when it says, Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger. Do not exasperate them to resentment. okay we should avoid exasperating our children to the point of deep and abiding resentment the parallel colossians chapter 3 verse 21 in my view apostle paul wrote ephesians and colossians on the same day stuck them in different envelopes and sent them off because there's there's a lot of parallels between those two and and in proverbs chapter 3 verse 21 he says fathers again do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged.

We can relate to our kids in such a way that we take the wind out of their sails. They become discouraged. They want to give up or they get angry. What does it look like? What does this kind of person look like? Well, it can look like open rebellion that is blowing up.

I can relate to my children in such a way that they become people that are open in their rebellion they blow up they they can't control themselves and when they get angry they blow up but you know what else there's also passive rebellion clamming up this is the kind of anger that's like resentment apathy subpar performance at school maybe rebellion with a smile or maybe even rebellion with silence i can think of some young people that i knew as pastor here who learned how to control with silence they just wouldn't say anything they were mad they didn't blow up though they're just silent they wouldn't answer wouldn't answer the questions they wouldn't answer their mom and dad they just were silent they learned how to be angry in a silent way now you know what A lot of times the second way of rebellion is acceptable to parents. You know why? Because it doesn't bother them as much.

Somebody blowing up, that bothers them. Somebody being rebellious quietly, that doesn't bother them as much, right? Or the sullen kind of rebellion. So, son, I want you to take out the garbage. I'm sick of taking out the garbage. I don't want to take out the garbage.

Make my brother take out the garbage. Get really mad about that. Say, son, I want you to take out the garbage. He gets the door open and he walks out and he stuffs the garbage in. We'll accept that. Why?

Because the garbage got taken out. You see? We lose sight of the goal, which we're going to talk about later. We lose sight of what we want to take our kids to. And so we can exasperate our children so that they're openly rebellious or passively rebellious, But the idea is don't provoke them so that they become resentful, angry, rebellious kind of people.

Okay? So that's a danger that we have to avoid. I've got to be careful that I do not provoke my children to anger. Okay? Someone getting provoked back there right now? How do you do it? how do you exasperate children?

Okay? Now look, you've got a lot of scripture verses and sometimes we'll read them, sometimes we'll refer to them. But you look them up later if we don't cover them here. How do you exasperate your children? That is, how do you provoke a child to become an angry person, a resentful person, an explosive rebel or a quiet rebel? How do you do that?

Well, one, you just be a passive permissive parent. Okay? Just be a passive permissive parent. It's expressed like this. Hey, it's no big deal. That's the way a five-year-old acts.

Right? It's no big deal. That's just the way a five-year-old acts. Or he's too young to understand. The problem with that attitude is pretty soon you have a child who won't understand. I don't know what I'll do with this kid.

I've heard that countless times. I don't know what I'm going to do with this kid. Right? Give up. I just give up. you just have to be a passive permissive you know many dads are too lazy to be leaders they don want to take the risk of leadership when i say they don want to take the risk of leadership then all you dads know what I talking about When your children get older, you hate making those decisions.

When they get older, that they're not going to like. You know, oh man, if I tell them no, you know, they're going to grumble and they're going to gripe and it's just going to be, oh, I just don't want to, I just want to do that, right? so men we've got to be leaders especially in this area look at proverbs chapter 13 verse 24 whoever spares the rod hates his son but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him he who loves his son will be diligent to discipline him proverbs 29 15 the rod and reproof gives wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. If you want an angry, exasperated child, then don't do anything.

Let them do whatever they want. Let them do whatever they want. Have you seen parents who do that? And if you're this way, I'm not picking on you, but pay attention. Have you seen parents who say, now honey, don't do that. Now don't do that anymore.

And the kid's screaming and yelling, and they try to distract him. And they don't step in and say, look, that is not acceptable. You stop right now, or there's going to be consequences. All right? Instead, they cajole, and they plead, and they say, they try to distract him. I remember a couple that we knew when we were seminary students, and Beck and I and this other couple, they had a child.

