Two Becoming One

In 2006, we relocated to Kentucky from New York City. Earlier in January of 2006, Brad Bigney, who is a good friend of mine and the lead pastor of Grace Fellowship Church, where we serve and worship, asked if I would consider moving to Kentucky to serve in student ministry, and I was humbled and I was honored, and I was blessed to be asked and was so not going to move to Kentucky, because as far as I was concerned, that was way past Jersey. And I didn't really know.

Like I was, it was just, the whole time up until that point in my life, I had never lived more than four miles from where I've ever grown up. I don't know if that, is that you? Anybody here? So literally four miles from where I grew up. I moved from apartment 4J to 6F when I was three. And then from there, I lived with some guys from our church, Three of us split an apartment.

One got married. Then we rented out that room for a while to a lot of wackos. And then someone else got married, and my wife and I ended up getting the apartment. We lived there. Then we moved somewhere else. And now I'm being asked to move to Kentucky.

Long story short, came to Kentucky, visited. Really felt like the Lord might be calling us. Thought we could really do that. Really loved biblical counseling. Loved small groups. Loved what Grace Fellowship was about.

Memorial Day 2006, we roll into Kentucky with our minivans and all our stuff, and we move there. We moved to an apartment for two years. Our goal was actually to rent for a little while, get to know the area, and then figure out real estate, because I was just assuming many people in New York City never owned property, ever. They just die renting. My mom will die renting.

That's just a very, very, very normal thing. And now, there's this thing called real estate and homes and a mortgage that literally, as a pastor, I just thought, one of the, like, we don't take about poverty, per se, but I wasn't going to own real estate in New York. So I just thought, I didn't know anything about it. So I wanted to get to know the area, figure out real estate, mortgages, homes, bush hogs, and figure out what life was like.

And we were hoping and praying to move into a home in two years. Let's just settle into the area, settle into church. literally two years to the day, we moved into our first house. I like to say our first home Apartments can be homes you guys okay We moved into our first house But leading up to that there was a guy in the church who was he worked for the builder and he said, listen, there's a home that you may like.

I heard you're looking for a home. He said, I'm not a realtor, I get nothing. I work for the builder, I just, so no pressure, you can hate it and leave, it's fine. But you might want to check this home out. I can tell you it's a solid home. It's from a very good builder.

He said, it's a solid home, small, great starter home, good for you and your family you might want to check it out. Sure. He goes okay. So he gives me the key he gives me the key and just says to stop on by after you, one night, we had a Tuesday or Wednesday night thing. So here I am going into this home with the key. First I pull up to the wrong home, that was not cool because you can get arrested, shot, any number of things so you know and you get into your I get into my car, I go up to the right home and I'm calling Sarah, Sarah's home at the time Jonathan is a baby he's one I don't think you were pregnant no, Jonathan was one, so it's Justin and Jonathan and Sarah's home, she's like well describe it to me and I'm a dude I know five colors and I just add an ish or an eeny to those colors, it's a bluish greeny it's a so I'm walking through the house and I'm on my cell phone and I'm like well telling her all sorts of super helpful things.

They've got a living room, and they've got a kitchen, and in that kitchen is a stove, and the bathrooms are equipped with toilets. All of that's, I recognize this furniture. Said there was an arched doorway. That was kind of, I felt really cool because I noticed the arch. There was a little arched doorway. But that's it.

I can't describe it. She said, what's it like outside? I was like, oh, it's hard to tell because it's dark, but when we walk outside, she's like, is there a lawn? It's new construction. Is there a lawn? And I said, there's actually not.

And it's really weird because there's a home on either side and they have these lush and beautiful lawns, but the grass here is just dead. It's just dead. She's like, that's odd. What do you mean? She's like, you should ask Brian about that. I was like, yeah, I'm gonna.

It's just dead. Just walking on it. I said, it literally crunches beneath my feet. And she said, like, hey, And I said, yeah. She said, like straw? I said yes you seen this Okay yes so you know this And she said that straw sweetie They put seed down And I can't see her, but I just picture her eyes are closed, and she's just thinking, I have so settled in marrying this man.

And she said, that's straw, sweetie. And I vividly remember, she slowed down so I would get it, right? So she said, they overseed, and she paused, and then they put straw down. That's how they, that's what they do. She's speaking really slowly because I'm an idiot. So, and I was like, oh, because I'm like, this is unacceptable.

Maybe we could get some, we could get some of the, we can get the price knocked down, what with all this dead grass. It's supposed to be a new home. It's unused. Somehow the grass is used. It's dead. Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. and I just didn't get it.

I didn't get it. We get the house. We buy the house. We move in and now it's like, all right, I'm going to learn grass. All right? I don't know much about grass but just you, let's go big or go home, bro.

So this is, more grass? Watch this grass. So, then a friend comes by and he says, he said, Peter, I could grow grass out of the bed of my truck if I watered it up. Kind of true. Like this is not rocket science, dude. Put down a bunch of seed, water the heck out of it.

Whatever you spend in watering is cheaper than what you'll have to spend to correct something later from some, just water it. Just water it. And that's what I did. I watered the heck out of it. You have no idea. I had my sprinkler set up.

I had a system. I can like now I have a system for things and which Sarah loves like not at all, but put this over here at this time. The sun's coming over here. It's like, just water the stupid grass. And I watered the grass, and we had a beautiful, lush lawn. Lush, green lawn.

And when we ended up selling that house, I think it sold quickly because of the lawn, personally. You can't prove that it's not. I think it was the lawn. What does that have to do with friendship? What does that have to do with friendship in marriage The grass grows greenest where it watered All I had to do was give it some time and attention and really put into place some very simple things like watering the thing I just got to just add water.

Just start trying to water. It's not going to happen. You can have all this fertilizer, all this quick grow idea. no, we could do this. Guy's getting ahead of me. We could put a little tree over here. It'll look so nice.

These things are white now, but they turn yellow later. It'll really be nice. It's like I just want grass grows greenest when it's watered. And I think that's the concept that sometimes we miss when it comes to the friendship that should exist in our marriages. That this thing isn't going to happen by itself. When we become one, you're familiar perhaps with, you know, Let's not assume.

Turn to Genesis 1. Genesis 2, actually. I'm sorry. So Genesis 2 is like a commentary, mostly on the latter part of the creation account, and specifically on day 6. And we are looking at the creation of man and woman, going straight out of verse 4, all the way down to verse 18. Pick it up in verse 18.

The Lord God said, it is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper fit for him. Now out of the, I'm living proof. I need help. God, I need help. Give me a helper fit for me.

God has given me a helper fit for me. Verse 19, out of the ground, the Lord, I'm going to read kind of fast. Out of the ground, the Lord God had formed every beast of the field, every bird of the heavens, brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. So that's like, what a cool job.

