Communicating For Life

All right. Good evening. Good to see you. Next week will be our last night in this series, and then we'll be back to our normal schedule again, as we mentioned this morning. I didn't mention that this morning, right? Okay.

So tonight we want to talk about different forms of communication. So before we start, let's pray, okay? Our Father, we're thankful for your mercy to us in Jesus. We are thankful that we can gather on the Lord's Day. We're thankful for the joy and the strength and the grace that we receive as we worship you. Now we pray that you would help us to understand these things so that your name will be glorified in our homes, that we will be disciples of Jesus at home.

We pray this now in Jesus' name. Amen. Pastor one day, while speaking to one of the men in his congregation, asked him, tell me about your communication with your son. And the man responded, oh, we talk okay. Just last night he told me he wanted a bicycle and I told him to eat his beans. Now, that probably describes a lot of communication between parents and their children.

Moms and dads tell their children what to do, and kids tell their parents their dreams and their wishes. Sadly, Proverbs chapter 18, verse 2, often describes, too often describes our communication as parents with our children. Proverbs chapter 18, verse 2. This proverb sticks in my head because someone pointed it out to me in a book as I was reading. And it just, it like tore into me and exposed my heart.

Proverbs 18.2, a fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his own opinions. Now too often that characterizes us as parents. We don't find any pleasure in understanding our children, but we have no problem at all telling them what we think. And so that's what we want to talk about tonight. Scriptures indicate that we have to live a life of communication if we going to have an effect on our children In fact communication is essential for every part of the Christian life And communication is necessary if we going to reach the goal that God has given us What is that goal?

That goal is this. I want my child to glorify God by becoming an independent, godly disciple who loves and serves God, who loves and serves his neighbor, and who can handle life by handling God's Word. That's our goal. And we reach that goal by exercising discipline. One rail is discipline, the other is teaching. Part of that teaching involves communication.

That is, it's not just teaching a bunch of lessons. It's a communication between the children, our children and us. And so that's what we want to talk about tonight. It's part of that rail of, it's part of that teaching rail, if you will. One of those two necessary rails, but it's something that's necessary for us in that teaching. now remember what Ephesians 6 4 has told us fathers do not exasperate your children or provoke them to anger rather bring them up in the admonition and nurture of the Lord those the two rails the admonition the teaching and the discipline of the Lord now we reach that goal partly by communicating Proverbs chapter 23 verse 22 listen to your father who gave you life and do not despise your mother when she is old.

Proverbs chapter 23 verse 26. My son give me your heart and let your eyes keep to my ways. Proverbs 23 again chapter 23 verse 29. Listen my son and be wise and keep your heart on the right path. So it talks about listening. Give me your heart.

Listen to your father. So tonight we want to talk about, expand a little bit on that second rail, that rail of teaching. We want to expand a little bit on that and talk about communication. All right. God says that you have to understand the purpose of communication. What is that purpose?

Why should we do it? One thing is you have to communicate so that you can understand your child, understand your children. Alright, I want to camp here for a little bit. Proverbs chapter 18 verse 13 says He who answers before he listens that is his folly and his shame He who answers before he listens that is his folly and his shame How often do our kids want to say something to us and we cut them off?

We're not interested in hearing what they have to say. We just want to tell them what we think. Or Proverbs 18.15, the heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, the ears of the wise seek it out. when my kids get into a fight. I need to find out what's going on in their hearts. I need to understand what's motivating them. And more to the point, they need to understand what's motivating them.

Proverbs chapter 20, verse 5. The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. If I'm going to be a parent of understanding, I have to learn to draw out my children's hearts. I have to get to the deep waters of their hearts and draw that out. I have to learn how to do that. Okay, so your objective in communication is not merely to express your thoughts, but to draw out the thoughts of your children.

Okay, let me say that again. Your objective in communication is not merely to express your thoughts, but to draw out the thoughts of your children, getting inside them, getting to their hearts. Your objective in communication must not be only to tell your children how you feel about a particular thing, or what they have done, or what they have said, but you must try to understand what's going on inside of them.

Now again, this is a truism in Scripture. Proverbs chapter 4 verse 23, guard your heart for out of it are the streams of life. Matthew chapter 15, if you want to turn there, Jesus made a big deal out of this. And this is important for every part of our Christian life. Matthew 15, verse 10, And he called the people to him and said to them, hear and understand.