Well, Dan and I were in seminary. we'd be traveling to church together. We went to the same church and their little guy would start acting up and they'd say, oh, oh, look out there. Look at the buffalo. There was a place that had some buffalo on our way to church. Oh, look at the buffalo. Oh, look over here.

It's parenting by distraction. And pretty soon you've got a kid who's out of control because parents don't do anything. You know what? I think a lot of the violence that we're seeing in schools today is not because of parents that were abusive but parents who didn't do anything. I think that's what's happening a lot. You're seeing a lot of really angry children because we have a culture that just doesn like authority and parents don want to exercise that authority They afraid to they feel guilty about it whatever the case may be and as a result we got lots of angry violent young people here another way to exhaust your exasperate your children when you have no grace in your home no grace okay turn over let's look at some of these passages isaiah 65 to me is instructive here is God through the prophet Isaiah confronting the rebellion of his covenant people but in this passage notice how he does it I was ready to be sought by those who did not ask for me I was ready to be found by those who did not seek me I said here am I here am I to a nation that was not called by my name.

I spread out my hands all the day to a rebellious people who walk in a way that is not good, following their own devices, a people who provoke me to my face, continually sacrificing in gardens and making offerings on bricks. Here is a picture of God who's talking to his rebel people and he's saying, I got my arms open for you. I'm pleading with you, right a lot of parents don't know that we're not going to plead with our kids we're going to tell them how much we love we're just say toe the line or you're in trouble do it all right look at first Thessalonians chapter 2 now this is not about parenting but it's great it's interesting to see Paul as a spiritual father here in first Thessalonians chapter 2 verse 7 well let's back up verse 5 for we never came with words of flattery as you know nor with a pretext for greed God is a witness nor did we seek glory from people whether from you or from others though we could have made demands as apostles of Christ so he comes on strong is we could have done this and we didn't this is the way we were but notice what he says next but we were gentle among you like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.

So being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God, but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us. Do you hear what he says He says we not only shared the gospel we shared our lives We gave you our we gave you us We shared our lives with you It wasn just here it is now do it It was they shared their lives with them They gave of themselves And that's what we have to do as parents. Notice what he says in verses 11 and 12.

For you know how like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God who calls you into his own kingdom him in glory. He was gentle, like a nursing mother, okay, like a mother nursing her infant. That's how gentle we were with you, and we shared our life with you, all right, and we acted like a father with you.

Look at 1 Corinthians. This to me is another way. Now again, this isn't a parenting thing, but it gives us a standard of godly leadership. 1 Corinthians chapter 1, verses 4 through nine. Okay, now before you look at it, Corinth is a church that anybody would want to pastor, right? Right, this is a church where they're suing one another, and there's adultery going on, and they're doing all kinds of horrible things.

They're in fights about who's the greatest. It's a church that's like, boy, don't ever call me their God. I don't want to go there. But watch what he does here. First Corinthians chapter one, verse four. This is the people he's talking to now.

He says this, I give thanks to my God always for you. It's like, what, are you crazy? If I were writing this letter, I'd say, what is wrong with you? You knew better than that. I told you what to do. Doesn't that sound like a lot of dads?

Notice what he says. I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge, even as the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you so that you're not lacking in any spiritual gift as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ who will sustain you to the end guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ God is faithful by whom you were called in the fellowship of his son Jesus Christ our Lord do you see how he starts out with these people these are horribly disobedient people and he says I thank God for you would you do that now is that what you do with your kids or do you only see what your kids are doing wrong? Do you look at your kids and say, oh, you did it again?

Do you ever say, you know what? I thank God for you. You know what? God gave you to me and I love you and I want you to know it. But there's too many homes that are all law and no grace. Look, I told you what to do.

Now do it and don't give me any trouble about And all you do is talk about what they do wrong. You never talk to them about what they do right. You never tell them you love them. They've got to toe the line. Here's what you've got to do. Now do it.