Like you can't be wrong. goat ox right sheep right bush hawk no but like he's naming the animals boom boom boom boom boom and then but realizes that there is not he gave verse 20 the man gave names to all the livestock and the birds of the heavens every beast of the field but for adam there was not a help found a helper fit for him so the lord god caused deep sleep to fall upon the man and while he slept took one of his ribs closed up its place with flesh and the rib that the lord god had taken from the man into a woman and brought her to the man. And then the man said, this is very different. This right here.

This at last, bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh. She, I got a name for her. She shall be called woman. Woman right there. Because she was taken out of man. 24.

Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. The man and his wife are both naked and were not ashamed. The two shall become one. That happens, at least in some form, positionally speaking, we believe in a wedding ceremony, where before the Lord, positionally speaking, before the Lord, the two become one.

And we have now blessed this union. We pray for the husband and the wife. And now they walked in here, Peter LaRuffa and Sarah Graham walked in here, and they walk out Mr. and Mrs. Peter LaRuffa. They don't walk. Peter didn't just gain something.

They walk out something that the world has never seen before, Mr. and Mrs. Peter LaRuffa. It's a new thing. The two have become one. Positionally, right? But this ring is not out of a Tolkien book, and there's nothing magical about it.

Positionally, we are one. But practically speaking, we've got to work at that because the grass grows greenest where it's watered. So positionally speaking, it's like signing my sons up for baseball. I can put them on a roster. Guess what? positionally, I paid the dues, I put their names on the list, they have the outfit, the uniform, whatever, they got the equipment.

Positionally speaking, they're on a baseball team. Now I've got to teach them how to play. Are they baseball players? Yeah. Why? I signed them up and I paid the dues.

Do they know how to play? Probably not. So it's the same thing with marriage, in that there's a sense that we become one, but there's also a sense that we must become one. We have to become what we are. We have to become in reality what we have become as a result of being married and work out in reality what does this look like on a daily basis each and every time that we are together, each and every time that we live life for all of our days.

Turn to Ephesians chapter 4. The grass grows green is where it's watered. I want you to see something that I've noticed in Ephesians 4. And it what Paul says right at the beginning of the chapter So most or many of Paul letters he lays this firm foundation of doctrine and then says okay, in light of what I've taught you, now go do this. Sometimes you can find that line in the letters.

In Romans, Romans 1-11, doctrine, doctrine, doctrine, doctrine, teaching, laying this firm foundation. Romans 12-1 says, I beseech you, therefore, by the mercies of God, present your bodies as living sacrifice. Therefore, in light of what I've said, now go do this. in 12 to 16, super practical. In Galatians 1 to 4, foundation of doctrine, 5 and following, super practical.

Here in Ephesians, I think 1 to 3, he lays this foundation of truth, of doctrine, of facts, things that we need to know. And now in 4, he says, all right, here's what I want you to do. Look at verse 1. I therefore, in light of what I've said, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.

Look at verse 3, please. Eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Now, does anyone else... I'm reading from the ESV, the extra-spiritual version. Does anyone else have a word in verse 3 different than eager?

We all see eager. Call it out if you have a word other than eager. What's that? Diligent. Eager, diligent. What else?

Every effort. Endeavoring. Okay? Eager, diligent, endeavoring, making every effort. This is not like, hey, give it a shot when you have a chance. If you don't, it's not a big deal.

It'll probably happen. No. Eager, endeavoring, making every effort. Okay? Mine says eager to maintain. Does anyone have a word different than maintain?

Preserve. What's that? Keep. Maintain, preserve, keep. The unity of the spirit in the bond of peace. Unity doesn't just happen. hey our church is united how'd it happen? you know I really know it just happened never I on a team at work we really just we on the same page We enjoy what we doing How that happen I don know Just, just happened.

Unity never just happens. Did you ever hear anyone say that after all these years, my wife and I have really drifted together? Is that a thing? I've literally never heard that. but people do drift what? Apart. Drifting takes no effort.

You just sit. Like the twig on the backs of a mighty stream or a boat that's just sitting on a lake or a pond. The wind's blowing this way? When it happens to be blowing a little this way, you go that way. No effort, no rowing, no sails, nothing, no steering, no. Drifting, we just drift.

Unity has to be pursued. And it's the same in our marriages. And I started out marriage thinking, oh, okay, so now we're married. Now we're one. So basically, I had a little premarital counseling that was very, very well intended and helpful. But immature as I was, I now wanted to live a life like a single guy, but having my wife to come home to. super convenient, right?

So I have this really close friend with benefits and I don't have to change any other aspect of my life, but now I just have a wife and we live our lives, I work at the church she works at the time at a bank and we live together, wake up together sleep together and have sex together and work a life, start a family together and these things just happen. It'll just be kind of like, you know, if you kind of just hang out close enough to someone with the flu, you'll probably catch the flu. So if we just kind of hang out closely, we're just going to become one.

We got the rings, so we're just going to become one. But I did not work on our friendship. You can go into a Christian bookstore. Christian is a noun, by the way. So you can go into a bookstore and look at books that are written to Christians. Sorry, I said a little soapbox.

I have my Christian hairbrush. Christians are people So you can go into a bookstore and look up books on marriages You can talk about you can find books on sexuality You can find books on parenting You can find books on how to start a business as a couple. You can find books, super helpful, lots of great resources out there. There's so little written, particularly from a solidly biblical perspective, on friendship and marriage. friendship in marriage it's like it's assumed that that's just going to happen I put this quote in your do you have this quote? yes, no? anyway, here it is the determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance and passion in a marriage is by 70% the quality of the couple's friendship for men the determining factor is by 70% the quality of the couple's friendship so there's a joke made so men and women come from the same planet after all some of us remember that book do you remember that book? men are from Mars I always forget which one we're from men are from Mars, women are from Venus secular psychological book that was written way back when happy marriages are based on a deep friendship by this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company these couples tend to know each other intimately.

They are well-versed in each other's likes and dislikes and personality quirks and hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out. Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.

And important... What did I do? There it is. But often overlooked aspect of marriage is friendship. I think more and more couples just assume, well, yeah, we're married, so we're friends. And I think we need to be eager to maintain unity because people don't just drift together.

An important but overlooked aspect of marriage is friendship. Would you turn to Song of Solomon, Chapter 5? Oh, it just got real, right? Song of Solomon, chapter 5. Here's this poem or this account. Song of Solomon is a wonderful word.

It's this love story between a husband and wife. I think people try to sometimes overlook the fact that it's talking about a passionate romance between a husband and wife. They try to allegorize it, know this is really God and the church and stuff like that. I think that's us blushing, honestly, about the truth of the text. The truth of the text is this is a passionate, this is the most sinless romance novel or story you could ever lay your eyes upon because it's in the Word of God.