It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth This defiles a person Then the disciples came and said to him do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this saying He answered every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be rooted up Let them alone they are blind guides And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit. But Peter said to him, explain the parable to us. And he said, are you also still without understanding?

Or as the NIV says, are you still so dull? Which is a really good translation. do you not see that whatever goes into the mouth passes into the stomach isn't and is expelled but what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart and this defiles a person for out of the heart come evil thoughts murder adultery sexual immorality theft false witness slander these are what defile a person but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone interesting what we want to do often time is to get on our children's behavior. And Jesus is saying behavior is not the main issue.

Okay, listen carefully. Behavior is not the main issue. And don't hear don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm not saying that behavior is not an issue. I'm saying it's not the most important issue. If one son cleans the clock of another, or your daughter is just being just, you know, catty toward her sister, it's not just the behavior that you're after.

Yeah, you deal with it. You got to get to the heart. Because Jesus says here, all these things that we see on the outside, right? Murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. He could go on and on. every one of those is motivated by what's going on in the heart something i want okay in my counseling ministry this is what i'm always asking i'm always trying to find out someone is struggling in an area or they've done something we don't we we don't do anything out of duty you've heard me say that we do it out of the desires of our heart i want to know what the payoff is that's how i think of it what's the payoff when you sin you're giving into a desire that desire says do this and you'll be satisfied.

What's the payoff? What kind of satisfaction do you get? When one brother cleans the clock of another, there's a reason for that. What's the payoff? What do I get from that? What's motivating that?

I have to get to, I have to get to the heart, not just the behavior. And listen, when, when Beck and I got of this. This was real important to us. And again, it's one of those transforming truths that caused us to think a little more deeply about our kids and to try to understand why they did what they did. I love the story that Ted Tripp in Shepherding a Child's Heart tells about the boy whose parents bought him sneakers.

Okay? How many of you remember me telling that story? Okay. I'll tell it then because not less than half of you raised your hand. Because this perfectly illustrates it. It illustrates it to me because this is what I would do.

So they go out and buy this boy his sneakers and they come home and he's grumping around. He doesn't like them. Now, just like this dad, his dad says to him, what is wrong with you? You ought to be thankful. We're not going to buy $400 sneakers for you. These are just as good.

They'll do just fine. And of course, this is what I would say. You need to be thankful, you ungrateful wretch, because the Bible says, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Now, if that's the end of it, I've been a Proverbs 18.2 dad. I haven't understood him at all. So this man says to his son, instead of jumping all over him, like I would have, he says to him, what's wrong with these sneakers?

And the boy says, because the kids at school that wear these kind of sneakers are called nerds and whatever, whatever the going term is now. What is it? A what? Loser. They're called losers. Okay.

They're losers. All right. So here's the point. ingratitude is not the issue with this boy is it it's not ingratitude it's the fear of man he needs help with the fear of man not with gratitude you see and so that's why we have to get to the heart what we do too often is jump all over the behavior without seeking to find out what's happening so when your child sins you have an opportunity to learn their struggles with sin and help them, and you need to develop skill in probing the heart.

Okay? So you ask things like this. Why did you hit your sister? And what's the answer you're going to get? What's the answer you're going to get? Why did you hit your sister?

She what? Yeah it was her fault What another one The most common one I don know I don know And then you know I won tell you what you feel like And of course, she doesn't understand because you're asking questions she doesn't understand because she doesn't know the workings of her heart. You've got to help her figure it out. Right? You've got to get there.

You've got to start asking some questions. Not, why did you do that? What were you thinking? What do you get from that? What was your desire? What did you want?

Questions like that. You start finding out what's going on in the heart. Because it's the heart that motivated that action. So remember this. you want to not just get to the heart, you want to help them understand their own hearts. Help them understand why they did it. Okay?

All right, so you communicate for the purpose of understanding your children. Remember, the purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. Okay? you got to communicate for the purpose of imparting god's truth to the heart you not only understand their hearts but you have to communicate god's answers for their struggle so the little boy who's struggling with the sneakers doesn't want to be a loser this is a little guy who needs to understand that the fear of man proverbs um can't remember the reference now the fear of man is a snare the fear of man is a snare the fear of man is a trap and you'll be held by that so you have to help them understand how to deal with the fear of man you got to communicate with them what god says what are god's promises what is god's truth.

You shepherd their hearts. You're after their hearts to win them for Christ. Okay? So here's the purposes. You need to understand your children and you need to reach their hearts with God's truth. All right?