And the children get the idea that I'll love you if you perform well. But if you don't perform well, you're on the outs with me. Alright, now, don't, don't, I often say this when I'm lecturing in other places, don't hear what I'm not saying. don't hear what I'm not saying I'm not saying that you say to your children oh I love you unconditionally I'll love you no matter what you do I'm not saying you say that but what I am saying is here's a problem child let's say do you ever and it seems like they're doing wrong all the time but you know they don't do wrong all the time they may just be sitting at the chair at the kitchen table that's the time to take the opportunity of putting your arms around that that little girl, that little guy is giving you grief and saying, do you know that I love you?

There's got to be some times in the day when you can at least say that. Do you know that I love you? You want them to, you want to build a relationship with them so that they know that you love them. And nothing may change. Nothing may change. But at least you're being like God.

At least you're being like God. So many children are exasperated because they live in a home that says, do this. and do this and do this and do it well and I'm going to check on you later without any expressions of love or very few without taking the time to build that relationship with those children. Those are graceless homes without loving relationships and that exasperates children.

All right? I love what Ted Tripp wrote. No, this is Wayne Mack. Wayne Mack wrote this. Home for the child must be a safe place, a place where he will be understood and helped, a place where people will not mock him or make fun of his faults and weaknesses, a place where people may disagree with him but still welcome and respect him, a place where people will encourage him and bind up his wounds, a place where people really care about him.

If we're going to avoid this danger, our children must know that we care about them. we don just care about their behavior we care about them all right all right here another way you exasperate your children when you handle your anger in unbiblical ways James 1 19 through 20 makes it clear the anger of man does not work the righteousness of God That isn't to say that we never get angry. By the way, you know, when people say never discipline in anger, they're living in a fantasy world. Of course you discipline when you're angry.

Of course you do. The question is, is your anger under control or not? That's the issue. And unbiblical ways that we can handle, Ephesians 4, 26 through 27 says, don't let the sun go down on your anger and don't give the devil a foothold. That is to say, some of us, some of us will get angry with our children and what we'll do is we may blow up. And then pretty soon they're getting the idea that, oh man, I've got to be careful.

I'm living at the foot of a volcano. That'll exasperate them. Or maybe we do just the opposite and we're quiet. I'm not going to talk to you for two, three days I'm so mad I'm just not even going to look at you I'm not even going to talk to you and then they start walking on eggshells because they never know how maybe you're going to blow up that's a way to handle your anger in unbiblical ways and you will exasperate your children here's another one when you never repent and ask for forgiveness how sad this is dads and moms we need to be in the habit of when we sin against our children, we look them in the eye and say, Dad, we sinned against you.

Please forgive me. In fact, knowing the way I am and knowing the way, the fact that all of us are fighting the world of flesh and the devil, there's plenty of opportunities for us as parents to do that with our children. You know, Matthew 5, 23 and 24 says, don't even bother to come to the altar with your sacrifice. If you know you've got a problem with the brother be reconciled to your brother then come in worship i don't i can't tell you how many times on the way to church we had to ask our kids forgiveness on a sunday morning right sunday morning sunday mornings in our house used to be like we all got to get out of the house and get to church okay so we're all ready we're ready to go and lo and behold there is emma in the bathtub with the water running and all her clothes on.

You know And there are times it like stop it And then you got okay all right Levi forgive me for yelling at you That was wrong I should not have done that. Okay? There were many times where we had to do that. But listen, when you use angry tones with your children, when you sin against them, do not be afraid of humbling yourself and asking their forgiveness. if you don't do it guess what they'll never learn to do it they'll never learn to do it all right here's another way you can exasperate them when you use sarcasm and ridicule with them when you make fun of them when you're sarcastic and and um ridicule proverbs 12 18 says that words are like swords they hurt right you remember that old saying we used to say as kids um i don't i'm just just going to quote it and i don't remember it sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me that's not what the bible says bible says proverbs 12 18 words hurt and we're sarcastic and ridicule our children they know that and it hurts them and that's going to exasperate them.

When you're not careful about the way that you reprimand or correct your children, do you make their sins public in the family or with others or do you deal with it privately? What tone of voice do you use? What words do you use? Even when you discipline them, do you treat them with respect or with contempt? right how does god discipline us he doesn't treat us like man i'm so mad at you i'm just going to beat you up no and and you know what um and this does not have biblical authority what i'm going to say this does what i just said here but what i'm going to say is an application of this doesn't have biblical authority but but we tried to make a habit of of when we had to spank We didn't do it in front of the other kids.