And it's filled with romance and filled with love. And it's a great example for us as married couples. Song of Solomon, chapter 5. Let's pick it up in verse 10. This is the bride praising her beloved. So it's the wife talking.

My beloved is radiant and ruddy. I'm curious, babe. Do you ever look at me and think of Ruddy? Does Ruddy come to mind? No? Not really?

Sorry. It didn't the last time I taught this either. I thought maybe something's changed. I've been working out. My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold.

Shine. His locks are wavy. Moving on. Black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs.

His lips are lilies dripping liquid myrrh. His arms are rods of gold set with jewels. His body is polished ivory bedecked with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns set on bases of gold. See the detail. See the specificity with which this woman talks about her man.

Yeah, he's all right. She's like, get a pen. Let me tell you about this guy. Verse 15, his legs are alabaster columns set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon. Choice as the cedars.

All this specificity all this intimacy all this detail Look at verse 16 His mouth is most sweet and he is altogether desirable This is my beloved and this is my, what does it say? Friend. This is my beloved and this is my friend. Hey, know all these things about my man. Know all these things about what he looks like, how beautiful he is, how thankful I am for him.

Let me tell you every single detail about it, and don't you forget that this is not just some hot guy. This is my friend. He's my friend. And I don't think, because I think in general we downplay friendship, I don't know if in our marriages we strive to cultivate friendship enough. And sometimes we overlook these things. And if friendship is an important or an integral part of marriage, Bible verses about friendship should also be applied to our marriages.

So I love doing marriage counseling with verses that are not typically marriage verses. I think that's super helpful. You're supposed to love your neighbor. That's not a marriage verse. The heck it isn't. Yeah, it is.

And sometimes that's what people need to hear. You're supposed to love your brother and sister in Christ. Sometimes that's what people need to hear. You say, that's not a marriage verse. It's not in Ephesians 5. Yes, it's still a marriage verse.

See, one thing we need to be careful of as people, especially people in biblical counseling, is that we don't turn this into an encyclopedia where there's just topics, right? And these are the topics on... This is the parenting section. And this is the marriage section. and this is the living a godly life section and everything's just separated because then we won't ever connect things we'll never see the friendship verses as relating to marriage but if friendship is an important part of marriage let's look at friendship verses and relate them to marriage like a friend loves at all times proverbs 17 17 there's a friend who sticks closer than a brother that my wife, remember yesterday we said one of the coolest things that Jesus, what, he chose us?

Remember we're his friends? He chose us. Well my wife chose me I chose her There a friend here that should stick closer than a brother She my best friend Proverbs 17, 70, a friend loves at all times, even when I am most unlovable. Proverbs 20, verse 18, plans are established by counsel, by wise guidance, wage, war. That's not a marriage verse. Yeah, it is.

We consult one another. Who knows me better? There's not a single human on God's green earth that knows me better than Sarah. Not a single human that I've ever interacted with who sees more of my blind spots and can help me understand things about myself that I would never be able to see. I've never made a direct observation of my shoulder blade. Neither have you.

You can't do it. You've seen it in pictures, maybe. Maybe you've seen it in a mirror. You've never seen it straight on. Sarah can go, shoulder blade. she's seen sides of me that I literally cannot see literally and metaphorically speaking she sees my blind spots she can see things that I can't see without her and she's in my life more than anybody else and she can call things to my attention in ways that people just can't do I lay out a welcome mat for that or am I Pastor Peter and you'll just have to take a number or no, I'll get my guidance from the word of God just me and God, me and the Bible, me and my flashlight do I value that friendship or do we live our lives separately because plans are established by counsel, by wise guidance, wage war I want Sarah's thoughts on something here's how it works with me I'll make a decision and something I really think is best and I think we should go this way and Sarah will say something like alright, I don't see it but if that's what you think we should do, let's do it I'm like, well, I'm done.

That's it. That's it. That's like one of the worst things. Like, okay, well, wait, everything stopped. What do you mean you don't see it? Like, when she says, okay, I don't see it, but we should, wait a minute, stop.

What do you mean you don't see it? Tell me what you don't, help me understand. Tell me what you don't see. What, I don't want her just to go, okay, okay. She's like, well, that doesn't seem best. If you really think that's what we should do, then I guess we'll do it.

Now I'm like, my time out. Tell me, talk to me. Help me understand what you're saying. I want her guidance. I want her wisdom. I desperately want it.

A wise leader does that. You're not being the head. No, I'm not being an idiotic head. A wise leader knows I not leading on my own The ax is over my head right I have the responsibility before the Lord But hey help me Give me a clue Throw me a lifeline. Phone a friend. Buy a vowel.

Let me know what you see. I don't see these things. That's not a marriage verse. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Proverbs 27, 5 and 6.

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. For a fuse are the kisses of an enemy. because she's my friend. When she says something that's hard to hear, I know she's for me. That's an excellent marriage verse. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. That my wife can come to me, that we should be able to go to each other and say, hey, look, I see something. You've got to know this. We've got to talk. This has got to stop. There was a time when sleep was something we lacked because we have four children and those things just don't mix well.

Like four children and sleep. And there was just this period of time where like multiple children were getting up at night and coming in to tell us things that we didn't need to know. I have to go to the bathroom. When have I ever said no? I have to go to the bathroom hey I'm just going to go to the bathroom good you do that son so glad I'm awake hope it all works out well or that they're scared of something and then we walk them back in and there's nothing to be scared of so it was happening a lot and it was multiple ones from different rooms for different reasons so I had kind of had it and I then decided that I was in a one very very very tired morning it was a day off I called all the kids into the room, and I just decided that there would be no more of this.

So I decided to lay down the law, and I said, all right, listen. Going forward, at night, there's no, you are not allowed. I said, you are not allowed to be scared. There's nothing to be scared of. There's nothing. Remember, we always go back.

Every time we go back, we look under the bed, nothing. Closet, nothing. We look in the hallway, nothing. So, let's just remember that now. Let's establish that now. When you're scared, you just need to wake up and remember, Dad said there's nothing to be scared of, I'm not even allowed to be scared.

Go right back to bed. See, it's airtight logic. Like, I think this is just perfect. Okay? So we got Justin. All four of them are standing there.

Justin is looking at me like this. Jonathan's looking at me like this. Emma's like this. Miss Silas is like this. Sarah looked at me and she said, Hey, what do you think it would look like if sleep were an idol in your life? What do you think it would look like if sleep were an idol in your life?

And I was like, it would look really different than this. It would look drastically worse. I've got to go. Better is open rebuke than hidden love. It's a silly little thing. But I needed someone to call to my attention that, you know what, for this season of life, God may not be super concerned that I get a solid eight hours.

A friend tells someone when they're off. Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Proverbs 27, 17, as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. We should be able to sharpen one another in our marriage. If I can get that from Tim Pasma, if I can get that from another brother, another sister, if you can get that through fellowship, we just spoke about the importance of friendship between believers, right?