What types of communication should you learn and use? What are the various types of communication Turn to 1 Thessalonians chapter 5 verse 14 Now this is not a parenting verse but it an illustration of what kind of communication we need 1 Thessalonians chapter 5 verse 14 And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the faint-hearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. Now what we see here is that you don't have a cookie-cutter approach to communication.

Idle people need to be admonished. Fainthearted people need to be encouraged. Weak people need help. And everybody needs patience. Okay? So there are different kinds of communication.

Paul's point is that different conditions in the hearer require different forms of communication. Alright? Right? Different conditions in the hearer require different kinds of communication. It's not all the same communication. Too often what we do is we have one form of communication that is do what I say, and if you don't, I'm going to get after you.

And that's it. And there are many different... The little boy, the little seven-year-old who's disheveled in his appearance does not need to be rebuked because his hair is uncombed. He needs to be taught how to make his appearance the way it ought to be. He doesn't need rebuke. He needs instruction.

So different conditions require different forms of communication. And too often, we don't do that. Here's what I see in parents. Too often, we know how to bark, and that's about it. always barking at our kids. We're always saying something to them. And about the only time we do say something to them is when they're doing something wrong.

And by the way, oftentimes it seems like they're doing everything wrong. So all they're doing is barking all night long. All right. There are different forms of communication. Okay. So communication must be very fit for different needs for example we need to use encouragement Romans 15 13 talks about encouragement when it says to us may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace and believing so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope we need to be encouraged children need communication designed to give them hope Everyone needs hope A child without hope gives up A child who has no hope eventually just gives up That's how you take the wind out of their sails.

There's no hope. The only thing they get from you is bark, bark, bark, and so they lose hope because it doesn't seem they can do anything right. and they just get tired of it. They need to understand that God draws near to the brokenhearted and contrite and that Christ came to change sinful and needy people. They need to be encouraged that way. Our children need to understand the promises of God.

Do we teach them? We're really big on the commandments. How about the promises? What are the promises that God makes? Encourage them with the promises. Sometimes they need correction.

2 Timothy 3, verses 16 and 17, speaking of the word of God says all scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, correcting or convicting. I lost my train of thought is useful for teaching, convicting. Thank you. Correction and training in righteousness. Correction is the third word. Correction tells one that he's wrong and what has to be done to correct the problem.

Okay, when you look at 2 Timothy 3, 16 and 17, it gives kind of a, it says, the word of God teaches us what's wrong. It convicts us, that is, we see that we're wrong. It corrects us, that is, it tells us we're wrong and then tells us what to do about it and it trains us in righteousness, that is, it gives us the details so we know how to continue on on the right course.

So the third word, correction, it's not just telling them they're wrong. It's telling them what has to be done to correct the problem. So correction gives your child insight into what is wrong. It gives them insight so that they know what to do to conform to God's standard. There often is rebuke. Revelation 3.19 Jesus talking to one of the churches says those whom I love I rebuke rebuke censures behavior rebuke censures behavior sometimes our children must experience our sense of alarm and shock and dismay at what they have done or what they have said.

And sometimes what your children do require is a stern rebuke. Alright? They require a stern rebuke. What they've done is like, Whoa! You don't ever want to do that again. Okay?

Here's one that particularly is striking to me. You find it in Isaiah chapter 65. Here is God describing Himself to a rebellious nation. Israel is rebellious and this is how God addresses this rebellious nation I was ready to be sought by those who did not ask for me I was ready to be found by those who did not seek me I said here am I here am I to a nation that was not called by my name I spread out my hands all the day to a rebellious people who walk in a way that is not good, following their own devices.

See what he says? He says, I just hold out my arms, and I beg them, come home. See? This is a very, this is earnest and intense. It involves pleading, soliciting, urging, even begging. But it's not the begging of a beggar. it's not the begging of a beggar but rather the pleading of a father or a mother who understands his child and the ways that he's in the ways of the child and the ways of God and the extremity of the problem it's pleading and saying please this is the way to go it's like when you plead with your sons about the danger of pornography you want them to understand it you plead with them about that.

Proverbs 23, 26, remember where the writer says, my son, give me your heart. Give me your heart. There's times for when we need to do that, when we have to plead with our children. Okay. There's instruction. Oh, I'm sorry.