We didn't do it in front of the other members of the family. We didn't do it in front of whoever was visiting our house. We went into the bathroom and dealt with it. Okay? I know that one of my kids does it. I had to spank one of their boys the other day, and he walked in and put his hands on the tub ready to go Right You know what right Let me tell you what happened on that one I swung he moved or I wasn aiming right and I kind of hit him in the back.

And he just stopped, he looked at me and he said, you hit me in the back. Be that as it may. Be that as it may. You need to do this privately. Don't reprimand them in front of everybody else. Okay?

So be very careful how you correct your children. And then here's another one. When you do, you're going to exasperate them when you do not make your expectations, rules, and regulations clear. Alright? One day, mom has mopped the kitchen floor and the kids walk in with their muddy boots and she hits the ceiling. But then, you know, then the next day she gets roses from dad and she's just on cloud nine and the kids walk through in their muddy boots and she just doesn't react at all right make your expectations clear be consistent with that because when you don't do that children don't know are they going to be mad at me or not are they going to discipline me or not I don't know they got mad at me for that yesterday but not today what's they don't know that's frustrating okay all right so that's the danger to avoid we have to we cannot provoke our children we cannot exasperate them provoke them to resentment and perpetual anger okay well then what's the destination to pursue in our verse it says bring them up in the admonition and nurture of the lord the admonition the teaching and discipline of the lord that is take them somewhere we got to take them somewhere.

Listen, someone has once said, if you never have a goal, you'll hit it every time. And can I share something with you? Of all the things that I learned about raising children, this is probably the most important thing that I ever learned. What I want to share with you right now, this is the thing that helped me the absolute most, and that is, what is my goal for my kids? how would you complete the sentence?

The goal for my children is what? Can you fill in that blank? If you cannot fill in that blank, you're not ready. You have to know where you want to take them. You have to know where you want them to be when they get to be 18, 19, 20, and they leave home, where do you want to take them? What's your destination?

You have to have a destination for your children, okay? This has got to be part of your raising children. Now, why should you have a goal in raising your children? Why should you have a goal? Well, the first thing to know is you have a goal whether you recognize it or not. Everyone's operating with a goal, right?

When you hear that woman in the store say, now stop that. If you don't stop taking everything off the shelf, then we're not going to go to McDonald's. You and I both know they're going to McDonald's, whatever that kid does, because she wants to go to McDonald's, right? I call that discipline by idle threat, by the way. I remember doing that with Calvin one time.

He's the only one we had. And we were going to go to the store and he was acting up. And I said, look, if you don't stop doing that, he was probably about, well I guess we did have Levi by this time, he was probably about four, maybe three. I said, if you don't stop that, we're not going to take you with us. We're going to leave you right here. You know what he told me?

Okay. And I wasn't going to leave him at home alone. Right? Discipline by idle threat. That's a whole other thing. Alright?

But listen, when that woman says that, you know she has a goal in her head. And that is, just quit making trouble for me. I don't want you making trouble for me. Okay? When the pastor comes home and he rips into his kids, because while he was talking to somebody, the children walked up and were interrupting him. He gets home and he says to them, Why do you insist on embarrassing me like that?

Does he have a goal in mind? sure does his goal is i don't want kids who'll embarrass me all right so you have a goal whether you recognize it or not how you respond to your kids tells me tells everyone what you want where you want them to go but we ought to have a biblical goal why a goal directs your choices as you raise your children the goal directs what you do with your children in terms of the teaching them in terms of disciplining them, it directs your choices. If you want a son who will be coordinated learning athletic skills that you think will help him later in life, you will choose to skip church and go to the tournament You will make that choice because that what you want for your son At that moment you want him to be the best right He's going to be the best in basketball, so you're going to, or wrestling, you're going to miss. Why?