How much more so should I be able to get that from the person who I have become one with? Friendship in marriage, this is a marriage verse. We can apply this to our marriages. And then, of course, the ever-popular 1 Corinthians 13 love passage that I have spent more time in the pulpit in my life telling people that it is not specifically a marriage verse, even though it's quoted at weddings, but it's 100% applicable in marriage.

But it was just more fun. That's not a marriage. People quote that in weddings all the time. It's not even a wedding verse. That's a verse about love between the saints, and it is. And she's a saint, and I'm a saint.

It's actually applied to our marriages. I really should be patient and kind and not envious and not boastful and not arrogant or not rude. I shouldn't insist on my own way in my marriage I shouldn't be irritable or resentful I shouldn't rejoice at wrongdoing Gotcha, I shouldn't do that in marriage I can use this in my marriage What about you? If you're married Would you say Along with The woman in the Song of Solomon That your spouse is Ruddy No that your spouse is your friend Hopefully your best friend Like if there one person that should be your BFF it probably the person that you committed to be with until death do you part I don't think we look at friendship in marriages enough.

So what I would like to do is I would like to present to you three positions, three postures, if you will, of marriage tell you about when I've seen our marriage at those points throughout our life and hopefully give you something to consider as you think about friendship in marriage. Because I think there can be three positions or three postures we might take in our marriages and I want you to consider where you are and where you've been. Okay, so the first one is what we're going to call back-to-back marriages.

Okay, so back-to-back. I want you to picture Sarah and I, and she's standing back here, and I'm standing back here. We are back-to-back. Okay, so just by this word picture, we're what? We're going in two different what? Directions, right?

We can hold hands, but for only so long. Eventually, we're going to be apart, right? We're not Stretch Armstrong. Anybody remember that? Stretch Armstrong? Yeah, there you go.

So we're going to hold hands, but for only so long. Eventually we're going to be even further apart, and we're pursuing different things. We have different goals. We might not hate each other, but we're just going in two different directions in life. We might not give each other a friendly wave. It may not even result in divorce, but we're going in two different directions.

So here's a back-to-back marriage, and I've thought through these things to try to help you understand. maybe this is me, maybe we've been there. Sarah and I have been here. So what they share, they share a home. Okay. So back-to-back marriages share a home, just like many married couples, they share a home now, but what do they pursue? They pursue individual goals.

Okay. Individual goals. The goals don't have to be sinful. Okay. Get out of that realm thinking, oh, well, as long as we're, I'm not even assuming that the goals are, are, are sinful in and of themselves that that one person is pursuing righteousness and the other person is pursuing high crime. I not saying that at all But there individual goals So for Peter and Sarah I was going to be superstar pastor Superstar pastor I was young I was in the ministry and I was in the ministry at my home church and put on myself, through nobody's fault other than my own, this level of expectation that I was going to be a superstar and prove to people that I am who I am.

And I know I was a member of the church, but I really can be a leader in the church. And so I was available to everyone. I was accessible to everyone except my wife. And we're newly married. So we just think this is, I guess, this is life, right? Like this isn't, we know marriage is going to be marriage and ministry.

There's going to be sacrifices. So I think this is what I need to do. And so Sarah pursues her own goals and she's, she's pursuing friendships or work. She was working at the time at a bank and doing very well. And we were a dual income home for a very short period of our lives before we had children. And she's pursuing her life and I'm pursuing my life.

We'd come home, have dinner, sometimes. Sarah made poppy seed chicken, which was awesome. Any of you married, there was like three meals you had for the first four years of your life? So we just had, we would rotate through those meals, we would eat together. I don't think we hated each other, but we were pursuing individual goals. Okay?

In another, watch this, what if I was a stockbroker? If I was a stockbroker, you would have told me I was too focused on my career, but because I'm a pastor, I look like super in love with Jesus. But in reality, I'm just in love with my job. and trying to, I don't even know if it's a ladder, but proving myself. I've got to do this. I've got to do all the things.

And I said yes to everything, to everyone except my wife. We share a home. We pursue individual goals. How do we roll? I do what I want. I do what I want.

I hope it works out. Hopefully you'll like it. If you don't like it, that's too bad so sad. Hopefully you'll like the next choice we make. But I do what I want. Sarah does what she wants.

We really loved God. We really loved each other. We really loved ourselves. We were believers. We loved Jesus. We did love each other.

I really loved me. Really loved me. She really loved her. We were two very selfish people concerned about ourselves. These people converse somewhere in between silence and impersonal facts So either they don converse they don ever talk sit down just get involved in their own things get on the phone, get on email, watch TV, read two books, or there's just these impersonal facts.

So you talk about, you know, snowing again, huh? Yeah, I know. March 17th, crazy time. When's this winter going to be over? These aren't bad conversations to have, But there's just these impersonal facts that we share. Traffic was crazy today.

Oh, really? Yeah, I know. I had to get off. My bus broke down. Wow. Yeah, I had to get on another one.

Just impersonal facts. Fun facts, impersonal facts. There's nothing that's going to cultivate relationship as a result of this. The best case scenario, they're acquaintances. Best case scenario, they're acquaintances. Worst case scenario, they're enemies, right? back to back.

We're going in two different directions. Best case scenario, we become better acquaintances. Yeah, I think Sarah likes that food. Yeah, Peter's happy at work. Worst case scenario, there's bitterness and we become enemies because we're going back to back. Let's look at another posture that we can take in marriage.

Side by side. Side by side marriages. so picture we've gone from this two different directions right to now this we're together right better raise your hand if this is better sure not a trick question this is better this is better we're not going because at least now we're walking in what same direction right so that means we have something to share and we're usually sharing what I'm calling projects. Could be good and godly projects.

Planting a church. Raising the kids. Schooling the kids. Catechizing the kids. Starting a business. Working on that business together.

We share a project. Okay? What do we pursue? Well, we pursue what I'm calling project maintenance and completion. Side by side, walking in the same direction towards whatever that win is. Raise these kids well.

Plant a church with deep roots. Build relationships with people in the body. Not bad things. Really get this business off to the right start. You know, there's lots of the... Any of you in business on your own?

You own your own business? Okay. So, some people do that and they don't take a salary for like two years. You would know more. I don't know. They don't make a profit.

We have to support each other. and there's upstart fees, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There's this burst of a bubble in the beginning. We have to work 60, 80-hour weeks, whatever it is. Hopefully it'll get down to normal. We're going to do this together. We're pursuing project maintenance and completion.

How they roll. We do what's best for the project. We do what's best for the project, what's best for the church, what's best for the business, what's best for the kids. But we're doing it together. How they converse? somewhere between impersonal facts and personal opinions. So it's somewhere between...