I missed that one. Entreaty. Okay. Entreaty, pleading with them. Use instruction. Instruction is the process of providing a lesson, precept or information that will help your child understand his world his God and himself This is the three things I always keep in my head If we going to understand everything properly there are three things we need to understand We need to understand our God we need to understand our world, and we need to understand ourselves.

If you get those three and use biblical categories in those areas of understanding, you'll have the ability to understand what's going on. Okay? I need to understand, we need to understand our God, our world, and ourselves. And our children have large gaps in their understanding of life, and they need a framework by which they can understand their life.

A friend of ours, well, Pat, Pat Petit, was at our place last night. He'd come up to visit, and so Beck and I entertained him for a while. Or we were entertained. Have your own look at it. Pat, at one point, said, I always found it interesting that sitting around your table, the discussions were often intentional, and a lot of times intense, talking about things. and part of that is because we had gotten into the habit of talking about our god our world and ourselves because i was real intent on my children having a biblical understanding of everything so that they could think critically and i thought that was an interesting comment because you know what they have large gaps in their understanding they haven't lived in this world and they don't know the scriptures like you do and your one has to instruct them and give them the framework for understanding the world and understanding life i can remember calvin coming home from his first week of roofing he worked for mike's roofing calvin and levi both worked for mike's roofing and calvin coming home and talking about the hopelessness of the guys he worked with Not the fact that they were workers and he was going to college and he didn't have to do that if he went to college.

That wasn't the issue at all. The issue was these guys are really hopeless. The only thing they do is they work hard so they can get enough money so they can get drunk on the weekend and come back And he said man that just a hopeless existence And we had some good conversations about that He had an understanding right He had an understanding of what was going on.

Use warning. Warning. Life presents many dangers, and warnings put us on guard against those dangers. It alerts us to danger while there's still time to escape unharmed. okay we need to be warning our children the proverbs are filled with them let me just give you a couple here proverbs 12 24 laziness ends in slave labor laziness ends in slave labor that's that's a great warning isn't it you want to be lazy great but if you're lazy you're going to end up working in ways you don't want to proverbs 13 18 he who ignores discipline comes to poverty and shame.

So, son, if you ignore discipline, I'll tell you what's going to happen. You'll probably end up poor and in a shameful way in life. Proverbs 16, 18. Pride goes before destruction. All right? Pride goes before destruction.

That's a great warning. Proverbs 15, 1. A harsh word It stirs up anger. All right? So the Proverbs are filled with warnings. The Bible is filled with warnings.

We need to give our children warnings. And the best thing to do is to fill their heads with scriptural warnings. Right? Some of the greatest warnings of all. Don't believe in Jesus? What happens?

Eternal damnation. Big warning there. They need to know that. They need to hear the warnings of scripture in their minds. Okay? So these are various ways of communicating with our children.

Use them. And by the way, this becomes easier. This is not so hard. It will come naturally if you work hard at building a relationship with your children. If you work hard at being a vital part of their lives and loving them and laughing with them and disciplining them and showing how much you love them, these sorts of things become more natural But they won be if you not building a relationship with your children It is so important Relationship is everything And so they're going to listen if they know you love them.

Now this means that you have to embrace a lifetime of communication. Or I should say, I gave the wrong heading there. Make it embrace a life of communication. Embrace a life of communication. Communication has to become a lifestyle for you. Okay?

You have to commit yourself to a lifetime of communication. Now, we all know Deuteronomy 6, 4 through 9, right? Here, Israel, the Lord our God is one. The Lord is God. The Lord our God is one. And you shall teach these commandments to your heart.

Put them on your heart. You'll put these commandments on your heart. You will teach them to your children as you walk along the way, as you rise, as you sit down. The idea there is you're talking, you're communicating with your children every day of life. It's a normal part of everyday life, day in and day out. In other words, this is just something that happens naturally because you're together.

Communication not only disciplines, but it disciples. communication not only disciplines but it disciples and if we follow the pattern given in deuteronomy 6 you not only talk with your children when something is wrong but you're making a regular habit of talking with your children it's a regular part of your life and a regular habit of talking prepares the way for talking when things are strained when things are strained it's going to it's going to prepare the way so that when things start getting tense you at least you have a pattern of communication there you know how to talk to this son or daughter of yours and if you make talking a regular habit then you will begin to understand and plumb the depths of their hearts if communication is a normal part of your life then you'll be able to get to their hearts. Okay? So, you commit yourself to a life of communication so you can shepherd their hearts.