Because that's what you want. If you think it's important for your daughter to be popular, that's going to direct your choices. You're going to let her wear that blouse cut down to there and that skirt slid up to there. You're going to let her make those kinds of choices because you don't want her to have to face the unpopularity. However, if your goal for your daughter is that she learn to understand life from God's perspective and live a life with regard to him, then you're going to make different choices.

You will make different choices. If you value godliness above athletic prowess, you're going to make your choices are going to reflect that. And the choices you make teach your children what's important to you. Do you hear me? The choices you make will teach your children what's important to you. All right?

Now, here's a third reason. Having a goal helps you in the long run. You can see past the trials and the hard times to what you want to accomplish. when the trials come and they come with children they come inevitably they will challenge you you can get through those trials because you know where you want to go again this is paul trip in his book age of opportunity which is a book oriented towards how do we respond or how do we raise our teenagers he says this you cannot expect that when the moment is tense and the emotions are high you'll be able to think clearly biblically and concretely you have to enter these times with your children with a pre-commitment to a concrete set of goals well said when the tensions are high unless you know where you're going you're going to say things you don't mean you're going to do things that are are are not right because you don't you're not thinking okay this is what's happening where do we want to go you're going to know it's going to be much easier to be able to figure out what you need to do in those moments if you know where you want to take your children the goal you headed for All right here another reason Pursuing a goal equips your children for life and we talk about that in a moment But when we were raising our children, what constantly went through our heads was this.

We have to equip them to live life in this world. that's what we have to do and if i have a goal if i know my goal if i know where i'm headed i'll be a lot better i'll be able better to equip them for living life okay lastly and i think the main reason why we ought to have this a goal when we raise our kids can be found in hebrews chapter 12 verses 5 through 11. Turn there and listen to what God says. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

Quoting the Proverbs now, he says, my son do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves and chastises every son whom he receives. Now the writer then tells us, it is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?

If you are left without discipline in which all have participated, then you are an illegitimate, you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we've had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them shall we not much more be subject to the father of spirits and live key verses here for they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them but he disciplines us for our good that we may share his holiness for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it why does God discipline us because he has a goal this is the way God operates with us he says I want you to share in my holiness and I want you to have peace that comes with righteous living That my goal for you So when you lose your job okay what is God doing He's bringing hardship into your life because He loves you, He's treating you as a son, and the product He wants from you losing your job is that you share in the holiness of God and you know the peaceful fruit of righteousness. That's what he wants to do.

Now that's what we need to be doing with our children. That's where we need to be heading with our children. That has to be part of our goals. What are some common goals? Okay, what are some common goals? And we as Christians often have these.

I want my child to be a success. I had to work in a factory all my life. I don't want you to have to work in a factory. Right? I want you to be a success. I want you to live a happy, comfortable life, right?

Or I want my child to be well-adjusted. There's so many crazies out there. I hope I just want them to be well-adjusted, okay? Or I want my child to get by. This usually becomes the goal for our children. We have not thought ahead to what we want them to be when they leave home. and the pace of life is so hectic that we just get we just get the children over the next hump and you don't think long range you just help them prepare for the proficiency exams or get their homework done for tomorrow get them to the next activity all that, you know how hectic life is and if you don't have a goal in mind if you don't have a goal in mind you're just going to try to get by you're just going to try to survive the week here's one I want a child who's well behaved you say wait a minute isn't that what God wants for our children well that sounds good but cut off from a biblical understanding or goal to serve Christ's kingdom this just becomes a classy way of manipulating them why do I want them to be well behaved why okay do I just want compliance to make my life easier or is there something greater at stake here and listen parents, parents listen to me let's face it a lot of times we just want our kids to behave well so life will go easy for us That is a horrible, ungodly goal.

All right? I want my child to get a good education. Oh, my. That is so prominent today. Okay? I want my kid to get a good education.

And because of those choices, we cut corners here. We do this to make sure that they get the best education they have. There's nothing wrong with a good education. Nothing wrong with that. But when that becomes your goal, you'll do things that are ungodly. I want a child I can control.