Last time we had silence and impersonal facts. Now we have impersonal facts and personal opinions. So we're talking about the things. Either way, it's impersonal. So we could be talking about, I can't believe it's snowing, or we could be talking about personal opinions. I'm really concerned about my daughter Emma.

I've noticed she's sad lately. Should a couple talk about that? Absolutely. Absolutely. How do you think the church is doing? Do you feel like people are...

Are we growing? And not growing numerically, but do you feel like people are growing in their relationship with one another, relationship with the Lord? I don't know, I was talking with so-and-so and they seem to actually really be getting a lot out of this, such-and-such. Yeah, I really think that. I don't know, here's what I don't think. These are great conversations to be had, but do you notice we are talking about the thing, okay?

It's not a sin to talk about the thing, where we're talking about the thing. So impersonal facts or personal opinions. I'm really grieved by what I saw on the news recently. Really? Yeah. Why?

Well, here's my opinion. Okay, here's my opinion. Great. Best case scenario. Partners. We're partners in this.

We're doing it together. We're doing the things together. Worst case scenario, I'm going to call them colleagues. Right? And that might be a little potato-potato, But colleagues when I think of partners I think we focused on something together And colleagues it just we kind of work on the same things We kind of work at the same place we work on the same things Back to back, side by side, face to face.

Back to back, we're going in two different directions. Side by side, we're going in the same direction. Face to face, we're walking into each other. No, face-to-face is something completely different. So for Sarah and I, getting back to the side-by-side, Justin, I think, was really used by God to get us focused off of ourselves and onto a common goal. Okay?

So Justin was, we were married a year when we had Justin. So our first anniversary pictures, Sarah was very, very pregnant. And three weeks later, Justin came into the world. And people say, wow, was that planned from the foundation of the world? That was great. But it was a surprise to us.

And God used Justin to get us focused off of the mirror that we were walking towards or off the two different goals and now focused on something outside of ourselves. So we're very, very, very grateful for that. Because you have to focus on Justin, because I don't know about you, but Justin, I don't know about your kids, Justin arrived naked, hungry, expecting to be clothed and fed, which is how he came into the world.

So, you know, you've got to focus on him or he'll not grow, right? So we've got to focus on him. We've got to change the diapers. We've got to feed the kid. We've got to do these things. For us, God used that to get ourselves focused off of the other things and focused on the common thing.

God turned us from back to back to side by side. And we functioned in that way for a long time, which is way better than back to back. And it forced us to die to self because you can only be so selfish and only so focused on self with a screaming, crying, hungry, naked baby. Because you've got to focus on that baby. We love Justin. Love Justin was the best thing that ever happened to us.

And we're really, really grateful for that. But it's not face to face. A face to face marriage shares friendship. And they pursue each other So it all the things of a side We still focus on like we still raise our kids together She's still my partner in ministry, my partner in crime. We still work together on things. We lead our small group together.

We love the people together. We do those things together. But that's not all we do. Now we also are face-to-face. It's not just about the things. It's not back to back.

It's also about each other. We pursue each other. How do we roll? We do what's best for the team. We do what's best for the team. so you'll see there it says hashtag same team so same team is a line that we literally incorporate into our marriage and here's why particularly during times of conflict we're talking about something we see two different perspectives of something and we are focused on the thing okay So we're talking about, we're arguing over, this is what we're arguing over.

This represents the point of contention. And she sees it from this angle, and I see it from this angle, and I think it would be best to do this, and she thinks it would be best to do that. And we're talking about these things, and we are disagreeing on this. But sometimes, you know what happens? As we're disagreeing on this, this fades out of the picture, and we're looking at each other.

So do you see what happens, what I'm trying to depict? We were talking about the thing, but now it's adversarial. Somehow it got personal. One of us took a shot below the belt. One of us said something that we shouldn't have said. One of us was unkind.

And now all of a sudden it's not about the thing, but now it's personal. And it has served us really, really well. For one of us, particularly me, but not exclusively me, to go, hey, hey, stop. Let's stop. And to take the hand of the other person and to say, hey, same team. So that we can be reminded, we're talking about, we're not adversarial.

We are disagreeing about something, but we are on the same team. And we need to do what's best for our team. So we actually disagreeing about something that the team needs to do we not hateful towards each other This can get personal because we on the same team So we on the same team on the same side always To become one, we must be on the same side, always.

We might be disagreeing about the next step. We might be disagreeing about something that we need to do. We might even not like what the other one just did and be hurt by it. But it doesn't say, hey, hands. Same team. because that's the first thing we forget in a time of conflict. Same team.

And then Sarah will look back at me and go, literally, literally, she'll usually sigh. You can see her lips are sometimes pursed, because she's a feisty one. And she goes, she sighs. She's a big, she's a sire. she goes, same team you could literally see her shoulders drop it got tense talking, arms how could you this, how could me you hey, same team same team it's not better we still need to talk about it but we've kind of had this time out moment and reminded each other, whoa, whoa same team same team she's smiling because she never says same team back.

It drives me crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. So I'll be like, same team. And she goes, okay. And then I go, literally, I go, same. Same team.

Totally ruins, it ruins. It would be so much better. It would preach so much better. Same team. And she goes, okay. Say same team!

Oh, sorry. Same team. She's not sorry. She's not sorry. we do what's best for our team. So at the end of the day, we try to reword that disagreement in a way that's team-focused. That we're going to figure out what's best for our team.

That's how we roll. Hey, same team. There's times when she needs to come to me and say, hey, same team. I say, in fact, when she comes to me and she needs to say, hey, same team, or I feel like we're not on the same team, then sometimes we get really dramatic and we blow up the illustration. Sarah's like, I don't think we're playing the same sport! And it's like, okay, okay, the illustration is getting...

How do we converse? We converse between personal opinions and personal feelings. Here's how I feel. I am grieved. I am excited. I am just really, really happy about this.

It's really important that we talk about those things of how we feel. Why? Not because we live lives by our feelings, but that produces intimacy between the two of us and enhances our friendship. This is how we need to talk about things. We never did this before when we were back to back. Never.

That's an exaggeration. Really rarely did this when we were back to back. And when we were side by side, we wouldn't really talk that much. We were just doing the things. We're doing ministry. We're doing parenting.

We're doing the things. We're going to move to Kentucky. We're packing the boxes. Not bad, but not great. And not developing a friendship. Now, there's a difference between personal...

We talk about our personal opinions on things, but then also about our personal feelings. So it's not just like, what do you think we should do? is I think we should do this next step, but I've got to be honest with you, I'm scared to death out of my mind about that. I think this would be best for us. We agree. Okay, how do you feel about that? I'm pretty excited about it.

Are you excited? I'm cautiously optimistic. Help me understand how you're excited about it. Well, here's why I'm excited about it. And that helps each other develop a friendship because we're on the same team. Can I tell you, this is not out of the notes, the three words that have helped me the most in marriage, parenting, and ministry?