With this kind of communication, you'll understand the motivation. the goals, the wants, the desires, the lusts of their own hearts. And you can teach them how their hearts function, and you can teach them what to do with their straying hearts. You'll be able to meet them at the most profound levels of their existence, if this is a regular part of your life.

You won't be able to shepherd their hearts, you won't be able to get to their hearts, if talking to you is a strange thing, or if you talking to them is a strange thing. This gives you the ability to shepherd their hearts. And then, it's going to cost you. It's going to cost you. One thing, it's going to cost you time. It will cost you time.

Insightful and penetrating conversations take time. they don't happen on the fly this business about quality time as opposed to quantity is hogwash without quantity there's no quality you're not going to have insightful penetrating conversations just five minutes a day someone said something to me recently I can't remember who it was. Someone mentioned to me that someone did a study that the normal amount of conversation between parents and children is about eight minutes a day now. Okay?

Don't let that be true with you. It's going to take time. Okay? It's going to take time. And that means, okay, if it's going to take time, you've got to make time. Sometimes that means, a lot of times it means you turn off the television.

You know, here's another thing. You know how you can make time? You determine, and this doesn't have biblical authority, okay? This is just one way you can make time. You determine that every night you'll have supper together. As much as you can, you have supper together. and in the summer hopefully as many meals as you can but sitting around that table talking is so important is so important make the time turn off the television and sit around and talk It's going to cost you time.

It's going to mean that you are going to have to be a good listener. Don't be a parent who's like the fool who delights in airing his own opinions but does not delight in understanding. okay become a good listener you must enter their world and by the way let me just say this being a good listener doesn't just mean you talk to them about their hearts when they've done something wrong okay it means you talk to them about everything and get to their hearts you talk about what's going on at school okay you talk about their music you talk about their thoughts what do they think about this issue you just talk about you got to be a good listener you've got to listen to them it's going to cost you it's going to require the grace of god because this this is this requires physical and spiritual stamina And that's going to require the grace of God. I understand something about the physical.

In the day when my boys were wrestling, they would have tournaments that would start Friday night at 5, typically go till 10. And then Saturday starting at 9 and going till 10 on Saturday. And I used to tell people, if you want a taste of eternity, go to a wrestling tournament. They were that long. They don't do that anymore. They've changed the format.

But that was crazy. And of course, when they were done wrestling on Saturday, they still had the juices going. Their adrenaline was still going. So I can remember Saturday night staying up until midnight, 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock on Sunday morning. And it was just hard. but that was when they wanted to talk I mean they were juiced so make the most of it My friend Dave Durnland of course Dave boys were wrestling at national and international meets when they were in high school but they were kind of nuts But he talks about staying in hotels and working on his sermons in the hotel bathrooms.

Because they would be getting home Sunday like 3 o'clock and 4 o'clock in the morning and he had to be ready to go. So anyway, it's going to take physical stamina. It is. It's going to take the grace of God. It's also going to take mental stamina because you've got to stay focused. You've got to be interested in what they're saying.

Too many parents just aren't interested. And they're, you know, what did you say, son? And their minds are off somewhere else. You've got to stay focused. You have to keep your thoughts focused on the important matters that they're talking about. It requires integrity.

This is going to require integrity because if you're in the habit of talking with them, and which means if you're making time to talk with them it means you're living with them if you're living with them they see you and you had better be willing to own up to your sin or you're talking is just going to be nothing but hypocrisy when you sin not just against them but when they witness you sin you need to tell them that you what you did was wrong okay so let's you don't sin against your kids, but you're driving down the highway and somebody cuts you off and you just have coming out of your mouth and they're sitting there watching the whole thing. What are you going to do about that? You have to say something about that.

Okay. You got to live a life of integrity. And listen, that means also you have to be willing to share the joy and comfort you found in God that you have found in God. The promises that you know, the promises of forgiveness that He makes. This kind of communication requires availability. If you're going to have this kind of communication, you have to be available.

Which takes us to this last point, and I think it's very important, and that is this kind of communication means that parenting is your primary task. You say, all right, wait a minute there. Are you saying this is more important than my job? Well, yes. Yes, it is. You know what?

I've become convinced of this. It means you cannot do the things you might want to do It means you do have to say if I take that promotion it going to take me away from my family And I can't do that. I can't do that. It means that your house will not look like the ones in the magazines. Because if you want to spend time with your kids, that means you can't be cleaning your house all the time to make the perfect house. you're going to have to put the dust rag down and sit down and talk to your kids.