I want a child I can control. Some parents have to control everything. They're afraid of letting their kids do anything. Some parents are afraid of their children achieving independence. some parents have an idolatrous lust for everything to remain the same i hate change in my lovely family oh our family is so good i don't want any changes so i have to control everything my kids do because i hate change everything's so nice now we have a nice comfortable middle class life don't mess it up.

Right? And we're afraid of the choices our children will make. Okay? All those sorts of things. So if you want to know what your goal is, then examine your attitudes and your actions with your children and work backwards. That'll tell you what your goal is.

Why are you doing what you're doing? Why are you getting, why are you disciplining them right now? What is behind your discipline? Why are you teaching them or telling them to do this as opposed to that? Why? If you ask those kinds of questions, you'll work back to the goal.

You'll start understanding what's behind what you're doing to and with and for your children. All right? So let's talk about that destination that we have to pursue. Let's talk about that goal and some biblical foundations for that goal. Now listen to me. I cannot say this enough.

This to me was transforming. me. This was transforming for me. This helped me beyond just about everything I ever read or have read since. And, you know, whenever I lecture on this or talk about this, I'm just almost a fanatic about the goal because it is that important. All right. Can I tell you, it helped me so much.

I remember as a young dad and I had a little boy and he was about maybe a year old maybe not even a year yet And we were coming home from church and Calvin was strapped in his seat in the back and he was fussing and he was fussing and he was fussing and I was getting madder and madder and madder and I can never forget this. I reached back like this and I grabbed him right here and I pulled him up out of his seat and I let him know I did not like what he was doing. All right.

So I'm telling you right now, this changed by God's grace. This changed the way I started thinking about my kids. All right. And, you know, this this came into my life when I had three boys. so this formed the foundation of how we related to our children so let's look at this goal let's think about God's goal for our children some of you have verses on a little piece of paper when I ask you to read it please read that because I want us all to hear this and I want to build this with the scriptures Okay?

All right. Matthew chapter 5, verse 16. 5, 16. All right. 14 through 16. Let's just do that.

Oh, does it? Matthew 15, 16? On your notes? That's my fault. Change that to Matthew 5, verse 16. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works, and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

All right, what's our goal as a Christian? Everybody can say it. Our goal as a Christian is to... There we go. I'm getting a little worried here. What's the cheap end of man?

To glorify God and enjoy Him forever. Philippians 1.20 Philippians 1.20 Alright clear I know that it will not be an awful shame but with full courage I have always been pricelessly honored in my body whether by life or by death Psalm 63 is a psalm that talks about David has been chased out into the desert and he just says, I hunger and I thirst for God. So I want children who will find pleasure in God.

I want them to find pleasure in God. I want them to be able to say, Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. Alright? Matthew 28, 18-20. Jesus came and said to them, All glory in heaven and on earth be given to me.

Go therefore and make disciples of all nations. Baptize them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Teach them to observe all that I have commanded you. Behold, I am with you always to the end of the age. Alright? I want disciples of Jesus.

I want people. I want children. I want to relate to them in such a way that when they leave home, they will pursue Christ. They will want to be obedient to Christ. They will want to obey everything that Jesus has said. I want them to translate truth into life.

That's what I want for them. Okay? Hebrews 12, 10 and 11. For they disciplined us for a short time as they seemed best to us, but He disciplined us for our good. that we may share His holiness. For the moment, all discipline seems painful, rather than pleasant, but later it gives us the strength and righteousness to know His righteousness. Alright, I want them to know holiness and righteousness.

I want that to be part of their lives. I want to lead them to that. Proverbs chapter 1, verses 1 through 4. The Proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel. For gaining wisdom and instruction from their standing words of insight For receiving instruction and prudent behavior between what is and just and fair for giving prudence to those who are simple knowledge and discretion to be young Alright, I want them to be able to live a prudent and disciplined life with the ability to do what is right and just and fair.

Okay? Okay? 2 Peter chapter 1 verses 3 and 4 what? what? His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness through these he has given us his very great and precious promises so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

All right. I want them to have the ability to handle God's word for life. I want them to be able to say, wow, we have a problem and be able to open up the scriptures and say, what's the solution to that problem? What are we going to do? What does God say about it? I don't want them to grow up saying, what did dad do?