You ready? Sweet dig. Help me understand. Help me understand is one of the most effective ways to ask a question when you need clarity or more information. And it's drastically different from I can't understand what you're saying. What are you even talking about? that doesn't make sense.

What are you talking about that puts the blame on you? I don't understand what you're saying. Well, that's because you communicated it poorly. Hey, help me understand. That means I need understanding. Can you hit me again with that?

Run that by me. But the onus is on me, right? It doesn't bring out this, you know, I don't even know, who says that? Why would you word it that way? Which then becomes defensive. What do you mean, why would I word it that way?

I word it that way because I want to. How can we judge in the way of others? is all of a sudden not the same team anymore Hey help me understand why you feel the way you feel How could you feel that way after we raised you this way All right? Help me understand why you think that. Sitting across from a counselee, I don't know what they're talking about.

It sounds like they just got off of crazy town. Okay? But instead of saying that, help me understand. Let's go back over that. You said your marriage is falling apart. I have no idea what that means.

That's the most ambiguous thing that most people say when they're coming into marriage counseling. Help me understand why you feel that way. Why can't you be specific for crying out loud? Marriage pulling apart could be like nine different things. Wow, that sounds really hard. Help me understand.

Help me understand why you would word it that way. I don't think there's a worst case scenario. I think the best case scenario of this is that you become best friends. because you're pursuing each other, you're doing what's best for each other, you're talking about the deeper things that don't need to be spoken about. We're going beyond the decision. Let's do this with the kids.

All right, done. Ready? Break. Okay, break. No, that was like, so how do you feel about that? I'm petrified.

It's a good decision. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Okay, so why are you petrified? You've got to go that extra step, so it's not just make the decisions and take the steps. Okay, are you cool with that? I'm not cool with that, but I think it's best.

Okay, well, let's talk about that because we pursue each other, and I think the best case scenario is that we would be best friends. Consider back-to-back, side-by-side, face-to-face. Look back on your marriage. What about you? Where do you think you are now? And can you see differences? maybe there's times where you were back to back.

It's helpful to identify those times. And listen, we go through periods of side by side because it just gets really busy. But the fact that we spend time cultivating friendship, we can weather those side by side times well. I have a lot of travel coming up in the next few months. I'm excited for the opportunities, but we're going to be missing each other. but we have a foundation of family and same team that we can hopefully weather those times There going to be some side time It not just oh we always just staring at each other and she calls me ruddy That not how we roll But we established a firm foundation in Christ and in our relationship that we can weather those times of going side-by-side and doing the things so that we can quickly, hopefully, come back to being face-to-face.

Which category best describes your marriage now? think about your marriage. Which one best describes your marriage now? So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to ask Sarah to join me on the stage. She's going to help me with this next portion. I don't tell her this because it will go to her head.

But, I'm kidding. So it's gotten to the point now where people are like, they'll say, hey, can we get counseling? And I'll be like, yeah, what's going on? They'll explain, they'll say, we could use some marriage counseling. It's like, it's pre-marriage counseling. And they'll say, yeah.

I'll say, okay, yeah, we can start that in like two weeks. They'll go, cool. Is that with you and Sarah? And I'll say, yeah. It could probably be with me. So I'm like, good, so Sarah's going to be there?

And I'm like, yes. Yes, my wife is going to be there. I'm your pastor. My wife is going to be there. That's fine. Okay.

And then sometimes it's like, well, no, I don't think Sarah's going to make it. Can we wait until she can? It's like, yes, we can wait. Yes, we can. I'm ordained. What?

Like, yeah, it's just like, I love you. It's great. But anyway, Sarah's been a huge help to me and to our church family in talking about these things. So what I'm going to do now is I'm going to give you seven key ingredients to building friendship in your marriage. I'm going to talk and Sarah's going to provide color commentary. So this happened at our dining room table where we were talking about a marriage conference that I was going to preach and that she was going to be at.

And I'm talking about these points and she says, that's helpful, here's what I think about that, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And unfortunately for her, she signed herself up to be on stage the next day. I wanted to throw up. She wanted to throw up, right. So she didn't. You're good in the first row.

She didn't. But that's how this developed. This was just going to be like the closing points to my message We had a really good conversation at our dining room table about it I was like will you come on And I nodded as I asked It what they do at McDonald when they want to upside down They do that. So I nodded as I asked. I was like, would you come on stage tomorrow with me and just provide color commentary?

And I nodded a lot. And she did. So, seven key ingredients to building friendship in your marriage. Number one, lean into the awkward. and remember, it'll only seem weird until it doesn't. It's only new until it's normal. What I mean by that is you need to remember that anything that you do that's new is going to feel awkward, and that doesn't mean stop doing it.

If you never pray together, it's going to feel awkward praying together. When you start praying together and it feels awkward and you think, I think we're doing it wrong. It doesn't feel good. I don't feel the butterflies. Just lean into it and keep doing it. Nothing feels new forever.

Nothing feels awkward forever. And nothing feels normal at first. So lean into the awkward and don't be afraid of having it feel that way and lean into it. We, for the first couple of years of our marriage, we prayed together for like crisis situations that came across our path and every once in a while, but it wasn't a regular It wasn't normative. It was always like crisis related.

So then we decided to start praying together. And we did it in a very small way. And it was usually before I left for work. Okay, even if it's super fast, we're going to take some time and pray together. And it just felt weird. It was really awkward.

It was really awkward. It was really awkward. It's a part of our lives that we was just between me and God, between her and God. We prayed for each other. We prayed for other things. But it was like, all right, let's pray. and it was just like, we'd make jokes just to make it not feel tense which doesn't increase your prayer life I was like, alright, let's pray and one time she went, okay Pastor Peter I was like, that doesn't help, that doesn't help at all but it was just awkward but it's not going to always be awkward and now it's not awkward, right?

Do you agree? I totally agree So lean into the awkward, anything new that you need to do in life, it doesn't have to be marriage if you let the awkwardness scary away from it. You're just never going to do it. You're never going to do it. Lean into the awkward. It'll only seem weird until it doesn't.

Number two, make confession and forgiveness the norm instead of the exception. Matthew 18, verses 21 and following, then Peter came up and said to him, Lord, how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times? Jesus said to him, I do not say to you seven times, but 77 times, or 70 times seven times. Forgiveness and confession is not like only for the really big things.

That should be really normative. It should be a normal thing that sin is confessed, forgiveness is sought, and that it is granted. That shouldn't just be, wow, this was so big that I had to apologize. no, that should be very normative. Does that make sense? Am I making sense? Yeah.

I do that often. Am I making sense? You are. And I think also when we practice confession and forgiveness in the mundane, everyday little occurrence, the little offenses that go on, when those bigger knock-down, drag-out fights might happen or those bigger crisis situations happen, that it'll be easier to confess and forgive when those big things blow up and this hard conversation happens because it's so normal to confess and seek forgiveness in the everyday small things.