Of course, some moms are smarter than that. They give the kids the dust rags too. But they do that. That's good. But then you better make time to sit with them and talk with them. It means that you can't develop every interest or opportunity that comes your way.

And you know what? How do I know this? because Luke 9.23 says, if you're going to be my disciple, Jesus said, you've got to what? Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me. I don't live for myself anymore, and that's particularly true if you're a parent. I wish I remembered who said this to me, because it profoundly affected me. Somebody in the faith, somebody in ministry once said to me, Tim, never forget this you will have a greater influence on the next generation with the six warriors sitting around your table than you will preaching to 150 people every week it sounds like Dave Durnland the term warriors is a Dave term but you're going to have more impact on the next generation with the six warriors sitting around your table than you will preaching to 150 people a week So don't lose that.

Don't lose that. And so this becomes a primary task, your primary task. All right? This has to be it. All right. Let me just say this, though.

A lifetime of communication produces great blessings. It provides the cement to hold the parent and the child together. Children know when they have a relationship with someone who understands them. They know when they have a relationship with someone who understands them and who loves them and are committed to help them. They know that. And those kind of kids will not leave home to find understanding with somebody else. group.

Those kind of kids are not going to be running off somewhere else because they just don't understand me. Now don't get me wrong, our children always say to us we don't understand them and frankly sometimes we don't. However, when they know that you're wanting to understand them and that you love them and want to help them, they know that. Because this kind of communication seeks to understand them and provides answers that meets them at their deepest levels, their most profound levels of existence.

Alright? Now, it's going to produce then this relational cement. They will want to be with you. Here's something I think that's helpful. Alright? This is in your notes there.

Alright? So, here's the authority, here's the influence. Authority. That is to say, raw power. When I start out with my kids, there's raw power. I'm bigger, smarter, and faster, and stronger than them.

Alright? I can get them to do what I want. But the thing is, the older they get, the less that plays into our relationship. Because at some point, they're bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than you. Okay? However, if this kind of...

You're not going to be able, as your child grows, you can't control him through raw authority or power. All right? However, if you've developed the lifetime of communication, your influence will grow. Your influence will grow. All right? So, when they begin life, right, you're the big bad wolf. you're the one that they're scared of and they'll do what you tell them to do but when they get older from big bad wolf you want to be most trusted counselor when they're about ready to leave you want them to see you as their trusted counselor your influence has grown so that just talking to them will influence them and so you have a 16 year old who willingly responds to your influence Okay Listen to Ted Tripp While I am limited in what I can accomplish through the raw use of authority, my son is willingly under my influence.

In this chart, influence represents the willingness of a child to place himself under authority because of trust. This trust has several elements. Children trust you when they know you love them and are committed to their good, and when they know you understand them, when they know you understand their strengths and weaknesses, when they know that you have invested yourself in encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning, understanding, teaching, and prayer.

When a child knows that all his life you have sought to see the world through his eyes, and that you have not tried to make him like you or like anyone, but a creature God made to know him, and live in the relationship of fellowship and communication with God for which he was made, he will trust you. The result is obvious. Your words have weight. What child would walk away from such a relationship?

You have influence with him. Each day you live with your children, your influence grows. So keep this in mind. I want to relate and communicate and live with my children in such a way that as authority goes down, influence goes up. Okay? Now, this kind of communication prepares them for every other relationship because you're dealing with issues at the deepest level.

You're going to prepare them for every other relationship they're going to have. And it enables them to understand the complexities of life. Again, this kind of communication is dealing with the most profound things of life and therefore they'll be able to understand. They'll be able to be wise and understand the complexities of life. This kind of communication gives them a redemptive understanding of life.

That is, they'll be able to see how Jesus fits into the picture. And how he's at work. And then finally, this kind of communication helps them achieve independence. It helps them achieve independence. They have the grid by which they can understand all the events of life without you having to provide direction and correction. Again, this is what we mean when we say this.

I want them to become independent godly disciples who can handle life by handling the word of God Because you communicated with them because you built a life of communication with them they now have learned things at profound levels and they wise and they can think through the complexities of life okay so you need to hear what your children are saying saying do you understand them or at least have you made the attempt to understand them are you able to give them the answers to life and to the heart struggles they experience and then lastly if we would raise our children for god we have we must have the ability to listen listen to them and to communicate truth to them alright very good I hope this has been helpful I hope you understand a little bit more about what's involved in parenting yet there may be some questions so let's see whoa we have five minutes for questions okay well all right okay Jackie Well, I think there's the first clue, and that is you've got to be able to say to yourself, they'll never be the same. I want to interact with them so that they'll be better. Right?