Listen, I grew up doing this and that's what you're going to do. I want them to be able to open the Bible and say, this is what our master Jesus says you're supposed to do. Right? Okay? Ezekiel 14, 1-6. Did I give that to somebody?

Okay, thank you, Andy. The servant of the elders of Israel came to me and sat before me. And the word of the Lord came to me. Son of man, these men have taken their idols into their hearts and set a stumbling block of their iniquity before their faces. Should I indeed let myself be consoled by them? Therefore speak to them and say to them, Thus says the Lord God.

Anyone of the house of Israel who takes his idols into his heart and sets a stumbling block of his iniquity before his face and yet comes to the prophet, I the Lord will answer him as he comes with a multitude of his idols, that I may lay hold of the hearts of the house of Israel who are all estranged from me through their idols. Say to the house of Israel, thus says the Lord God, repent and turn away from your idols and turn away from the faces of all your abomination. Okay, here we have the prophet saying you got idols in your heart.

You're serving idols, not outwardly, but inwardly. You need to know that you're serving idols that are in here. They're not out here. They're in your heart. Proverbs 4.23. Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the springs of life.

All right, so I want my children to have a biblical self-awareness. I want them to be able to look at their hearts and see. The reason why I got angry with my kids, they might say, is because I wanted all this quiet, and I didn't get it. That was ruling my heart. Right? I want them to be able to examine their own hearts to see what acts as the root of what they're saying and doing and thinking.

What is it that they value? Okay? What's the idol there that's moved me towards it? I want them to be able to see that and to see how their heart has strayed. And I want them to be able to do that without me showing it to them. They need to be able to do that.

And then, I don't think I gave anybody Genesis 2.24 now that I look at my notes. Did I? Genesis 2.24, the capstone of it all, where God says, Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. I want to have a positive goal of independence. A positive goal of independence. Too many parents don't want their children to be independent.

They can't let go. Now, let's put it all together. What's God's goal? What's the destination? we need to be headed for. Here's one way of putting it. I want my children to be people who glorify and enjoy God by becoming independent followers of Jesus who love God, who handle His Word profitably, who live a prudent, disciplined life, and who understand themselves biblically Now that a little bit more complicated than that says it I think pretty well What's that?

It's a real snap. Yeah, I know. I know, Levi. So here's what I always had running through my head. This is what I had running through my head. It was this.

I want godly, independent disciples who love and serve God, who love and serve their neighbor, and who can handle life by handling God's way. You say, that's not a snappy, but that's what went through my head. I want godly, independent disciples of Jesus who love and serve God, who love and serve their neighbor, and who can handle life by handling God's Word.

That's a little bit easier. But you write this one down and you memorize that or come up with another one if you can. But listen to me. That was so important for me. Every time I had to discipline my kids, I had that going through my head. All right?

Now, if you want it simpler, put it this way. All right? Instead of children who are mere successes or who seem to get pie, you have equipped them for life. I want to equip them for life. Now look, here's what's going through my head. I want my children to be independent, godly disciples, who love and serve God, who love and serve their neighbor, who can handle life by handling God's word.

My son has just done something, and my anger is up. Question, who disciplined him? What's going through my head is this. is he doing something right now that will keep him from becoming an independent godly disciple who loves God and serves God who loves and serves man and can handle life by hand in God's word or is he just being a little boy right now he's pulling the pans he's pulling all the pans or she's pulling all the pans out of the drawer or out of the cupboard do I want to get on her about that no, why not because she's not doing anything that will keep her from reaching that goal.

Alright The one I always use is like I been up half the night I got a call at 2 o in the morning I been gone to the hospital I come back I got appointments during the day it the end of the day I had 4 hours of sleep and I walk in the house and my boys are jumping on each other and I just want to say stop it Right? But I got this thing going through my head. Are they doing something right now that's going to keep them from being godly, independent, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And the answer is no. What is the problem? I'm tired. And the only reason I want to discipline them is make my life easy right now. I just want peace and quiet. I just want to go in and relax.