Yeah, so we try our best to keep short accounts with one another and if something seems a little off, even if it's just for a minute, and we're just like, I'm sorry. I was harsh. I was in a bad mood. And I'm really sorry. Even something that small. We don't always have the time to sit down and start a whole big conversation.

Here's what we used to do. I used to sow value. I'm a biblical counselor for crying out loud. I want it all to be mapped out. I want to get to the heart of the matter. I want us to all agree on it.

We can close with a song and take up an offering. We don't always have that time. And because we don't have that time, you know what I used to do? Say, okay, I'll wait until we have that time. Just tell me, did that time ever come? No.

So then there's something that was little that we could have just quickly said, listen, my bad. I shouldn't have said that the way that I said it. I was harsh. I'm sorry. And she could have said, it's okay. I forgive you.

Done. But I'm waiting for this time when I can have like a three points and they're all alliterated and we can sit down and talk and it can be so awesome and we have a time of devotion. Sometimes that time doesn't happen. What's that? Map out repentance. Map out repentance Stop Yes Map out repentance Repentance plan That doesn happen If you waiting for this to be this whole big special moment sometimes it be special sometimes it just you got to get it done But we have a pattern of confession and forgiveness in our marriage now that is normative.

Does that make sense? Not just the big things. Okay. Number three, delight in and identify your differences. Genesis 2.18. Then the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone.

I will make a helper fit for him. We used to resent, I think, a little bit the way we were different and the way we're wired. And I used to think that if we are different and God made us different, and if Sarah could be more like me, she'd be happier. You know, because we can be efficient and we can systematize things. And she would think if we were different and God made us different, and I would think, and she would think, yeah, but if I could stop being such a geek about these certain things and just be a little bit more of a hippie, I'd be happier.

We've learned to appreciate the differences that God, instead of resenting them and saying, why can't you be more like me, to realize that I'm a better person because she is the way that she is. That she is a better person because I'm the way that I am. Our team is better because we are different. Instead of, oh, she's so different. She just doesn't do this.

Oh, he's so different the way he thinks about things. Now it's like, yeah, I'm really glad you're different in that way because I would never think to have seven pillows on a bed with only two people. But it does look very colorful. And it's creative. And I'm all about function. And I have one head.

And I need one pillow. That's really all I want. I don't want a body pillow. I don't want to share the bed. Sorry. But there's creativity and value and beauty there.

And I just wouldn't think to do that. But that's really cool that she does that. And she does much more than that, as opposed to me resenting, thinking, this is ridiculous. This is a waste. This is inefficient. This is, I've said efficient a lot.

Can you tell what kind of guy? You'll probably leave praying for her. But let's just do these things. So we've learned to appreciate our differences. And I really appreciate our differences in that I can be a big picture, a dreamer. I get really big ideas really, really fast.

And I want to implement them right away, like dramatic change. or if we were to sell all of our things and live in a tent. It would teach our kids these things But he he you know and I think that in Peter attention to detail and he can take a look at the steps and all these other things and you're just, you benefit me a lot in that. But we appreciate that now.

But I'm also pretty boring without her. But we're still in a house. But we still have a house, which is cool. Right. So that's key, right? shelter from the snow, but flag in a flagpole. She is the flag that would fly away if she didn't have a pole to be attached to.

I am the pole that would be a completely boring pole without a flag on it. And I can keep her grounded and she can keep me from just being, really, that's it? That's all you want to do is be grounded and just boom, you're just, that's it? Just have a plan and stick to the plan, that's it? I'm not a plotter, but really, is that it? And she adds color and value and creativity where I used to think, stop, you're messing up the pole.

It's a solid pole. Get that flag off the pole. It's such an, look how sturdy the pole is. It doesn't even budge. And she's like, what a boring pole. I'm going to leave.

I just want to be a flag. Fly away. And it's like, no, now you're a kite. Wait, no, back. But we help each other out. And that flag and flagpole analogy is helpful to me to think, you know what, without her, I'm just a boring piece of metal, just firmly rooted, resolute.

But really, that's it? And we benefit each other. And you know, and it just hit me now that after, this is a new one, that over the years as our friendship has grown stronger, iron sharpens iron, I have, you know, my attention to detail has strengthened. And you're more fun. and we have we're more alike now same team I was going to do it this time but we're more alike than when we first started out wouldn't you say? it's been really interesting to watch how our personalities have almost blended into one similar personality Yeah.

I appreciate things that I thought were just the biggest pain in the back because they were different from me. I used to, oh gosh, that's so ridiculous. Who would think that way That I was a piece of work And we appreciate those differences and realize wow it not good for us to be alone This is helpful Okay let move on I think you should actively celebrate the wins and especially the seemingly small stuff okay?

James 1.17 reminds us that everything that's good comes from God. Psalm 103.2, bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not most of his benefits. It's not what it says. Forget not all his benefits. Every good thing comes from God. So, if you are in a period of conflict, there's constant conflict in your marriage, and the next conflict you have, and you know that they're usually loud, and they're what we call knock-down dragons, that's that term that we use, and they're loud, and they're long, and they're hurtful, and the next disagreement you have lasts 30 minutes as opposed to the last one that lasted 90, you have a choice.

You can either lament the fact that you had a disagreement at all, or you can say, that was only 30 minutes. We didn't throw any pots. Or that was only 30 minutes. We were a lot less harsh when we came to the end. You need to celebrate that small stuff. You need to sweat the small stuff and celebrate those wins.

Otherwise, the glass is always going to be half empty. And you need to realize, okay, we're not where we need to go, but God is working. This is different. we now learn how to fight better we've now learned how to communicate better and I still wish it didn't happen but you need to celebrate those small things otherwise you're just going to see yourself as never making any progress so I can be very all or nothing black or white there's not a lot of grey and I don't see things moving in that direction until they're there and that doesn't help us so celebrate the small stuff, actively celebrate the small stuff pray together.

I spoke about this before, so I'm going to breeze through it a little, but pray together, and again, don't expect it to feel normal if it's not normal. Let it be awkward, but press in. The devil, your own sinful nature, you choose whatever you want to choose based on your own theological stance, would love nothing more than for you to recoil and pull back and say, that's awkward.

Yeah, we really shouldn't do that. I'm not going to do that. We're going to memorize scripture together. That seems weird. She did a better job than I did, and I'm a pastor. I'm not going to use her anymore to do that.

I'm going to do it on my own. Stop giving in to that stuff. Lean into the awkward. Pray together. And pray often. And pray short.

Pray short prayers. Even if you have to pray short prayers, something really is better than nothing. And as you're leaving for work or taking the kids to school or doing whatever you're going to do, and you guys quickly come together, so for us, I'll quickly, literally, I will quickly gather together whatever kid is within earshot, eyeshot, armshot, and be like, alright, let's pray.