Because listen, you know, our kids are hearing and seeing things, and that's why. And number one Jackie number one I would say this We got to tell ourselves don be shocked at anything we hear And so the first thing is try not to gasp You say a quick prayer in your head, oh God, please help me right now. What's my face look like? But then you've got to take that apart biblically. you've got to say alright that happened what does that say so for example they come and they tell you something horrible that their friend has done or been involved in and they've somehow have heard about it or been exposed to it you've got to take this is my mind working now okay I've got to take that apart I've got to say why did that happen what's going on there What does the Bible say about just things like this, the shaping influences in your friend's life, the fact that we're born sinners who live in a sinful environment, who respond sinfully to what other sinners do to them.

I want to use that as a building block to give them a worldview so that they understand the evil in the world. Am I making sense here? I want to be able to take what they give me and be able to think critically through that from a biblical viewpoint. And give them that viewpoint. Because they're going to be exposed to things that we weren't. But on the other hand, let me just say this.

Always remember this. Let's not tell our kids they're facing things we never did. Because 1 Corinthians 10.13 says there's no temptation that's overtaking you. up what's common to man. And I think we take hope away from our children by telling them things like, oh, we never faced anything like you did. Yeah, we did. So am I answering your question?

Okay. All right. Good. Any other questions? Steve? I tell them I don't know and then I have to think about it.

And you'll probably, they'll forget then? Well, then I got to write it down so I can bring it up with them again. I think we can't give our kids. No jobs. The older kids. Don't give no jobs to any kids, but especially the older ones.

Don't try to bluff your way through. You've got to say, I've got to think about that. That's, I don't know. Okay. I saw another hand somewhere. Was it yours, Levi?

Yeah, I mean, so the listening versus, maybe I should do this. Like listening and refuting and warning. I guess my question is the balance between those things. Because when I'm listening, a lot of times, it's like, do I need to address that? Do I need to address that? Do I need to address that?

My initial response is, as soon as something comes up that I want to warn against or refute them or correct, Yeah, so. Yeah, yeah. I think what we need to do is this. Number one, we need to be long on listening and not just jumping as soon as something hits the table. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. Okay, let's just get the whole, let's let that sentence end.

Let's let them talk. And I think one of the things, okay, two things. Number one, you may see, how can I put this? When you're getting to your children's hearts, the different things that you see may have a common root. All right? They may have a common root.

I'm trying to think of an example here, Levi. Our hard idolatry, we are devoted to certain desires and idols, and some of them are characteristic for us. Okay, so for me, fear of man is something that I know I have to battle. I don't like conflict. My great desire, I have a lustful desire for peace. That is everything going my way.

That the definition of peace Everything go in the way I want it to And that finds expression in avoiding conflict It finds expression in worry It finds expression in other things So one of the things we have to do is to listen to them and ask questions and see is there a common desire that at the root of all of this Because this is a counseling principle Too often what we do is we end up stamping out fires when we can go closer to the source and deal with these things by getting here Am I making sense? So my fear of man gives expression to all these different things. I need to deal with that.

I need to learn how to love better. I need to learn how to trust God more. And so oftentimes we're jumping and we're stamping out fires when we should be listening and asking questions to get to those characteristic desires. Because all of us tend to have a cluster of idols that's ours, okay? So that's the first thing. The second thing is, which has the most ripple effects?

That is to say, I can go after everything, but why don't I go after the problems that have the most ripples? So that's what I want to do. I say, well, that's not right, that's not right, and that's not right. But that's going to have the most ripples. If we deal with that, it may help in other areas. Am I making sense?

I'm talking in generalities, but we have to flesh that out practically. But I think that's one of the ways that we do that, that we can do that. Answer your question, Levi? Follow-up. Yeah, I guess the follow-up is, if I know the reason I think I know those things are, that are at the core, and still in the first response, Just hear it. Is that it?

Is that it? Okay, so... It'll still be long listening. Yeah, it'll still be long listening, but take a longer view of how to deal with the problem. Say, okay, let's study this together. Let's have you work through this together.

Let me give you some... Let's not call it homework. Let's call it projects for the sake of their sanity. You know? Here's some projects to do, in which you try to get them to put that into practice. I think sometimes we just have to...