That's not good enough. So that's going through my head. Right? if my little girl is going upstairs and she comes home from school and she just wants to go upstairs and sit in her room for the next three hours? Is that a good thing? No, it's not. Because if you keep doing that, you're going to be off all by yourself.

You're going to be doing all that kind of stuff. And you're not going to be part of this family. You're not going to be able to minister to other people. We're going to put an end to that and you're going to come downstairs. All the time you're thinking, is this going to keep them from the goal? this affects your teaching this affects your teaching right? your kids face a bully at school are you the dad who says look son don't ever start something but if someone starts something with you make sure you finish it or am I going to say you know what Jesus says?

Jesus says you've got to love your enemy and you've got to do good to them let's figure out a way of doing good to your enemy right? so you see that goal is constantly ringing in my head because that's going to control everything I do. It's going to control what I teach them. Instead of saying, well, you know what? When I was your age, this is what my dad told me.

Well, maybe what your dad told you is stupid. And in fact, it may be the wrong thing. All right? What does God say about it? That's what's important. Right?

You know, when I was your age, I used to work at 26 degrees. I remember a Saturday when I worked. Some of you are kids. When I worked at 26 below zero we were working on the side farm to load the manure spreader and then it broke and we had to ride it out to the field at 26 below zero and unload it by hand Wow So what So what Dad Okay You know do I want you to learn to be a worker What happens when my son says like I said to my dad Dad I don want to go to work Why not My boss is terrible He really mean He makes fun of me he just, you know what he did yesterday?

He ridiculed me in front of all the other workers. He just made fun of me. You know what my dad told me? He didn't say, son, okay, let's try to find another job. He told me, go to work. Because God, you made a promise to that man.

Right? And that means you're going to work. So you go to work. And I'm so thankful for that because that's the godly thing to do. If I'd say, oh yeah, you poor boy. Am I equipping him for life? some of you folks who work at Honda, is that a good equipping for life?

Yeah, because you go to work every day and you say, oh, I don't feel like doing that. And they say, okay, what would you like to do, right? So, you've got this going through your head, I've got to equip them for life. Right? It's not going to be that way out there. I've got to equip them.

And so, the goal is going to determine everything you do. Listen to Ted Tripp. we this is this asks if you're serious about it we pander to our children's desires and wishes we teach them to find their soul's delight in going places and doing things we attempt to satisfy their lust for excitement we fill their young lives with distractions from god we give them material things and take delight in their delight in their possessions then we hope that somewhere down the line they'll see that a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving God. How serious are you about that goal?

How serious are you about that? I mean, even to the point is like things like, do I buy this for my kid? Do I buy this? Well, ask myself the question. Is this going to make them lead them to the goal? Now look, and this is what we have to see.

Everything you do with your children, for your children, and to your children must serve the goal God has given them. Everything. Everything. You say, wait a minute. I want to take my kids to the zoo tomorrow. You think that has to serve God's goal?

Absolutely. Why do I want to take them there? I want to take them to the zoo so we can have a good time. I can build my relationship with them, okay? I can build my relationship with them so that they know they can come to me when they're 16 and talk to me. I don't want to be a standoffish dad.

I want to be one who's involved in their lives. Everything I do to my children, with my children, for my children has to be guided by this goal. from everything to what do you do are you going to do your homework tonight to are you going to stay on the team you feel like quitting right now or are you going to stay on the team what serves the goal that has to be what's going through your head so then in this whole enterprise of raising children you have to be aware of the danger or beware of the danger and be aware of the destination beware of treating your children in such a way that they become angry and resentful and be aware of where you are leading them. Okay?

All right. Questions? If you have any Okay Five more seconds. All right. Well, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I hope that was helpful. I cannot tell you how much this is important how important this is having said that let's pray and we'll be dismissed Father you are our Father and you have modeled for us how we ought to be parents and so we come to you and ask that you would enlighten our minds and help us help us Father so that we will be the kind of fathers that you are to us, that we be the kind of parents that reflect the gospel.

Help us now, we pray, so that our children, so that we can lead our children to glorify God, that we can be faithful to what you've laid out for us. We thank you in Jesus' name. Amen.