It's before I go to work, and I'll pray for the day, and then I'll leave. Is that the only time we pray? No, there's other times we'll pray at the dining room table. But don't feel like, oh, God's unhappy with that. That was only 20 seconds, and He probably hates that. I don't think he does.

I really don't think he does. And I do think something is better than nothing. And you establishing a culture of prayer in your marriage and in your home, even if it's small, is something. Don't not do that because you couldn't have your 30 minutes or whatever the holy number you think it is. It has to be 20 minutes. Something is better than nothing.

Do it. Do it. I'd rather you pray every day for 30 seconds than you pray once a month for a half hour. Really. Do it. Are you going to say something?

I was just going to agree with that. But once you establish normalcy, you start to experience depth. And where we really wouldn't, we didn't focus too much on what we were praying or how long we were praying, but just that we did it. Right. And then that's when all of a sudden it's normal. Yeah.

And you celebrate the wins. You celebrate the small stuff. Wow, we prayed together today. Yeah, but it was only for a minute. Hey, the day before was for like zero minutes. This is one more minute than the day before. give the Lord gratitude and praise for those little things.

Pray together. Don't just hear. Lean in and listen. Proverbs 18 is super helpful to us. Someone who gives an answer before he hears, it's his folly and his shame. An intelligent heart acquires knowledge.

The ear of the wise seeks it. The one who states his case first seems right until the other one comes along and questions him. Can I give you, I'll give you a quick, I don't know if it's an acronym or an acrostic. Whatever. Write L-I-S-T-E-N down the side of your page. I'm going to give you something to remember of how to best listen to your spouse.

If I can remember it, because it's not in my notes. Okay? Look into each other's eyes. Look at each other. Okay? Look.

Uh-huh. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay? Put that aside.

You've got to look at each other. I don't think it broke. You have to look at each other. Look there something about eye contact You have undivided attention I looking at you I hear what you saying I paying attention to you I not being distracted by the other things around Look Inquire Ask tell me more Ask help me understand Look at each other and inquire What do you mean by that Really Tell me more Help me understand how does that make you feel.

Go the next step. Not just the facts. Look into each other's eyes. Inquire by saying, tell me more. This is particularly a dude one, but it's not exclusively a dude one. Stop interrupting with your answers or solutions.

Sarah doesn't want me to solve her problems. That drives me batty. But she wants me to listen. sometimes Sarah would state a problem and I would come up with three different solutions and I'm super excited, here's something we could do we could try this or we could do that I've got my toolbox out, I want to fix it let us fix it, why would you bring me something that is broken just to say let's look at how broken it is oh, punch me in the face I don't understand why that but I just wanted to fix it, fix it, fix it she actually didn't want it to be fixed she just wanted me to listen and here's the thing, when I learned that then she would bring me the broken thing or in her mind, this is a metaphor, so she would say she would talk about it and I would listen and I would inquire and I wouldn't offer a single solution and at the end she would say thank you so much, that was so helpful and I was like I didn't help I didn't help, I didn't help at all but that's because I actually did help because she really didn't want a solution right there, she just wanted to share and when I was interrupted, I would interrupt, oh I know what we can do I know we can do.

I know we can do. I know we can do. And she does that to me too sometimes. But I do it way more. It's a dude thing. We love to fix things.

Stop trying to fix. Just listen. Stop trying to fix. Now I'm dying for her to go, what do you think we should do? And I'm like, woohoo! And I'm like, I have nine ideas.

But stop trying to fix. Stop interrupting. Listen, L-I-S-T. tell him or her what you think they're saying. Hey, here's what I think you're saying. Here's what I think you're saying. Am I hearing this right?

So you said you were really upset If I understood you right you said you were really upset because of the day that you had with the kids Am I hearing you right And sometimes it no I had a rough day with the kids but that not really what driving this What's driving this is you, Peter, or something else. Tell the person what you think they're saying. Here's what I hear you say.

Here's what I hear you say. Express sympathy. Express sympathy. Here's how you do it. You ready? Wow.

That sounds hard. Something just as simple as that. Wow. That sounds hard. You can express sympathy. It doesn't matter if you think it's been harder.

Please stop telling your stories about how you used to walk uphill in the snow both ways to school. That doesn't inspire or comfort anyone. Just say, wow. That's hard. The person feels heard. They feel validated.

They feel like you give a care. And it's not just about boom, let's fix it. And the end. Did I get all the way to end? Yes. Never look at your phone.

It used to be never look at your watch. Now it's never look at your phone. You don't have anything more important to do than to listen right then and there. That's the way to be an effective listener. Place the phone aside and just listen. Don't just hear, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

There's probably an app for that. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Lean in. Here I am. I'm leaning in. I care.

I'm listening. And never graduate. Do you have anything you want to add about listening? No. commit to lifelong learning. Proverbs 25.2 is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search it out. Always learn.

Never feel like, you know, we got this face-to-face thing down, so now that we're doing face-to-face time, I feel like I've, this is not, you don't want a diploma in this, ever. Because the minute you think that you've graduated and you've arrived is the minute you will stop trying to learn and stop trying to listen and be like, oh, we kind of got this. been married a while, we're pretty cute together, not gonna lie, so I'm just gonna check this aside. Never graduate and always continue to build that friendship to maintain to strive to endeavor All those words that each one of you said from Ephesians 4 Maintain unity.

Build unity. Maintain that unity. Did I say something? So, if you're married, I would encourage you to do this. Find some uninterrupted time together. do that today or carve it out and seek to learn one another by picking three to five questions to discuss with each other. Do you have those in those notes?

Okay, what's there, 50? Right? They start out really like, oh, fun fact, what's your favorite flavor of ice cream? Woo! That's fine. That's important.

And they get more detailed as you go along, but that gives you something to talk about and to learn with each other so that you would understand what that friendship might look like. And pick three questions. Pick one question, pick five questions, but just take a step towards developing that same team friendship in your marriage. And there's some tools there to help you out.

Lord, we come to you grateful for the friendship that you give us through Christ. we are thankful for the example that we have in a very real marriage to you as your bride to church how you listen to us constantly how you love us how you've chosen us and Lord how you are always you don't learn us because there's nothing you don't know but you're always listening you're always there and you desire worship and not sacrifice you're always welcome for us. You're always welcoming us. Desires to hear us.

Desires to speak to us through your word. And we're grateful. And we pray, Lord, that we would greatly value friendship in our marriages, friendship in our churches, and would apply these truths to our daily lives. Help us to not settle. We don't want to settle for back-to-back or side-by-side. We want relationship with the people that you've given us to join our lives together with.

Show us what that looks like. Help us to lean into the awkward and show us the next steps to take. We pray in Jesus' name. Amen.