You got to counsel them basically You got to counsel them and come alongside And sometimes you need to say well you know we talked about that I want you to think about what you just said and think about the root causes that we're talking about. I want you to think about that. Let me actually get them to do things next week. Okay, next week. I want you to keep a journal of upsets.

I want you to write down whenever you get upset and answer four questions. What triggered it? What did you want? What triggered it? What did you do? what were you thinking, what did you want? I mean, there's just something you can give them.

Give them something to work so that they can see that. And of course, this is for older kids. I'm not going to give a journal of upsets to my second grader. Right? I'd be tempted, but I wouldn't. Okay, Mary?

What about a child that maybe doesn't want to communicate? That when there's something wrong, it just goes shut down, and they don't have any options, I just know. Yeah. Yeah. Depending on their age, you know, sometimes you can say, this is foolish to keep this from your mom, unless you tell me there are consequences. Now again, the rod imparts wisdom.

That may seem like, oh, but the rod imparts wisdom. When they're older, now we're talking more influence. And in those situations, I think sometimes you've got to say, I know something's bothering you. I can remember one particular instance in my life as a dad. There's something bothering you, and it's obvious you don't want to talk about it. And you know what?

God's given you parents to help you think through these things. I don't know what it is, but I really want you to tell me. I'm not going to tell anybody else. This isn't going to be a matter of discussion in the family, but let's you and I talk. would you please tell me you know I love you and sometimes that's not going to work and I have to trust God for it then I'm not going to say to my 16 year old bathroom pal you know it's not going to it's not going to be effective and so and listen you I would say well that's what I would say you know hey we got a relationship here you're my son I'm your dad you need to tell me did that help answer your question okay yeah Stacy yeah Okay Yeah Stacy Yeah As what, Stacy?

Right. It's different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think...

Yeah, and you know what? That, again, you've got to have a relationship. You've got to understand how he communicates. And when you say that and trains come out, you're thinking, okay, what's the connection there? Why did he say that? And you've got to explore it.

But I think, I don't think that there is a cookie cutter answer for that other than you've got to know your child. So whether, you know, it's a special needs child or any other child, I got to know them. And, you know, and part of this is just, you know, figuring it out over the long haul, right? It's more challenging. Okay. Alright, well, you know, when I'm getting an avoidance thing, and I know that, I need to say, son, it appears to me you don't want to talk about this.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Now look. Yeah, and Stacy, here's the thing. Here's the thing that's helped me in situations like that with some kids who have some special needs, and that is this is where I start. I always start with this.

Do they know the difference between right and wrong? That's my base of operations. That's where I always start. And so if he's telling me trains and I know that he's avoiding it, That means he knows that he is doing something to throw you off the track. No pun intended. That was totally unscripted.

And so there's, I think, you know... In my experience, that's the point of connection right there, that right and wrong. Son, I know that you're trying to avoid this. Yeah, and again, sometimes I've got to work with that a little more to make sure. So, Jeremy. Jeremy. there's something wrong with it.

Obviously he's not going to tell us what it is. And that just, I mean, you have to be involved enough to recognize patterns, to recognize behaviors, to recognize symptoms. Yeah. And I think, again, Jeremy, you just hit on a key issue again. You've got to be involved enough to know. And sadly... you know what I asked Andy Green today if they ever prayed when they were young parents God give Kelly a girl that's just like her And I know the husband's going to have to deal with it, but...

On two fronts. What's that? Show us, Andy. Anyway the key is again you got to be involved You got to know your kids you got to be involved and and i think that um again i can emphasize that enough folks i have seen so so many parents who don't know their kids because they are so busy with their careers they're so busy with all kinds of stuff. And so it's sad.

And again, I'm not kidding when I say your career does not take precedence over your children. You know, it's got to be involved. Okay. Anybody else? Okay. Well, we'll be dismissed then in prayer.

And again, Lord willing, let me just plead with you. Yeah, this is just kind of an outline form and stuff. But think about these things carefully for the sake of your children and the testimony of Jesus. All right, let's pray. Thank you, Father, for tonight. Thank you for the privilege it is to look into your word. we're thankful that you are God who has not left us without answers we just pray that you make us the kind of people who search them out who seek to understand your word and who seek to be wise who are not just content with learning the facts of scripture but will not give up until we see how it intersects with life grant it we pray now in Jesus name Amen